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White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Brian Cox's Flat Earth

Brian Cox concedes Earth is flat after spotting massive rounding error

Astrophysicists around or rather, across the world are in turmoil after Oldham-born pop-rock sensation, Professor Brian Cox today admitted that the Earth is indeed flat.Prof. Cox dropped the bombshell on the scientific world...

Man whose toast popped at the same time as his kettle boiled causes black...

A Welshman had a shock today when a black hole opened in his kitchen.The man, who can't be named because his name is unpronounceable in Welsh, told us that the black hole opened...

Only 17 more sleeps until numpties stop saying how many sleeps until Christmas

The London Sleep Clinic has today confirmed that it should only be necessary to go to bed 17 more times before everyone regains the ability to use clocks and calendars to measure the passage...

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Hearse

The Rochdale Herald has learned that ITV plans to make drastic changes to the format of next year's 'I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here'.The number of actual celebrities appearing in the popular reality...

Scientists confirm tea tastes better when somebody else makes it

Researchers from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that tea tastes loads better when somebody else has made it.Maurice Tips, Professor of Hot Beverages at the University's world famous Brew...
Scientists

Scientists confirm that builder’s tea is just tea

A team of scientists from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that builder's tea is, in fact, just tea.Clarence Tetley, lead beverage researcher at the University's world famous Brew Institute,...
Boris Johnson

‘Shit dont stick to this, fam’ says Boris Johnson

Non-stick coating manufacturer Teflon has today announced a lucrative tie in with Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.The company is believed to have lined up an Ad campaign featuring the befuddled minister throwing buckets of shite...
Bitch face

Resting Bitch Face to be renamed Resting Just Sick of Your Shit Face

It seems that testing conditions, designed to mimic working in an average open plan office space, may have coloured the subjects' results. "It wasn't that their neutral faces were 'bitchy', just that even within a short time of meeting us, they were already just sick of our shit."
Scientists

Scientists confirm this is the weird parallel universe

After 2 years of unprecedented levels of worldwide idiocy, scientists have discovered that the parallel universe where weird shit happens is this one.Popular theory states that there are an infinite number of universes...

Britain to stop messing about and put the clocks back twenty years this October

Tony Blair woke this morning to find himself in the enviable position of a second chance at his legacy with the announcement the clocks are going back not one hour, but a full twenty...

Apple announce the launch of the new iPhone Glitch-delivering all of the ‘Out of...

Apple today announced a new generation of iPhone: The iPhone Glitch.The new iPhone Glitch will deliver today all of the update-delivered ‘enhancements’ that customers have previously had to wait for their Warranty to lapse...
Turn it off and on

Team behind the May-Bot to try turning it off and back on again

The Project May-Bot team have announced that due to recent poor performance and unexpected features being noted, they are looking into resetting the May-Bot in the time-honoured fashion of turning it off and back...

Buzzfeed pulls ‘Which terrorist group are you?’ quiz after complaints

Entertainment website Buzzfeed has withdrawn its ‘Which terrorist group are you?’ quiz following user complaints. The website removed the quiz on Tuesday afternoon, and released a statement apologising for what it admitted had been...

Rochdale cyclist says he’s right about earth being flat

A Rochdale cyclist has spent the entire week explaining to people he works with how he knows the Earth is flat.Carl Isles, cycles the ten miles to work and back everyday and still gets...
Blackhole

Supermassive black hole found at the heart of the Conservative Party

Scientists working at Rochdale university announced Monday that they have proved the existence of supermassive black hole at the heart of the Conservative Party."Imagine a singularity of such intense greed and self interest that...

Climate change deniers blame solar panels for sucking all the light out of the...

Climate change deniers took to social media today to decry the damage being done by solar panels to the sun, which they blame for sucking all the light out.With the total eclipse of the...

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