The ninety seven-year-old Duke of Edinburgh who has suspected flu was forced to sleep on a hospital treatment room floor because of a lack of brand new, un-used gold-leaf beds with swan-down pillows and Mulberry silk sheets.

The Duke was photographed lying on a pile of royal servants covered by sable fur coats emblazoned with the royal heraldry at Edward VII hospital on 20th December.

His wife, Queen Elizabeth II said “It is abhorrent that my husband the duke was forced to sleep on a make-shift bed made up of his grooms and our finest fur like some sort of commoner.”

Dr Hugh G. Rection said: “We offered to throw patients out of their beds for the Duke, but he insisted he wanted brand new beds to be brought in.”

He added: “We are extremely sorry that there were only duck down pillows and Egyptian cotton sheets available in the treatment room, and that the new bed was not gold leaf embossed. This falls below our usual high standards, and for this we would like to sincerely apologise to the royal family for any distress caused.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.