Chris Witty has shocked fans around the world after signing a multi-million pound, multi-decade deal to become the new face of Andrex bog roll.

The 54 year old epidemiologist, Chief Medical Officer and toilet roll salesman has ended his close partnership with Lidl own brand loo roll, quitting the German brand after only 1 year.

“Nothing sells bog roll quite like an epidemiologist with a terrifying message about home isolation and death.” A spokesman for Andrex told The Rochdale Herald.

“He’s got a light touch and is quick on his feet, he’s the perfect spokesman for the brand. He’ll also be advising the government on Friday to lock you in your downstairs loo with your kids until January so obviously he’s the perfect spokesman for Andrex.”

Chris Witty was unavailable for comment because he’s dealing with a public health emergency that doesn’t give you the squits.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.