Brexiters excited to leave the EU posthumously

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According to a recent poll, Leave voters up and down the country are excited at the prospect of leaving the EU posthumously. Following continuous delays and an ever extending transition period, defiant Brexiters have taken...

Extinction Rebellion glue themselves to new Brexit deal

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In a disastrous move for Boris Johnson, a member of climate protest group Extinction Rebellion have glued themselves to the newly negotiated Brexit deal. White, dreadlocked protestor Fennel Mulberry-Moonstone aged 35 from Totnes is thought...
Westminster

Voters must provide family coat of arms as ID insists government

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The government has been accused of the suppression of voters' rights after plans to introduce compulsory checks of a family coat of arms for voters were leaked. Reports that the Queen's speech contains...

The Rochdale Herald’s top 10 tips for hating Meghan Markle

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The Daily Mail and The Daily Express have today announced that Britons will be expected to devote as much as 14 hours a day to hatred of Meghan Markle by the year...

Boris Johnson books flight home from New York with Thomas Cook

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Downing Street have issued a statement this morning explaining that Boris Johnson won't be able to attend Prime Minister's Questions today because he's stuck in New York. Mr Johnson and his entourage are...

‘It’s pronounced KWINAH, you pretentious f*ckwits’ confirms Quinoa

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Middle class consumers were left reeling today after one of the much beloved 'super foods' they incessantly extol the virtues of confirmed that everyone has been pronouncing its name incorrectly. Long pronounced Keen-warh by people...

World leaders tackle climate change with massive party and flights home on private jets

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The world's elite gave their 100% commitment to climate change this Monday by having a colossal piss up then returning to all corners of the globe in their own private jets. With climate change very...

UK wakes up in shower and realises it was all a dream

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Season 6 of the failing blockbuster drama Brexiting Bad has plumbed new depths of plotting. Following episodes where lead character Boris Johnson got angry and turned into a massive green frog and the evil Dominic...
High Court

Stop proroguing, tidy your room, and wash that sock, rule UK’s few remaining grown...

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After spending several weeks in his room, claiming to be "revising" legislation, the PM has finally been told to put his Johnson down.  "Stop proroguing this instant, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson,"...

Thomas Cook passengers choosing ride share with refugees rather than Ryanair

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Thomas Cook, one of the world's oldest travel providers has gone into liquidation, meaning thousands of job losses and over a hundred thousand holidays cancelled with British citizens already on holiday stranded. Keith Entwistle of...
Ryanair

Ryanair confirm passengers to fly planes from 2020

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Troubled budget airline Ryanair today announced plans to ease their ongoing pilot strike issues by confirming they will now charge customers to fly their planes. With services still facing disruption, boss Michael O'Leary moved swiftly...

Daily Mail readers boycott RSPB after it helps Canadian Goose

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Daily Mail readers have been cancelling their subscriptions to the RSPB following reports that it helped a Canadian Goose that fell into a river. One told us, "This is disgusting really. I've been...

Daily Mail readers cancel WWF donations after discovering pandas aren’t native to Britain

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Daily Mail 'readers' have been cancelling donations to the World Wildlife Fund today after the newspaper revealed that it helps wildlife not native to Britain. Mail 'reader', theyarrestyouforbeingenglish1521 told us, "It's disgusting. There's...
Wetherspoons

Brexiteers to die of cirrhosis 20% sooner thanks to Wetherspoons

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Price cuts on just before date-expired cask ale and fizzy lager mean that Wetherspoons customers will be able to drink themselves to death more rapidly. Chain owner and furious scarecrow Ian Wetherspoon said "I'm delighted...

Tommy Robinson converts to hipsterism in prison, plans to open falafel stand in Shoreditch

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Far-right garden gnome impersonator Tommy Robinson has revealed that he has become a hipster in prison and plans to open an organic falafel stand in Shoreditch. Robinson, whose real name is Stephen Yaxley-Lennon,...

Yeah, well I didn’t want an election anyway, so ner, huffs ridiculous man child

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The degradation of formerly Great Britain continued this week, with the news that Boris Johnson has again failed in his attempt to call a General Election he claims he does not want. "Look,...

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