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Quentin D Fortesqueue

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.
Neath

Earthquake rescue workers reassured that Wales is fine, it’s supposed to look like that

Earthquake rescue teams from around the globe were told to stand down today after they descended en masse on Neath in South Wales following...

Southern Rail Timetable wins Man Booker Prize for fiction

The visionary author of Southern Rail's timetable, Bernard Jones, has been announced as the seventh winner of the Man Booker International Prize for fiction.The...
Angela Merkel

Angela Merkel to meet Theresa May to tell her to piss off in person

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, is due to meet with Theresa May later today to spit in her face and tell her to piss...

Disastrous mistake warns stopping Brexit would be disastrous mistake

A disastrous mistake will warn derailing Brexit will be a disastrous mistake in a speech about a falling over in public later today.In a...

Just £3 a month will pay for cocaine and child prostitutes for an Oxfam...

A new fundraising campaign from Oxfam appealing to the better nature of child abusers is asking for just £3 a month to pay for...
Donald Genius Trump

Fat bottomed ape learns to mimic human sounds

Washington DC - A seventy year primitive primate that can mimic human words such as hello, bigly, braggadocios, and covfefe is thought to be...

Here’s how you can join in with The Herald’s interactive Celebrity Big Brother game

Celebrity Big Brother fans will be looking forward to tonight's triple eviction in the run up to Friday's finale.Finalists definitely making it through to...

Bloke donates money to charity without fingering a stranger

United Kingdom - A bloke from the United Kingdom has become the first man ever to make a donation to charity without sexually assaulting a stranger, according to reports.

Social Services called after parents name baby Nigel

United Kingdom - Reports are emerging that Social Services have stepped in and taken a child into care in Burnley after learning that the...
Michael Gove

Michael Gove escaped ‘after gate left open’

Whitehall: A Conservative cabinet minister who went on the loose for about six hours after escaping from his enclosure has been safely recaptured.The animal,...
Nurses

NHS crisis averted after 33,500 nurses found down back of sofa

Whitehall: There has been widespread relief around the UK after reports that the deepening staffing crisis in the NHS has been averted after tens...
Trump Walking

Trump’s cognitive ability is normal, says White House vet

WASHINGTON: The actual real-life US President Donald Trump has achieved a normal score on a cognitive exam and is in excellent fettle, although he...
Downing Street

Shitheads get new jobs

London - A bunch of irrelevant shitheads all got new jobs today in London. Theresa May is currently reshuffling the pack of lizards who would...

Service improves slightly as RMT union goes on strike

Thousands of commuters are experiencing slightly better service than normal this morning as members of the RMT union have gone on strike."I knew my...
Donald Genius Trump

The ‘J’ is for Genius, confirms Donald J Trump

Washington - The actual real life President of the United States of America Donald J Trump has cleared up speculation over the weekend about...

US Military confirm nuclear weapons controlled by simple massive orange knob

Washington - The American military revealed one of its most closely guarded secrets this week.

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