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White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Computer driven people are a menace say self-driven cars

Over the last ten years or so, humans have been becoming more and more computer-driven. Cars are speaking out against this worrying trend. In a...
Kitten lab

Earth isn’t flat, cats would have pushed everything off edge by now if it...

Scientists around the World have finally conceded that the Earth is most probably not a completely flat disc after all. Research conducted at the University...

Trump marks 50 years since Abraham Lincoln walked on Mars

Donald Trump has today given a speech suggesting that it's the 50th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln walking on Mars. A spokesman for POTATUS said,...
Remote pointing at TV

GCHQ Samsung smart TV hack reveals threat to UK

WikiLeaks revelations that GCHQ has hacked into Samsung smart TV sets to turn them into listening devices has revealed some fascinating facts impacting on...

Trident Subs: Gotta catch ’em all

Speaking at the Nato summit in Warsaw this week, David Cameron has hinted that almost £16bn ear-marked for the renewal of the Trident nuclear...

EXCLUSIVE: Apple customers will be forced to install ‘iBalls’ to use new SCREENLESS iPhone...

Tech giant Apple has refused to comment on reports that customers will be forced to replace their own eyes if they want to use the new iPhone 9, which will be sold...
Scientists

Scientists confirm this is the weird parallel universe

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After 2 years of unprecedented levels of worldwide idiocy, scientists have discovered that the parallel universe where weird shit happens is this one. Popular...
Turkberry

Rochdale scientists breed Christmas ‘turkberry’

Top food scientists say they are 'very close' to successfully breeding a turkey with a cranberry bush. The new 'turkberry' hybrid bush-bird could be on...

Parents ask kids to surf net to find solution to spending too much time...

Fresh fears regarding the overuse of the internet by youngsters has emerged, with experts suggesting that it should be compared to fast food. The...

Government that can’t afford to electrify TransPennine Express announces plans for a space program

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The Government has announced a vague and ill thought out plan to start a space program instead of electrifying the TransPennine Express railway line. A...

Microsoft to finally stop buggering about with Windows

Microsoft have announced today that they have finally finished fannying about with Windows and Microsoft Office. The news has been met with widespread concern by...

Scientists confirm tea tastes better when somebody else makes it

Researchers from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that tea tastes loads better when somebody else has made it. Maurice Tips,...

Euro TV Satellite expected to fall on Rochdale: “Nothing to fear” say boffins

28.2E Astra2/Eurobird1 may not mean anything to most people, but it is very much in the minds of worried Rochdale residents who have recently...
Man in tinfoil hat

Trump: tinfoil a good defence against mind control rays

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President-elect Donald J Trump has announced a groundbreaking and cutting edge technology to combat the growing menace of conspiracies facing the US. He is well...

South African Scientist Discovers Free Non-Polluting Energy Source

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Imagine the scenario: you are in a pub, when a local starts spouting racist nonsense. You have an overwhelming desire to stand up and...
Scientists

Scientist confirms it’s impossible to grow potato behind an ear

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A top Agricultural scientist at Cambridge University has revealed that potatoes cannot grow behind or even in a persons earlobe. This shock news comes...

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