The World Health Organisation has taken the unprecedented step of upgrading the five-second rule to just three seconds.

As the deadly Coronavirus pandemic sweeps the globe members of the public have been asked to only eat stuff they’ve dropped on the floor if they’ve managed to pick up within three seconds as opposed to five.

“We know this may seem a Draconian measure.” A WHO doctor told The Rochdale Herald.

“But we are asking hungry people who drop food on the floor not to eat it unless they’ve been able to pick up within three seconds and have given it a thorough wipe.”

The White House has roundly criticised the measures and has suggested that the best way to combat the Coronavirus outbreak is tax breaks for rich people.

For stupid people – Don’t eat stuff you’ve dropped on the floor.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.