After Ministers were forced to make a choice between opening schools in September or keeping pubs open, the government has decided to move classes into pubs.
This will have the advantage of adding parental supervision alongside teachers as they can all sit in the pub together and keep both schools and pubs open. “We have seen an opportunity to consolidate knowledge of the ‘three Rs’, reeling, rioting and retching…” said a ministerial drinks-person, “…while at the same time supporting the hospitality industry and increasing the amount of time children spend with quality role-models.”
Children would be taught to consume large quantities of alcohol, not to bother with social distancing and be given ’50 metre staggering certificates’ if they manage to walk that distance after 5 pints of strong lager.
‘A Levels’ will henceforth be known as ‘Alcohol Levels’ and will be examined by a breathalyser. A fail will mean a pass, and vice-versa.