Friday, June 22, 2018

“I did not have fap relations with my work computer” says Damien Green

The beleaguered Secretary of State is still denying accusations of downloading and viewing porn like a teen with two dicks on his office computer at work. The claims have been made by an ex...

Rochdale trolley collector quits job, anaesthetises pigeon and cuts off let to pursue career...

A Rochdale man has today spoken exclusively to the Herald about his short-lived career as a pirate. Captain Lidl Beard had been working as a trolley collector at The Rochdale branch of Lidl until quitting...

Attention seeker Brian Harvey arrested after sending himself abusive Tweets

Former East 17 Band member and serial own foot shooter Brian Harvey is said to be in trouble with the police over alleged malicious Tweeting. The runty Rottweiler once fronted the Poundland version of...

Foreigners with British citizenship MUST support England in the football, IT’S THE LAW

A Brazilian woman and her South African friend, who have both recently attained British citizenship, have been reported to the authorities after announcing that they will be supporting Brazil in the football. Artemisa Yousir, originally...

MP claims he was researching book on whether breasts make noises like clown horns

Leading MP Pete Who speaks out after being named in the Dirty Dossier. The Member of Parliament for Goveshire West, Pete Who, has given a public statement after being named in the so called “Dirty...
Milk Tray Man

Milk Tray man jailed for breaking and entering

A former chocolate delivery man broke into dozens of women’s homes over a 50 year period leaving unwanted chocolates and creepy handwritten notes. Gary Myers, 76 from Middleton in Lancashire, was jailed for 30 months after...

Unmasked – The Real Jack the Ripper

The question of the identity of the serial killer known as ‘The Whitechapel Murderer’, ‘Leather Apron’ or, most famously Jack the Ripper has been hotly contested since the culprit first brought terror to the...

Men warned not to date clever & pretty girls who might get “a bit...

A Judge has warned men that they only have themselves to blame if they date very clever, very pretty girls who are "a bit stabby." Judge Salted Pringle said that male victims often have themselves...
magistrates court

Rochdale Man jailed for 15 years for leaving teabag in sink

Rochdale man Steve Dickinson (38 and a half) has been convicted to 15 years in prison after being found guilty of leaving his teabag in the sink. Mr Dickinson made a cup of tea on...
Shoplifter

Beautiful young women on trial to be judged by ugly middle aged women in...

A new selection process has been announced for assigning judges to trials, taking into account both gender and aesthetics. This move will see all beautiful young women judged in future by ugly middle-aged women,...

Government to cut costs by putting prisoners in charge of prisons

The Government has announced plans to cut costs by putting prisoners in charge of prisons. The announcement comes after the successful conclusion of a recent trial of the system in Wiltshire and Hertfordshire. The Government...
Angry Man Shouting

Dyslexic holocaust denier accused of being anti-semantic

"It's them Joos again!" exclaimed Noel Iteracy. "I hate Joos, except Orange Juice, they was a good band, but Big Country was huge twats and should of been banned innit." "Of course the hologram never...
Toddler Prisoner

Government plans to lower age of criminal responsibility to 2 YEARS OLD

To help with the deficit, the government will be lowering the age of criminal responsibility to 2. The age of criminal responsibility is currently 10 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, and 12 in...

Interflora agent admits to killing Lady Di in deathbed confession shock

Alleged deathbed confession implicates both floral delivery service and royal family in assassination plot In a shock announcement that has been doing the rounds on shonky, discredited fake news outlets for some time now, retired...
Donald Trump

Lord Lucan, Pol Pot, Martin Borman ,Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Boko Haram emerge from...

An entire top shelf of global mass murderers have signalled they plan to emerge from hiding following the announcement by US president Donald trump that he has - complete power to pardon anyone, anywhere,...
Peter McCallister

Peter McCallister found dead after triggering booby trap

Peter McCallister, has been found dead at the foot of his stairs within his home 671 Lincoln Avenue, Winnetka, Illinois. The Police are treating the death of father of five as suspicious. Detective Paul Simmons...

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