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Quentin D Fortesqueue

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.

Deadly brain eating microbe starves to death in Texas water supply

Brain eating microbes in the water supply in Lake Jackson Texas have been found either starved to death or suffering from extreme...

Earthquake rescue workers assured Leighton Buzzard is fine, it’s supposed to look like that

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Earthquake rescue teams from around the globe were told to stand down today after they descended en masse on Leighton Buzzard ollowing...
Chris Witty

Chris Witty signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Andrex toilet paper

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Chris Witty has shocked fans around the world after signing a multi-million pound, multi-decade deal to become the new face of Andrex...
Coronavirus

Government appoints Franz Kafka as new Head of Test and Trace service

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Following reports that some people around the UK have been able to get a Coronavirus test the government has appointed the Bohemian...

Man fakes own death to avoid helping mum set up new iPhone

A Rochdale man has been found alive and well living in Panama after apparently faking his own death in a canoeing accident...

A1 renamed The Dominic Cummings Expressway

The A1(M) between Aberford and Durham has been officially redesignated the Dominic Cummings Expressway in recognition of its primary purpose of conveying...

Armed Republican men protesting being told what do with their bodies

Heavily armed pro-life nitwits across America have taken to the streets in protest in being told to stay at home to save...

Jesus slammed for not following government advice after going out and getting hammered

A 33 year old man from Galilee has been criticised by the GNP, Greater Nazareth Police, after reportedly having a massive dinner...

Young children advised to wash hands after licking floors, walls, windows, banister rails and...

Young children around the UK have been advised that the best way to stop the spread of Coronavirus is by thoroughly washing...

World Health Organisation upgrades five-second rule to three seconds rule

The World Health Organisation has taken the unprecedented step of upgrading the five-second rule to just three seconds. As the deadly Coronavirus pandemic...
White Supremes

Cabinet to wear face masks during Cobra meeting as precaution against Coronavirus

The prime minister and senior members of the cabinet are to wear full face masks during today's Cobra meeting to decide whether...

Husband remembers to do thing

There were ecstatic scenes in Rochdale this afternoon after a Middleton resident remembered to do the thing he'd been asked to do...

Couple sentenced to five years in soft play centre for having unprotected sex

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A Yorkshire couple have received a five year suspended sentence for having unprotected sex. The sentence, which has been suspended for two years,...
Dominic Raab

Dominic Raab warns against travel to Iran and other Scandinavian countries

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The foreign secretary Dominic Raab has warned British nationals not to travel to Iran or any other Scandinavian countries following last week's...

Cat who shit in litter tray lined with Daily Mail appointed editor

A cat who took a poo in a litter tray lined with a copy of the Daily Mail has been named as...

Boris Johnson gets into Christmas spirit by ordering massive census and slaughter of children

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Boris Johnson has finally got into the spirit of Christmas by ordering a massive census of everybody in the UK and slaughtering...

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