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White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Blackhole

Supermassive black hole found at the heart of the Conservative Party

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Scientists working at Rochdale university announced Monday that they have proved the existence of supermassive black hole at the heart of the Conservative Party. "Imagine a singularity of such intense greed and self interest that...
Man in tinfoil hat

Trump: tinfoil a good defence against mind control rays

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President-elect Donald J Trump has announced a groundbreaking and cutting edge technology to combat the growing menace of conspiracies facing the US. He is well known for saying that global warming is a scam perpetrated...

New Britain First leader Wayne Cummings apparently not a made up name

Wayne Cummings has beaten off stiff competition from brothers Wayne Kerr and Yiwen Kerr to slide into interim role as Bellend-in-Chief of the UK's leading far right hate group, Britain First. In the seminal 1985...

EXCLUSIVE: Apple customers will be forced to install ‘iBalls’ to use new SCREENLESS iPhone...

Tech giant Apple has refused to comment on reports that customers will be forced to replace their own eyes if they want to use the new iPhone 9, which will be sold WITHOUT a screen.  The rumours, which come less than a month before the company...
Scientists

‘How many roads must a man walk down before he can call himself a...

Researchers have proved that the number of roads a man must walk down before you call him a man is greater than, or equal to, zero. Professor Lance Boyle of the University of Rochdale said...

Monkey With Typewriter Writes ‘Donald Trump Is An Orangutan In A Suit’

There was great excitement at the Royal Institute For Statistical Improbability today. Beppo, one of the infinite number of monkeys with typewriters trying to type the complete works of Shakespeare, wrote "Donald Trump is an...

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Hearse

The Rochdale Herald has learned that ITV plans to make drastic changes to the format of next year's 'I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here'. The number of actual celebrities appearing in the popular reality...
Scientist

People with personalised number plates are knobs, according to latest research

Antisocial anthropologist Dr Alec Smartt revealed this astounding fact in his dissertation entitled "Discerning the class differentials in a post-modern classless society". Dr Smartt's research focussed particularly upon successful people who have mysteriously risen...
Brian Cox

Donald Trump’s ego biggest object in known universe, says Professor Brian Cox

Science - Astronomers have the identity of the biggest object in the known universe, and it's not your average - or even above-average - celestial body. In a statement to the Rochdale Herald, Professor Brian...

Researchers reclassify idiocy as alt-intelligence

Gavin Chappie of Rochdale Community University claims to have made a discovery in the development of AI.  He told the Herald that his theory may have important repercussions in many areas, and is hoping to...

Parents ask kids to surf net to find solution to spending too much time...

Fresh fears regarding the overuse of the internet by youngsters has emerged, with experts suggesting that it should be compared to fast food. The way for parents to treat the internet when their children...

Farage either ‘Innumerate’ or ‘Hypocritical Dickwad’ says Brian Cox

Nigel Farage is either blind to numbers or being a massive hypocrite, according to Professor Brian Cox, the eminent almost-Rochdale scientist.  "Farage has spent months whining on about how political and judicial frameworks must not...
Turkberry

Rochdale scientists breed Christmas ‘turkberry’

Top food scientists say they are 'very close' to successfully breeding a turkey with a cranberry bush. The new 'turkberry' hybrid bush-bird could be on our Christmas dinner tables as early as next year, if...

Microsoft worker takes Apple to court

Yesterday, a Microsoft employee allegedly got a dressing down from High Court judge, the Right Honorable Justice Antony Smyth-Tomkinson. The employee who we cannot name for legal reasons was serving on the jury in...
Cigar Shaped Asteroid

Cigar Shaped Asteroid Ouamuamua’s violent past hints he’s from Blackburn

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Space - Mere months after it was revealed Om.. Oom.. that cigar shaped asteroid, was believed to have come from a distant solar system, the world of science has been rocked with the news...
Fruit Salad

Fruit salad cancer risk

Fruit salads may cause cancer, top Latvian scientists have found. The study, published in Eat My Carcinoma, has sent shockwaves through fruit communities and undermines the long-held belief that this ancient food can help...

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