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Dick Turnip

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19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.

4,000 job cuts at HSBC after Columbian drug cartels move accounts to Barclays

HSBC has told investors today that around 2% of the company's workforce will be made redundant with the focus on anybody who hasn't got...
Couple with dog

Season your pets before leaving them in a hot car

do With temperatures hitting 30°C across the nation, dog owners have been warned to pay special attention to their four legged friends. Each year the RSPCA...

Convertible car owner not as smug after leaving the top down last night

Sandra Numpton of Heywood has spent the last few days driving around in her convertible Mini Cooper, sun glasses on, hair in the wind,...

Pensioners advised to burn BBC licence fee fines to keep warm this winter

The government, breaking a manifesto promise, has facilitated the scrapping of the free TV license for over 75s from 2020. "My pension doesn't cover the...

Burnley Lidl selling Father’s Day Cards in packs of five

With Father's Day fast approaching, supermarkets and stationary stores across the country are displaying cards and gifts for children to give to their father this Sunday. Burnley Lidl has raised a few eyebrows with its five card bundle offer.

US celebrates after number of days so far this year overtakes number of mass...

Despite this mornings massacre in Virginia, Americans are celebrating today as June 1st marks 152 days into the year and only 150 mass shootings. "It's...

New royal baby to be called Mohammed and raised gender neutral

The Duchess of Sussex Megan Markle has today given birth to a healthy child after a quick labour. Prince Harry is reported as delighted, as...

Tommy Robinson claims free Milkshake during Warrington Campaign

Pint sized, shouty, hater of brown people, Steven Yaxley-Lennon, better known by one of his dozen names 'Tommy Robinson' presumably to sound more British...

One dead and two critical after fight over last packet of burger buns

At approximately one o'clock this afternoon emergency services were dispatched to the Cooperative convenience store in Middleton. The initial response was to investigate a...

God refuses to put out Notre Dame fire until he gets 100,000 likes =...

The 14th century cathedral has already lost one of its spires and a large section of roof in the blaze after a fire broke...

Notre Dame Cathedral fire caused by unattended Chip pan in bell tower

Parisian fire fighters are currently battling a roaring fire at the Notre Dame cathedral. The fire has caused one of the medieval spires and a...
Space Rocket

Israel launches airstrike on anti-semitic moon after spacecraft crash

The first privately funded mission to the moon has had an apparent failure resulting in a crash. The Israeli...

Embarrassment as all members of EDL Halloween party dressed as spooky ghosts

The Rochdale branch of the English Defence League face fresh controversy this week after an embarrassing mishap at the annual members Halloween party. "We've had...

Man who describes himself as an Alpha Male actually a massive wanker

Research undertaken at the Smallbridge Campus of the University of Manchester in Rochdale has concluded that people that refer to themselves as Alpha Males...
Red moon

Northerners scared by red moon consult wise woman and prepare sacrifices

Looking outside last night millions of British citizens were confronted by the moon appearing enlarged and glowing a curious red. Whilst most people south of...
Boris the Clown

Boris resigns to spend more time in storm drain beckoning to children

Boris Johnson has resigned from his position as foreign secretary today, and has returned to his natural role as a malevolent entity which preys...

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