Transport secretary Grant Shapps is so convinced that going back to work in offices is safe, that he has hired a fleet of ferries to transport people into city centres.

The UK Transport Secretary has made a deal worth £185 million with one of his ex-public school mates who has no ships and has never transported anyone anywhere. “Going back to offices is very, very safe…”, said Shapps, adding “… and I’m so determined to get people back to work that I’ve even arranged for a fleet of ferries to take them into the office.”

Mr Shapps said he was unaware of the fact that the vast majority of office spaces in the UK were nowhere near docks large enough to take the ships, and that the vast majority of office workers would not be able to get onto a ferry anywhere close to where they live. “These are minor details that I’m sure can be ironed out as soon as my mate banks the cash”, he burbled happily.

When the Rochdale Herald reporter asked how he would be able to get into the landlocked newspaper office from his landlocked suburban home by ferry, Mr Shapps replied, “…easy peasy. There are ferries at the bottom of your garden.”