Monday, October 22, 2018
UFC

Brain dead lunkhead defeats violent wanker in front of large crowd of idiots

Nearly eight brain cells were killed in a mass brawl following the Ultimate Fight Club bout between Conman McGregor and Khabab Gnawmigonadov in Las Vegas at the weekend. The Ultimate Fight Club, which unfortunately...

Entire Tory Party arrested in clampdown on middle class cocaine users

The Conservative Party is facing a huge crisis today after its entire membership was arrested during a clampdown on middle class cocaine users. PC Drug-Bust McGee told us, "We'd heard there was a huge gathering...
Theresa May (licence)

Scientists discover creature smaller than Theresa May’s credibility.

Biologists wielding enormous magnifying glasses today discovered a newt thought to be the world's smallest living thing. This infinitesimal being has been proved by scientists to have less substance than the Tory manifesto; less conscience...

Living in Italy and eating really nice food might cure depression, confirms Institute of...

The institute for the blindingly obvious has today proclaimed that living in Italy and eating nice food may help depression. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, "The researchers looked at 2 groups of...
Corbyn

Labour plans to make unions transfer power to workers

Large unions would be forced to transfer as much as 10 percent of their voting rights to workers under plans set out by the Labour Party on Monday Labour said that every union with more...

Basil Brush on the defensive as police release CCTV image of ‘Croydon Cat Killer’

Television celebrity Basil Brush has been forced to reject allegations that he is responsible for the gruesome deaths of over 400 cats across London and the Home Counties.  Earlier today, the Metropolitan Police announced that it was...
Putin

Vladimir Putin wins Russia’s Young Gifted and Black TV show

Vladimir Putin has claimed victory in the inaugural series of new Russian TV show; Young, Gifted and Black. The final was on Saturday and saw 900m viewers across Russia tune in to see Mr...
Corbyn

Sacha Baron-Cohen amazed no one has seen through his Jeremy Corbyn character

Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character 'Jeremy Corbyn'. "I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to...
Band

Indie rock band releases totally original angsty song about a girl

In a refreshing change of direction, Sheffield-based indie rock band Reverb Army has written an angsty song about a girl. Having teased the song at a pub gig last week, frontman Jake Bower said it's...

Alleged assassin Alexander Petrov’s walking gear recommendations

In an exclusive for The Rochdale Herald, alleged Russian agent and leading fitness industry consultant Alexander Petrov gives Herald readers his recommendations for walking gear. If you're planning to walk in the country or just...

Bake Off viewers shocked as Paul Hollywood offers Manon Lagreve an iced finger

Great British Bake Off viewers have been taking to social media tonight in anger after Paul Hollywood offered contestant Manon Lagreve an iced finger. Bernadette Board said, "It had been a lovely episode. They'd just...
Bono

Berlin enjoys best U2 gig in years as Bono loses his voice

It's being dubbed as the greatest U2 concert ever by people who bought tickets but can't work out why. U2 played Berlin last night and had the audience in raptures as the show was ended...

Television viewers shocked to discover drama series that doesn’t involve paedophiles

Viewers of a new TV drama series have spoken of their shock at discovering that it didn't involve paedophillia at any point. Departure, a new 8 part drama series that follows the lives of a...

Road naming honour for Info Wars ‘journalist’ Paul Watson in his home town of...

In a bid to balance the left leaning opinions of Mayor Magid Magid, Sheffield City Council have unveiled a new road in the south of the city which has been named after Right-Wing commentator,...

Government that can’t afford to electrify TransPennine Express announces plans for a space program

The Government has announced a vague and ill thought out plan to start a space program instead of electrifying the TransPennine Express railway line. A Government spokesman said, "After doing a full audit of the...

There should be a free press like that Iranian TV channel I work for,...

Jeremy Corby has announced plans to shake up the media and make it more sympathetic to him and the Labour Party going forward. The plans were announced today by the most glorious, principled, caring...

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