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Quentin D Fortesqueue

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.

Warning issued after teetotal vegan non-smoker bores himself to death

Fresh concerns have been raised over the safety of healthy lifestyles after a study found that people following them invariably die eventually anyway. A team...
Teabag

Teabag enters second month on little plate by kettle

A teabag is currently entering its second month of lying in state on a little plate by the kettle in the kitchen. Barbara Dickinson of...

Britain fails GCSE Economics, Business Studies, French, German, Spanish and History

Great Britain was disappointed to learn that she has completely failed GCSE ecomomics, business studies, history, French, German and Spanish today. While GCSE pass rates...
Pope

Racists oddly quiet about global paedophile gang operating in Rochdale

Racists around the UK have been oddly quiet about the international paedophile network that has been operating in Rochdale, and everywhere else that matter, for centuries. "We usually...
Hang the Tories

Corbyn sharing platform with people he disagreed with to create peace, says man in...

A man who is wearing a t-shirt that reads "Hang the Tories" is insisting that Jeremy Corbyn is an example to everybody for his...
Jack Whitehall

Jack Whitehall cast in lead role in Idris Elba biopic

Over the weekend the actor and "comedian" Jack Whitehall took to social media to address rumours that he might play Idris Elba in the...
Letterbox

Boris Johnson looks like a c*nt, say letterboxes

Letterboxes around the UK have stood by their remarks about the Boris Johnson after the Post Office chairman asked them to apologise. There is broad...
Boris Johnson

Women in Burkhas look ridiculous, says man who looks like an overweight mop

Boris Johnson has once again found himself under fire due to comments he made likening women who wear Burqas and Niqabs in appearance to...
Woman and Cat

My cats are like my children, says woman whose cat raped stranger in bush...

A woman whose cats regularly rape strangers in bushes on nights out has insisted that her cats are like her children. Part time hairdresser Barbara...
Nazi Uniforms

Nazi slammed for organising Conservative Party themed stag do

A member of the Nazi Party at the centre of a controversy over a Conservative Party-themed stag do, is to step down as Obergruppenfuhrer...
Traffic

Total hero uses hazard warning lights to tell cars behind that cars in front...

Reports are coming in that a man is being described as a total hero after he used his hazard warning lights to tell the...

Beekeeper stung to death after Danish police force her to remove veil

Denmark was in shock today after a Danish beekeeper was stung to death in a tragic apiculture accident in Denmark. The news comes just days...
Free Tommy Robinson

‘Off to free Tommy Robinson’ replaces ‘dropping kids off at the pool’ as UK’s...

News is just in that spot poll of everybody in the UK has revealed today that the UK's favourite synonym for taking a dump...
Jeremy Hunt China

You lot all look the same to me, Jeremy Hunt tells wife and Chinese...

The UK's new foreign secretary Jeremy Hunt admitted yesterday that he can't tell his wife apart from the Chinese Foreign Minister because they both...
Geraint Thomas

Actual grown up man wins race around France on child’s toy

An actual grown up man has won a really long race around France on a children's toy.  The Team Sky rider from Cardiff, Geraint Thomas,...
Alpha Male

Man who refers to himself as an ‘alpha-male’ actually just a dickhead

A man from Rochdale who refers to himself as an 'alpha-male' is in fact just a bit of a dickead sources have revealed. The news...

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