Monday, August 20, 2018
Spider

Boris Johnson bitten by radioactive spider, spider now a complete c*nt

A radioactive spider was rushed to the vets today after biting Boris Johnson and subsequently becoming a massive arsehole. Apparently after biting Mr Johnson the spider immediately fathered 2000 children with several lady spiders. It...
Homeless

Government announce £100m fund to eradicate park benches and electrify shop doorways

Housing and Homeless Ministers announced a package of measures worth £100m to eradicate homelessness today. As part of the measures 4,751 park and town benches will be removed to be replaced by pop up kitchens,...
Postman

Postmen refuse to empty post boxes as ‘there could be anything in there’

Postmen across the country are refusing to open and empty letter boxes after being led to believe they could contain anything including bank robbers and Muslim women. Correspondence Logistics Operative (the job formally known as...
Letterbox

Boris Johnson looks like a c*nt, say letterboxes

Letterboxes around the UK have stood by their remarks about the Boris Johnson after the Post Office chairman asked them to apologise. There is broad cross party support for letterboxes who have been criticised by...

Gerry Adams to launch cooking show called, Gerry’s Duck a l’Orange March

Gerry Adams is releasing a new cook book and getting a new cookery show on RTÉ. The show will be called, Gerry's Duck a l'Orange March. It sees Adams travelling around Ireland cooking various...
Nazi Uniforms

Nazi slammed for organising Conservative Party themed stag do

A member of the Nazi Party at the centre of a controversy over a Conservative Party-themed stag do, is to step down as Obergruppenfuhrer of his local brown shorts SS division. Herr Himmler was forced...
Traffic

Total hero uses hazard warning lights to tell cars behind that cars in front...

Reports are coming in that a man is being described as a total hero after he used his hazard warning lights to tell the cars behind him that the cars in front of him...
Free Tommy Robinson

‘Off to free Tommy Robinson’ replaces ‘dropping kids off at the pool’ as UK’s...

News is just in that spot poll of everybody in the UK has revealed today that the UK's favourite synonym for taking a dump is now "off to free Tommy Robinson." According to experts at...
Smartphone

I’m definitely not addicted to my smartphone, says person reading this on her smartphone

A Rochdale woman has told her friends that she's definitely not addicted to her smartphone, whilst reading a news story about people being addicted to their smartphones on her smartphone. Lindsay Ellis, 26, told her...
Geraint Thomas

Actual grown up man wins race around France on child’s toy

An actual grown up man has won a really long race around France on a children's toy.  The Team Sky rider from Cardiff, Geraint Thomas, became the first Welshman to win something after crossing the...
Shouting Man

Man who failed GCSE Science now a climate change expert

A man who failed GCSE Science has now declared that he is an expert in climate science and knows more than people who have spent the last 30 years studying climate science. Bill Board was...
UK Police

Rising crime and falling numbers of police are incredible coincidence, insists Downing Street

Rising crime rates and the falling numbers of policemen on the streets are just an amazing coincidence and are in no way related, sources within Downing Street revealed today. The news comes after the chief...

Egyptian Zoo claim donkey identifies as zebra.

Representatives from a zoo in Cairo have come forward to say that claims that they dressed a donkey up as a zebra are unfounded and unfair on the zebra, who has lived that way...
John Lewis Weasel

Russia denies involvement as Springwatch ‘Favourite British Wild Animal’ poll won by the weasel.

Questions have been asked as the BBC Springwatch poll to find Britain's favourite wild animal was convincingly won by the weasel. "I have to say it's a bit of a shock" said presenter Christov Pakov....
The Old Bailey

Dramatic confession as video found guilty of radio star murder

A 38 year old killing was finally resolved at the Old Bailey yesterday as Video Charles Robinson, commonly known simply as 'Video' was found guilty in the notorious 'Radio Star' murder case. The prosecutor, Geoffrey...

World Health Organisation on standby as UK confirms youngest ever case of man-flu

Officials at the World Health Organisation have raised the threat level of a global pandemic to full alert.

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