Grant Shapps hires ferry fleet to transport people back to offices

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Transport secretary Grant Shapps is so convinced that going back to work in offices is safe, that he has hired a fleet of ferries to transport people into city centres. The UK Transport Secretary has...

Boris Johnson praises BBC for spending £250m on non-existent PPE for the Proms

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Boris Johnson has said that Britain shouldn't be ashamed about the BBC's decision to spend £250m on non-existent PPE for the Last Night of the Proms. Mr Johnson said, "We should be proud that the...

Future election results to be based on pandemic exam model

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Following the overwhelming success of the Department of Education's strategy of grading academic exam results based on teachers' predicted grades and previous attainment levels, the government has announced a plan to determine General Election...

Michael Gove “more slippery than Teflon”

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Independent research at the Technical University of Rochdale has found that Michael Gove is more slippery than Teflon - and that a patent has been applied for which could revolutionise the development of a...
Wetherspoons

Move classrooms into pubs, says government

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After Ministers were forced to make a choice between opening schools in September or keeping pubs open, the government has decided to move classes into pubs. This will have the advantage of adding parental supervision...

Man fakes own death to avoid helping mum set up new iPhone

A Rochdale man has been found alive and well living in Panama after apparently faking his own death in a canoeing accident at Greenbooth Reservoir. Steve Dickinson, 43 and a bit, was tracked down by...

Cummings replaced by Orwell in No.10 reshuffle

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Downing Street today confirmed that Dominic Cummings has been sacked and replaced by George Orwell as the government's chief political advisor - effective immediately, The Rochdale Herald has learned.  A new-speakesperson from the newly formed...

E. Begum granted permission to return to Rochdale from that there Yorkshire

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E. Begum should be allowed to return to Rochdale to fight the decision to remove her rights to live on our side of the Pennines, the Court of Appeal has ruled. Ms Begum, now 20,...

Matt Hancock adds Straw Clutching to his cv as “transferable skill”

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Hot on the heels of Boris Johnson's success in the Stable Door Shutting championships, the Health Secratary, Matt Hancock has added Straw Clutching to his own cv as a transferable skill a source at...

Team GB to announce Stable Door Shutting as new olympic sport

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Team GB are set to announce that "Stable Door Shutting" will become an Olympic sport, The Rochdale Herald has learned. Following the UK government's announcement that perhaps it might not be a bad idea if...

Goveid-19 now ‘out of control’ in UK.

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A new, highly infectious virus - Goveid-19 - has reached pandemic proportions throughout the UK, an investigation by The Rochdale Herald has revealed. Goveid-19 was first detected during the Conservative Party leadership election campaign in...

Craft beer hand carbonated with bicycle pumps marks last throes of hipsterism.

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The cult of hipsterism which has seemingly infested the planet since forever appears to have finally reached its tipping point, The Rochdale Herald has found. The movement, in which participants strive to look like the...

Anger as Dominic Raab claims Hitler salute came from TV sitcom ‘Allo Allo!’

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Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab prompted fresh criticism today after claiming that the 'Hitler salute' frequently used by members of the far-right was 'just a bit of fun' that originated from the 1980's TV sitcom...

Nigel Farage leaves LBC for remake of Howards’ Way; Nigels’ Way

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Nigel Farage has left LBC and got a job on a new remake of Howards' Way called, Nigels' Way. Producer Bill Board told us, "Nigel plays Nigel, a man who has experienced 2 redundancies in...
Britain First

Far Right groups threaten to tear down statues of Prophet Mohammed

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Far right groups have pledged to tear down all statues of the Prophet Mohammed following the recent scoop in the Daily Express that the founder of Islam had owned slaves. Angry person on the internet...

Thousands come together for eye testing

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Thousands of people have come together in the name of ophthalmic health this weekend. Many even brought their own testing kits. One attendee told us, "It's great to see so many people out testing their...

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