Ryanair

Ryanair confirm passengers to fly planes from 2020

Troubled budget airline Ryanair today announced plans to ease their ongoing pilot strike issues by confirming they will now charge customers to fly their planes. With services still facing disruption, boss Michael O'Leary moved swiftly...

Daily Mail readers boycott RSPB after it helps Canadian Goose

Daily Mail readers have been cancelling their subscriptions to the RSPB following reports that it helped a Canadian Goose that fell into a river. One told us, "This is disgusting really. I've been...

Daily Mail readers cancel WWF donations after discovering pandas aren’t native to Britain

Daily Mail 'readers' have been cancelling donations to the World Wildlife Fund today after the newspaper revealed that it helps wildlife not native to Britain. Mail 'reader', theyarrestyouforbeingenglish1521 told us, "It's disgusting. There's...
Wetherspoons

Brexiteers to die of cirrhosis 20% sooner thanks to Wetherspoons

Price cuts on just before date-expired cask ale and fizzy lager mean that Wetherspoons customers will be able to drink themselves to death more rapidly. Chain owner and furious scarecrow Ian Wetherspoon said "I'm delighted...

Tommy Robinson converts to hipsterism in prison, plans to open falafel stand in Shoreditch

Far-right garden gnome impersonator Tommy Robinson has revealed that he has become a hipster in prison and plans to open an organic falafel stand in Shoreditch. Robinson, whose real name is Stephen Yaxley-Lennon,...

Yeah, well I didn’t want an election anyway, so ner, huffs ridiculous man child

The degradation of formerly Great Britain continued this week, with the news that Boris Johnson has again failed in his attempt to call a General Election he claims he does not want. "Look,...

Doctors desperately hoping Rees Mogg falls ill

Following Jacob Rees-Mogg's bullying tirade on a doctor who dared challenge his smug assertions on talk radio, many people have challenged the pusillanimous human cockroach to repeat his comments outside the house where he...
Houses of Parliament

Lib Dems table bill to give each Leave voter bendy banana and note saying...

MPs are meeting this afternoon to discuss vital legislation that could break the Brexit deadlock and potentially save the Government. A bill tabled by Jo Swinson, leader of the Liberal Democrats, is currently...

Loud booing interrupted by Boris Johnson speech

Millions of viewers who tuned into a BBC broadcast of tens of thousands of people booing and hissing at Downing Street today were left disappointed after the Prime Minister drowned out the...
Westminster

Unelected man demands unelected woman suspends elected parliament

As was inevitable, faced with the likelihood of action being taken through the mechanisms of the British sovereign parliament to avert a no-deal Brexit, the unelected Prime Minister has instructed the unelected monarch to...

Poldark overwhelming choice to lead Government of National Unity

Popular TV star, the dark, brooding and enigmatic Ross Poldark has emerged as the main contender to lead a Government of National Unity as soon as a vote of no confidence is passed in...
Macron & Johnson

Emmanuel Macron meets Boris Johnson to tell him to fuck off in person

Following a hectic fortnight of being booed in Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales and the children's ward in a Cornish Hospital, Prime Minister Boris Johnson today visited French President Emmanuel Macron. Ostensibly the meeting...
Houses of Parliament

Government reassures voters post-Brexit ration books will also be blue

The government has taken bold steps today to reassure the public after a leaked Whitechapel report detailed how the UK is likely to face food, medicine and fuel shortages after Brexit. Many experts...
Polar Bear

Aaron Banks eaten by polar bear forced to migrate to Cheshire by global warming

Reports are coming in that a man ironically mauled to death by a polar bear in Northwich town centre was prominent leave voter and climate change denier Aaron Banks. The attack comes only...
McDonald's

Mcdonalds to stop giving away assault rifles in Happy Meals in some US states

Four states in America have stopped giving away free assault rifles with every Happy Meal deal as a direct response to KFC banning knives in boxes of chicken in the UK. Denver West McDonald's Store...
UKIP

Dick Braine elected leader of Dicks for Brains

Mr Braine was the favoured dickhead ahead of his predecessor, Gerard Batten, who resigned after Dicks for Brains' poor performance in the European elections in May. The chairman of the party's West London...

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