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Dick Turnip

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19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.

Pensioners advised to burn BBC licence fee fines to keep warm this winter

The government, breaking a manifesto promise, has facilitated the scrapping of the free TV license for over 75s from 2020. "My pension doesn't cover the...

Burnley Lidl selling Father’s Day Cards in packs of five

With Father's Day fast approaching, supermarkets and stationary stores across the country are displaying cards and gifts for children to give to their father this Sunday. Burnley Lidl has raised a few eyebrows with its five card bundle offer.

US celebrates after number of days so far this year overtakes number of mass...

Despite this mornings massacre in Virginia, Americans are celebrating today as June 1st marks 152 days into the year and only 150 mass shootings. "It's...

New royal baby to be called Mohammed and raised gender neutral

The Duchess of Sussex Megan Markle has today given birth to a healthy child after a quick labour. Prince Harry is reported as delighted, as...

Tommy Robinson claims free Milkshake during Warrington Campaign

Pint sized, shouty, hater of brown people, Steven Yaxley-Lennon, better known by one of his dozen names 'Tommy Robinson' presumably to sound more British...

One dead and two critical after fight over last packet of burger buns

At approximately one o'clock this afternoon emergency services were dispatched to the Cooperative convenience store in Middleton. The initial response was to investigate a...

God refuses to put out Notre Dame fire until he gets 100,000 likes =...

The 14th century cathedral has already lost one of its spires and a large section of roof in the blaze after a fire broke...

Notre Dame Cathedral fire caused by unattended Chip pan in bell tower

Parisian fire fighters are currently battling a roaring fire at the Notre Dame cathedral. The fire has caused one of the medieval spires and a...
Space Rocket

Israel launches airstrike on anti-semitic moon after spacecraft crash

The first privately funded mission to the moon has had an apparent failure resulting in a crash. The Israeli...

Embarrassment as all members of EDL Halloween party dressed as spooky ghosts

The Rochdale branch of the English Defence League face fresh controversy this week after an embarrassing mishap at the annual members Halloween party. "We've had...

Man who describes himself as an Alpha Male actually a massive wanker

Research undertaken at the Smallbridge Campus of the University of Manchester in Rochdale has concluded that people that refer to themselves as Alpha Males...
Red moon

Northerners scared by red moon consult wise woman and prepare sacrifices

Looking outside last night millions of British citizens were confronted by the moon appearing enlarged and glowing a curious red. Whilst most people south of...
Boris the Clown

Boris resigns to spend more time in storm drain beckoning to children

Boris Johnson has resigned from his position as foreign secretary today, and has returned to his natural role as a malevolent entity which preys...
Water Company

Follow Burnley’s example and shower less often, water companies urge Britain

The recent heatwave shows no sign of abating with another four weeks of sunshine forecast by the Met Office. A hosepipe ban has been enacted...

Fears of bush fire on Saddleworth moor causing huge smoke cloud actually vaping Hipster

For three days smoke has filled the skies above north Manchester as Saddleworth moor has been seemingly ablaze, leaving North Manchester covered in a...
Tommy Robinson

Muslims should respect our laws, says racist in prison for breaking our laws

Today crowds of nearly a few dozen have gathered outside Downing Street armed with Placards stating "free are Tommy" and two Netto bags full...

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