magistrates court

Teenager with first name ‘Giggs’ finally, inevitably, murders his father.

Giggs Johnson (17) was found guilty of murdering his father at Rochdale Court yesterday. In an unusual move the foreman of the jury addressed the judge saying "to be honest, m'lud, we'd all have...

Not all men, say men

Men would like you to know that the thing a man just did, just isn't something they would do Following a recent incident where a man did something which statistically is most frequently done by...
Ross and Rachel

Beer thieving ‘Ross’ looklike sentenced to watch every single episode of ‘Friends’.

A shoplifting, David Schwimmer look-a-like has been sentenced to watch every single episode of 'Friends' in one sitting, including 'The One Where They Were On A Break', 'The One Where Joey Has A Sandwich',...

Man kills woman

A woman has been killed by a man, make sure you use passive voice, the article is going to be about the woman This article is for the use of tabloid writers when a woman...
Criminal have pixelated faces

Study finds people with pixelated faces 70% more likely to commit crime

A study carried out by some of the country's top criminologists has highlighted a surprising correlation between people with pixelated faces and a predisposition to criminal activity. Professor Robyn Banks of Rochdale Community College told...

Black Friday riots as Asda sell trolleys for £1

Riot police had to be called to a Rochdale Asda today following a bout of civil disorder. Heavy discounts meant customers could purchase trolleys for £1. A Black Friday sale on trolleys saw customers fighting...

Knives sharper than the tools carrying them

Causes of knife crime confirmed to be poor choices of dead victims As knife crime continues to plague the streets of the capital, a bleeding edge study by Rochdale University has identified the top five...

Rochdale mum binge watched Netflix documentaries and is now blood spatter expert

52 year old mother of two Janice Longthorne has spent so many hours watching Netflix shows such as 'Making a Murderer' (seasons one and two) and 'The Staircase' that she now believes she is...

Rochdale man jailed for putting milk in tea before taking out teabag

A Rochdale man has been jailed for seven years for crimes against tea, it has been reported today. Steve Dickinson, 42 and a bit, was sentenced this morning after being found guilty of sixteen thousand...

Basil Brush on the defensive as police release CCTV image of ‘Croydon Cat Killer’

Television celebrity Basil Brush has been forced to reject allegations that he is responsible for the gruesome deaths of over 400 cats across London and the Home Counties.  Earlier today, the Metropolitan Police announced that it was...
Guantanamo Bay

G4S win contract to run Guantanamo Bay

Top US officials today confirmed that security company G4S have been granted the contract to oversee all operations in the somewhat controversial detention centre Guantanamo Bay. A spokesman for Guantanamo told us today that they...
Free Tommy Robinson

‘Off to free Tommy Robinson’ replaces ‘dropping kids off at the pool’ as UK’s...

News is just in that spot poll of everybody in the UK has revealed today that the UK's favourite synonym for taking a dump is now "off to free Tommy Robinson." According to experts at...
UK Police

Rising crime and falling numbers of police are incredible coincidence, insists Downing Street

Rising crime rates and the falling numbers of policemen on the streets are just an amazing coincidence and are in no way related, sources within Downing Street revealed today. The news comes after the chief...
The Old Bailey

Dramatic confession as video found guilty of radio star murder

A 38 year old killing was finally resolved at the Old Bailey yesterday as Video Charles Robinson, commonly known simply as 'Video' was found guilty in the notorious 'Radio Star' murder case. The prosecutor, Geoffrey...
Michael McIntyre

People who robbed Michael McIntyre receive award for services to comedy

Two robbers who robbed Michael McIntyre are to receive an award for services to comedy following their actions. One of the two robbers, most recently seen in the front row at a Stewart Lee gig,...
Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson wins coveted softest mouth in Hull prison award

Tommy Robinson has been voted HMP Hull's softest mouth award. Mr Robinson will be awarded the prize in a ceremony to be held on the roof of the prison. One insider told us, "Tommy is already...

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