The Home Office has confirmed that British criminals will now be allowed to commit crimes in a ‘specific and limited way’ following the government’s recent abandonment of the rule of international law.

As long as crimes conform to a new ‘specific and limited’ template, police will now be forced to allow them to take place. A Home Office crimes-person explained: “Breaking down criminal activity into specific and limited acts of criminality will mean a lot less work for our already overstretched police force. Smash and grab raids, for example, can be limited to one person smashing and another person grabbing – and that, specifically, will no longer be an arrestable offence.”

Other criminal activities such as mugging, assault, GBH and vandalism will not be prosecuted if the activity is shared by more than one thug, with each villain limiting their participation to a single specific felony – as long as gangs do not operate in groups of more than six and maintain social distancing throughout.

“Many criminals already wear gloves and masks and are models of the kind of behaviour which will help maintain safety among the criminal fraternity, their victims and society at large…”, said the crimes-person, adding “…we could all learn a lot about minimising Covid-19 transmission from the criminal community.”