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White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Turkberry

Rochdale scientists breed Christmas ‘turkberry’

Top food scientists say they are 'very close' to successfully breeding a turkey with a cranberry bush.The new 'turkberry' hybrid bush-bird could be on our Christmas dinner tables as early as next year, if...

Apple announce the launch of the new iPhone Glitch-delivering all of the ‘Out of...

Apple today announced a new generation of iPhone: The iPhone Glitch.The new iPhone Glitch will deliver today all of the update-delivered ‘enhancements’ that customers have previously had to wait for their Warranty to lapse...

Man who received double hand transplant can’t wait to “trim his hedge”

The first person in the UK ever to have a double hand transplant has told The Rochdale Herald that he can't wait to get home to "trim his hedge".We bet he can't. Chris King...
Jeremy Hunt

Stephen Hawking hasn’t got a leg to stand on, says Jeremy Hunt

Health Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt has responded to Hawking's criticism of NHS reforms in a series of tweets, which are pompous even by Hunt's high standards. The extraordinary war of words between Hunt and...

Linkin Park’s poignant question answered

The question posed by Linkin Park all those years ago has been answered and people might not like the answer.According to scientists, who have been researching the question which hadn't been considered before the 90's nu...

Apple Sues Samsung Over ‘Shit Battery’ ?Patent Infingement

Apple is to sue Samsung after the Korean electronics giant recalled its flagship Galaxy Note 7 smartphone after the battery repeatedly blew up during or after charging."We have received several reports of battery explosion...
Prime Numbers

Government Set to Outlaw Prime Numbers

In a surprise announcement this morning, it has emerged that the Government has released a White Paper aimed at criminalising the use of prime numbers.A prime number is a number that can only be...
Theresa May

May gives UK schools education 101

Prime Minister Theresa May has heralded education reforms by telling UK schools that there will be "no return to the binary system of the past".The Rochdale Herald has this to say:01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011...

Atheists pilgrimage to Dawkins’ home after Darwin appears on toast

Hundreds of atheists have laid siege to the home of renowned ethnologist and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins after he reported finding an image of Charles Darwin on a piece of toast yesterday morning.Dawkins...
Michael Gove

Impossible to see photo of Michael Gove and not say ‘Twat’ research proves

Researchers at Rochdale Community University have proven conclusively that is impossible to look at a photograph of Michael Gove with a muttering the word "twat".

Yahoo’s Head of IT Security asks Have you tried turning it off then on...

The Global Head of IT Security for Yahoo has moved swiftly to support customers and dispel rumours of incompetence.VP of IT Security Brian Hodgkins, a retired PE Teacher from Rochdale, has contacted every Yahoo...

A new Pokemon Go addition announced today is the Govey

The rare Pokemon can be found near knife drawers and can be evolved from its natural Tory stage, to raging Racist Govenator stage to it's final stage of evolution The Govegone, an invisible creature...
Rochdale

Rochdale residents anger as DNA test reveals some are 60% potato

Rochdale residents have been angered by a DNA profiling study that showed that many weren't descendants of native Rochdaleans at all.The study, run by Rochdale Community University, was attended by a large array of...

Christian groups OUTRAGED as Apple replace Christian emojis with Islamojis

The next update to Apple's iOS devices will feature almost 100 Islamic emojis, dubbed Islamojis, replacing almost all Christian iconography available on the iPhone 7.The move has been slammed by Christian critics of Apple...
Theresa May

Anagramologists discover Conservatives is an anagram of voters cave in

Only Theresa May can effectively negotiate Brexit, according to Tories.“Obviously with all 27 EU nations being absolutely united and holding all the cards,” explained Brexit expert and Conservative Party member Lotta Pounds, “it would...

‘iPhone 7 best ever’ declare vacuous self obsessed brand whores

We caught up with some douchebag in skinny jeans outside the Apple Store in the Arndale this afternoon:"I've been queuing since Saturday!" Travelling UPVC window salesman, Don Key, told us."It looks like all the...

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