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Quentin D Fortesqueue

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.
BBC Question Time

Question Time cut short after woman dies of boredom

The BBC's Question Time recording was cut short on Thursday after an audience member passed out from boredom during the recording.Filming of the BBC...
Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson sneezes and accidentally appeals for 32 British people to be stoned to...

Boris Johnson has apologised for his "sneeze" during comments about a bus full of British women on holiday in Saudi Arabia.The foreign secretary said...
Southern Rail

Not getting to work with Southern Rail now 30% cheaper for 27 year olds

26 to 30 year old commuters were said to be jubilant today after Philip Hammond announced that from April 2018 it will be 30%...
Hunt Saboteurs

Hunt saboteurs can’t feel pain, government declares

The government has voted to reject a bill that recognises that hunt saboteurs are humans who feel pain and emotion.Following an incident over the...
Daily Express Readers

Charity begins at home, say dickheads who don’t give money to charity

Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home.The wankers, who can...
Audi A5

Audi driver has above average sized penis

There were scenes of disbelief in Rochdale today after a man who drives a convertible Audi A5 was found to be in possession of...

Middle aged man pulls off the double denim look

A middle aged man from Halifax has done the impossible and pulled off the double denim look.Glenn Clarke, 53, from Bury in Lancashire, a...
Wrapping Presents

I’ve already wrapped all my Christmas presents, say terrifying psychopaths

Terrifying psychopaths around the country have taken time out from planning murders and disembowelling their neighbour's pets to tell The Rochdale Herald that they...
Tapas

Tapas actually Spanish for ‘not enough food’ confirms Spain

Spain has confessed to the international community today that the word Tapas actually translates as 'not enough food'. The revelation comes after local office drone...
Foreign Languages

British man who can speak French to be burned as a witch

According to reports the British man who has learnt to speak a foreign language fluently is to be burnt at the stake on Tuesday.Lord...
Trump Air Force one

Donald Trump arrives in Germany and says ‘Ich bin ein Binliner’ Berlin agrees

President Donald Trump landed in Germany Sunday morning to kick off the first leg of his 12-day trip to Europe.Trump held a surprise press...

Scientists confirm tea tastes better when somebody else makes it

Researchers from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that tea tastes loads better when somebody else has made it.Maurice Tips,...
Gigantic Sky Penis

US Navy confirms gigantic sky penis ‘not aimed at any particular President’

US Navy officials have said that the penis drawn in the sky by one of their pilots using a fighter jet's contrails was absolutely...
Vicki Pollard

Burnley ‘model’ swaps ‘virginity’ for fish and chip supper

A 19-year old 'model from Burnley has spoken of a dream come true after she swapped her 'virginity' for some fish and chips with...
Donald Trump

Donald Trump calls for a ban on schools after latest US school shooting

So-called 'President' and full-time Twitter troll Donald Trump wants a 'total and complete shutdown' of schools in the US after the Tehama Elementary School...
Badger

Badger fed up with receiving ‘Bristle-enhancing Pills’ emails

Brock Hampstead, a male badger from the New Forest, has started a campaign targeting what he claims is speciesist profiling by advertisers."I know that...

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