Sunday, December 16, 2018

Conservative Christmas Party cancelled after failing to negotiate piss up deal with brewery

There was despair throughout the Conservative Party today after government officials announced that the annual Christmas do has been cancelled. The news comes after many months of negotiations between Downing Street and Marston's Brewery collapsed...

Only 23 days to save historic Christmas Deal, warn turkeys

Turkeys have declared that today there are only 23 days to save their historic Christmas deal. They have warned that is vitally important that the stark choice between whether or not to use Bisto or...

Failed withdrawal expected to lead to painful Labour

Using the withdrawal method requires a high level of self-control.  Even then, the withdrawal method isn't especially effective. On the face of it (which is a method recommended in some films), the withdrawal method is...
Corbyn Elbow Patches

Jeremy Corbyn wins coveted Empty Suit award

Jeremy Corbyn has been awarded the prestigious Empty Suit award. The ceremony took place in London last night and as tradition dictates Mr Corbyn wasn't there to accept the award. Instead, a spokesperson said, "This rounds...
Gibraltar

Gibraltar dispute with Spain jeopardises Leave voters’ retirement plans

Come and have a go if you think your armada enough After nearly two years of complaining about the hard line EU negotiator Michel Barnier was taking, British diplomats and Jeremy Hunt have finally succeeded...

UKIP appoint woman who put that cat in wheelie bin as advisor on cat...

The collection of gammon faced halfwits known as the UK Independence party has appointed the internationally famous cat abuser Mary Bale as an advisor on cat welfare issues. Mary will advise Gerard whathisface, this week's...
Plate of Mince

Nadine Dorries replaced as MP for Mid Bedfordshire with nice plate of warm mince

Following her bizarre statement in which she decried the Brexit deal as leaving the U.K. with no MEPs and no representation on the EU Parliament, Mid Bedfordshire acted quicker than a dodgy sausage at...
Angry Man Shouting

Britain declares national state of Armagammon

An emergency committee has confirmed that Britain faces an unprecedented state of 'Armagammon' today. One insider told us, "This is the highest state we could be in. Now we've declared it some things will happen to...
Jeremy Corbyn

“We can’t stop Brexit without a strong opposition”, says old hippy who keeps forgetting...

Jeremy Corbyn has taken time out from his busy schedule of avoiding anybody not singing, "Oh, Jeremy Corbyn" to prove he's still alive and he is in fact the opposition. Mr Corbyn appeared after definitely...

Brexiteer speaks of shock at discovering Britain is an island

Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab has been speaking of his discovery that Britain is an island today. Speaking to the media Mr Raaab said, "People have been telling me how important the ports are for trade....
Pork Scratchings

Relief as far-right mob turns out to be burst bag of pork scratchings

Police have attended an incident in Rochdale today after numerous concerned calls reported a far-right mob assembled in the town centre. Attending officers would like to reassure the public that rigorous testing has found the...
Lego

Proposed Irish border solution scattered Lego bricks and sign saying ‘please remove shoes’

Brexit negotiations have hit a "a real problem" over the issue of the Irish border, government sources have confirmed today. Hopes of a breakthrough were raised today when Brexit secretary, Dominic Raab, announced that a...

Chequers agreement shreds itself

Michel Barnier has revealed that the sole copy of the latest version of the Chequers agreement shredded itself in his office yesterday. "I popped out for a couple of bottles of Merlot to have with...
Corbyn

Labour plans to make unions transfer power to workers

Large unions would be forced to transfer as much as 10 percent of their voting rights to workers under plans set out by the Labour Party on Monday Labour said that every union with more...
Corbyn

Sacha Baron-Cohen amazed no one has seen through his Jeremy Corbyn character

Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character 'Jeremy Corbyn'. "I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to...
Hang the Tories

Corbyn sharing platform with people he disagreed with to create peace, says man in...

A man who is wearing a t-shirt that reads "Hang the Tories" is insisting that Jeremy Corbyn is an example to everybody for his willingness to share a platform with people he disagrees with...

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