Friday, June 22, 2018

Tiny Tim declared fit to work by ATOS

Dickensian child, "Tiny" Tim Cratchitt has been declared fit to work by ATOS this week despite being both famously crippled and fictional. His father, Robert Cratchitt, has condemned the decision, insisting his son's age and...

Army called in to Burnley find ‘riot’ just sale at Farmfoods

The British Army was deployed in Burnley town centre earlier today to quell civil unrest apparently taking place in the city's popular shopping district. Army chiefs were dismayed to discover the source of the problem...

ISAs claim responsibility for tax avoidance

ISAs have today claimed responsibility for millions of pounds of lost UK tax revenue A Scottish widow looks moodily into the camera like she wants you to help her plan for a prudent future, her...

Mystery void inside Great Pyramid contains plans for ancient financial scheme that’s a total...

Archaeologists announced yesterday the discovery of a mysterious void inside the Great Pyramid of Giza and that initial exploration revealed what appear to be the plans for a complex financial scam. “The hieroglyphs are initially...
Bank of England

Bank of England DOUBLES interest rate from naff all to fuck all

For the first time in more than a decade the Bank of England has taken the decision raise interest rates. The official bank rate has been DOUBLED from naff all to almost fuck all, the...

Government insists food banks rebrand as Universal Credit Bistros

Today, at a press conference in the champagne bar of the Astor club in Pall Mall, David Gauke, the work and pensions secretary no one has ever heard of, announced that food banks will...

Average household savings wiped out by demonetisation of old pound coins under sofa cushions

The Office for National Savings released alarming figures this morning suggesting that average household savings in the United Kingdom had been all but wiped out by demonetising the old pound coins. The new, thirteen sided...

Notional round token to be replaced by notional hexagonal token

The Rochdale Herald would like to remind readers that as of next week the shiny gold circles they exchange for goods and services will be rendered worthless, and must be replaced with metal hexagons...

Free market capitalism works says financial wizard pouring billions of public money into free...

A party of financial wizards who can't agree which wizard should be head wizard has given a talk today on how free market capitalism works at a gathering of believers in magic. They have done...

Corbyn delighted to hear of Monarch’s collapse

Jeremy Corbyn gleefully whistled whilst spreading marmalade across his toast this morning, as a result of Monarch airline going bust, according to his neighbour. Burt Monroe, long time neighbour of the staunch republican and PM...
Ryanair

Jeremy Corbyn says Labour will Nationalise RyanAir

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has layed out plans to take RyanAir into public ownership alongside the railways and the Royal Mail in a radical manifesto that promises to solve every problem instantly. A draft...
Man counting money

The Man Who Broke The Bank Of England Backs Corbyn

George Soros, the Hungarian-American Billionaire who famously broke the Bank of England on Black Wednesday in 1992, is said to be close to throwing his financial support behind Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party. ...
Girls Don't Like Boys

Institute for Fiscal Studies claims girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money

Economists at The Institute for Fiscal Studies sensationally claimed yesterday that girls don't like boys but they do like cars and money. The report said that provided men are "educated, with money, well-dressed, not funny,...
Pregnancy

Government launch ‘Kids for Britain’ scheme to encourage teenage pregnancy to replace migrant workers...

The Home Office is to launch an eye popping new initiative designed to compensate for the expected loss of Eastern European field workers as a result of Brexit. The scheme titled “Kids for Britain” will...
Millionaire

Tax efficient billionaires back plans to close tax loopholes for window washers and cleaners

The Taylor Review into modern working practices this week revealed an alarming tax loophole that is robbing the honest British taxpayer of billions in revenue each and every year. The loophole is not apparently the...
Bank entrance

Remain scaremongering smells likes truthmongering admits Mark Carney following sniff test

Mark Carney, Governor of the Bank of England, the place where they invent money, has admitted that remain campaigners accused of scaremongering may actually be truthmongering. The surprising intervention comes as new economic data strongly...

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