Shoplifter

Beautiful young women on trial to be judged by ugly middle aged women in...

A new selection process has been announced for assigning judges to trials, taking into account both gender and aesthetics. This move will see all beautiful young women judged in future by ugly middle-aged women,...

Government to cut costs by putting prisoners in charge of prisons

The Government has announced plans to cut costs by putting prisoners in charge of prisons. The announcement comes after the successful conclusion of a recent trial of the system in Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.The Government...
Angry Man Shouting

Dyslexic holocaust denier accused of being anti-semantic

"It's them Joos again!" exclaimed Noel Iteracy. "I hate Joos, except Orange Juice, they was a good band, but Big Country was huge twats and should of been banned innit.""Of course the hologram never...
Toddler Prisoner

Government plans to lower age of criminal responsibility to 2 YEARS OLD

To help with the deficit, the government will be lowering the age of criminal responsibility to 2. The age of criminal responsibility is currently 10 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, and 12 in...

Interflora agent admits to killing Lady Di in deathbed confession shock

Alleged deathbed confession implicates both floral delivery service and royal family in assassination plotIn a shock announcement that has been doing the rounds on shonky, discredited fake news outlets for some time now, retired...
Donald Trump

Lord Lucan, Pol Pot, Martin Borman ,Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Boko Haram emerge from...

An entire top shelf of global mass murderers have signalled they plan to emerge from hiding following the announcement by US president Donald trump that he has - complete power to pardon anyone, anywhere,...
Peter McCallister

Peter McCallister found dead after triggering booby trap

Peter McCallister, has been found dead at the foot of his stairs within his home 671 Lincoln Avenue, Winnetka, Illinois.The Police are treating the death of father of five as suspicious. Detective Paul Simmons...
Police Raid

Jobs with street value of £25 million found in flat of immigrant scrounger

The recent drought of jobs for British citizens has been an ongoing concern. Tirelessly the DWP and businesses have been desperately trying to scramble together enough roles to keep the unemployed potential workforce earning...
Blackeye

999 rescue for man who misunderstood the meaning of ‘rape robot’

A dramatic and embarrassing rescue involving two fire engines and four police cars was underway this morning, after one man failed to realise his 'rape-programmable sex robot' intended to abduct and sexually assault him.Lewis...

Racial profiling proves racist police guilty of racial profiling

Two Florida police officers have been found guilty of being racially prejudiced in a Facebook trial.The damning evidence came when it was pointed out how the police officers had a different skin tone...
Hillsborough

Hillsborough survivors reassure families of Grenfell Tower victims that justice will be swift

Hillsborough a fine benchmark. Reports are reaching Herald HQ that Grenfell survivors paused on their way out of the tower to loot the dead. They then joined the drunken firemen and other first responders in...

Nelson Mandela House in Peckham Evacuated After 20,000 Litres of Luminous Paint Found in...

Hundreds of residents of Nelson Mandela House in Peckham have been evacuated after 20,000 Litres of highly flammable, luminous yellow paint was found stockpiled in one of the flats.The flat is thought to belong...

Tommy Robinson fitted with Cone of Shame

Ex-EDL frontman turned solo hate preacher, Tommy Robinson, has become the first human to be fitted with a "cone of shame."Medical professionals deemed the pioneering move necessary after a video emerged of Mr. Robinson...

Police fear French blogger killed in whipped cream accident may have topped herself

The international irony reservoir was overflowing this week as news came through that French lifestyle and fitness blogger, Becky Fromage-Burger, was slain in her own kitchen.Mlle. Fromage-Burger, who is renowned for appearing on the...

Duke of Edinburgh embroiled in food poisoning compensation scam

The Duke of Edinburgh is reported to have become embroiled in a food poisoning compensation scam scandal today just hours after being discharged from King Edward VIIII's hospital in Battersea.The Duke is rumoured to...
Police

Amber Rudd confirms extra police will be provided from Magic Bobby Tree

The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, said “The Met have deployed extra police to reassure communities especially those observing Ramadan."This is the fourth time in a very short period of time where the Met...

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