Friday, June 22, 2018

Raheem Sterling to start giving guided tours of his tattoo’s

England footballer, Raheem Sterling has said he's going to start offering tours of his tattoos. Sterling made the announcement when he met members of the English media yesterday to discuss his chances of getting...

City Traders delighted to cash in on RBS free money Bonanza

The Government has announced a radical new plan to help, hard pressed, under-performing multi-million pound hedge fund managers make up the short-fall in their balance sheets. The hedge fund managers have been finding trading difficult in...
Michael McIntyre

People who robbed Michael McIntyre receive award for services to comedy

Two robbers who robbed Michael McIntyre are to receive an award for services to comedy following their actions. One of the two robbers, most recently seen in the front row at a Stewart Lee gig,...

Jeremy Corbyn found alive and well and working in B&Q

Jeremy Corbyn has been found alive and well and working in a branch of B&Q. The DIY store is well known for its positive policies of employing older workers but it still came as...

Poll proves delivering comedy through a voice synth makes it quarter of a million...

A new poll of over 2 million sofa enthusiasts has shown that British audiences find comedy funnier if delivered through a voice synthesizer. The vote demonstrated a narrow preference over camp autistic comedy, with both...

Teenager on Love Island talks b******s for 60 minutes

Television viewers were left cringing tonight by one of the contestants on hit TV show Love Island. Valerie Still said, "It was awful. They each had to pick somebody in the villa and write a...
Tony the Tiger

Tony the Tiger calls out Jamie Oliver after cereal box slur

Celebrity spotters and various other people with naff all better going on in their lives were feverishly screaming over rumours of a celebrity feud reaching breaking point this morning. The feud erupted after it emerged...
Old Graduate

University of Life under investigation as graduates don’t understand basic legal principles

The University of Life's School of Law is under investigation today after a study found that 98% of its graduates don't understand the basic principles of the law. Chief Inspector Bill Board told us, "The...

Nigel Farage’s reveals apocalyptic Brexit plan involves moving to Germany

Nigel Farage MP (just kidding) has revealed a Brexit Armageddon plan that involves him relocating to Germany. It's understood that should Britain exit the EU without a deal then KFC could run out of...

John Terry leaves Villa to spend more time with Wayne Bridge’s family

John Terry has announced he's leaving Aston Villa today. Terry said he was leaving so that he could spend more time with Wayne Bridge's wife and kids. Terry told the assembled press, "It's been rough...

Nothing says f*** you to a neighbour like a Leilandii hedge

Scientists at Rochdale College have discovered that nothing gets the message that you hate them across to your neighbour's more than a Leilandii hedge. Dr Frederick Seddon told us, "We looked at various means that...

The Verve say lack of racism due to drugs not working

Indie stalwarts, The Verve have revealed that the in inspiration for their hit song, The Drugs Don't Work, was their inability to be racist. The band made the comments following this week's admission by Roseanne...

Dogs will be allowed on the Pitch during the World Cup in Russia

Man's best friend can now get even closer to the World Cup action. As Dogs will be allowed on the field during World Cup games.  Fifa announced today that during the World Cup, hosted by Russia, stray...

Walkers still putting cheese and onion crisps in wrong coloured bag

Walkers crisps have been told that they're putting cheese and onion crisps in the wrong colored bag despite everyone knowing that they don't go in the blue one. Crisp aficionado Stan Still said, "Why do...

Journalist who faked own death to replace Andrew Lincoln on The Walking Dead

Russian journalist, Arkady Babchenko, who was believed to have been murdered has turned up alive and announced he will be replacing Andrew Lincoln in, The Walking Dead. It was announced that the journalist had received...
Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson wins coveted softest mouth in Hull prison award

Tommy Robinson has been voted HMP Hull's softest mouth award. Mr Robinson will be awarded the prize in a ceremony to be held on the roof of the prison. One insider told us, "Tommy is already...

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