Independent research at the Technical University of Rochdale has found that Michael Gove is more slippery than Teflon – and that a patent has been applied for which could revolutionise the development of a new generation of non-stick pans.

Rather than go to the expense and difficulty of sticking a non-stick coating to the inside of the pan, researchers have found that simply printing an image of Michael Gove onto the surface of the pan is even more effective. “Nothing sticks to it. He’s such a slimy two-faced weasel that getting him to adhere to basic human dignity is impossible, let alone such abstract concepts as truth and loyalty…” said Emeritus Professor Pritt-Stick, head of the department of adhesive research, adding “…he could fall face forward into a cess-pool and emerge whiter than white – although more work needs to be carried out on removing the smell.”

The Technical University of Rochdale Institute will benefit from the money raised from the patent, and invest the proceeds into research into turd polishing, something previously thought to be impossible, but now deemed to be feasible given the impact of the Gove research.

Further research is now also being carried out by Rochdale University’s Department of Applied Linguistics, who will attempt to answer the question, “…who put the Gove into Government?”

Once the answer is found, there may be consequences.