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Quentin D Fortesqueue

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.

Denmark offers to buy America from Russia

Mette Frederiksen, the Prime Minister of Denmark has reportedly expressed an interest in buying the Russian controlled territory of the United States...
Houses of Parliament

Government reassures voters post-Brexit ration books will also be blue

The government has taken bold steps today to reassure the public after a leaked Whitechapel report detailed how the UK is likely...
Polar Bear

Aaron Banks eaten by polar bear forced to migrate to Cheshire by global warming

Reports are coming in that a man ironically mauled to death by a polar bear in Northwich town centre was prominent leave...
UKIP

Dick Braine elected leader of Dicks for Brains

Mr Braine was the favoured dickhead ahead of his predecessor, Gerard Batten, who resigned after Dicks for Brains' poor performance in the...

50 migrants in canoes rescued off Kent coast forced to return to UK

A search and rescue operation has recovered 50 migrants off the Kent coast, the Home Office has said. As spokesman said the Border...
Happy Family

Couples who call each other Mummy and Daddy told to pack it the f*ck...

Couples who call each other Mummy and Daddy have been told by the authorities to pack it the fuck in or be...
Houses of Parliament

People who squeeze teabag to be stripped of citizenship and deported

The whole of the UK has united behind the Home Secretary's decision to deport anybody who squeezes the teabag before removing it...
White House

Reality TV to blame for increase in number of f*cknuggets being elected president, say...

Reality TV is to blame for the number of imbeciles and ding-a-lings who are being elected president of the United States, video...

Short range nuclear missiles made available to American public in bid to reduce gun...

Following a series of atrocities in the United States over the weekend in which more than twenty five members of the public...
Donald Trump

Too soon since last mass shooting and not long enough before next one to...

In the wake of the latest mass shooting in a bar in Ohio that has claimed the lives of at least 9 people...

Thoughts and prayers shortages in US reaching crisis point

Shortages of thoughts and prayers for the victims of gun violence is said to be reaching crisis point this morning with many...

Knackered dam describes Boris Johnson as looking ‘dodgy and unstable’

A knackered dam in Derbyshire has described the UK prime minister as looking "dodgy but unstable" and a "substantial risk".

Small bald man held for questioning over fairground disappearance of six children

Police have arrested a small bald wizard in connection with the unsolved disappearance of six children between the ages of 8 and...
Donald Trump

Trump calls for ban on food festivals after latest mass shooting

Trump calls for ban on food festivals after latest mass shootingSo-called 'President' and full-time Twitter troll Donald Trump wants a 'total and...

Brexiteer skydiving team dies in tragic accident after replacing parachutes with optimism

An entire elderly skydiving display team has died in a tragic accident in Essex this weekend after replacing their parachutes with an...
Fast Train

Getting from Leeds to Manchester 15 minutes quicker is top priority, says leader of...

The leader of a country full of hungry and homeless children has pledged to deploy all possible resources to shortening commuting times...

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