Monday, August 20, 2018

Theresa May: Donald Trump told me to grab EU by the pussy

Donald Trump told Theresa May that she should "grab the EU by the pussy" rather than ask for its consent, according to an interview aired on the BBC this morning.  Speaking on the Andrew Marr...
Christmas Morning

Only two prime ministers till Christmas

Children around the UK were feeling giddy this morning after learning that it's now officially on two prime ministers until Christmas morning. "I can almost taste the presents." Carly McPhee, seven, told The Rochdale Herald....
Rats

Rats accuse Boris Johnson and David Davis of Cultural Appropriation

Yesterday following a heated meeting over Brexit David Davis and Boris Johnson resigned from their positions as Minister for Brexit and Foreign Secretary respectively. The quick succession of resignations from the Conservative cabinet has caused...
Boris the Clown

Boris resigns to spend more time in storm drain beckoning to children

Boris Johnson has resigned from his position as foreign secretary today, and has returned to his natural role as a malevolent entity which preys upon the children of the Uxbridge and Ruislip, by beckoning...

Michael Gove is somebody’s favourite for something

Michael Gove's mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody's favourite, including her's, for the first time in his life. The news comes after the announcement that David...

Having cake and eating it disappointment intensifies

A group of Rochdale toddlers are stamping their feet and crying after they were told that they cannot have their cake and eat it. The scenes were recorded at 3 year old Cliff Edge's birthday...

Jeremy Corbyn found alive and well and working in B&Q

Jeremy Corbyn has been found alive and well and working in a branch of B&Q. The DIY store is well known for its positive policies of employing older workers but it still came as...

Nigel Farage’s reveals apocalyptic Brexit plan involves moving to Germany

Nigel Farage MP (just kidding) has revealed a Brexit Armageddon plan that involves him relocating to Germany. It's understood that should Britain exit the EU without a deal then KFC could run out of...
Rees Mogg

Jacob Rees-Mogg frustrated by number of GDPR messenger pigeons arriving at his dovecot

Conservative politician Jacob Rees-Mogg is said to have been left "apoplectic" earlier today after receiving several hundred carrier pigeon messages informing him of the impending changes to data protection legislation. The MP for North East...
Foodbank

Tories target youth vote by giving food bank users under 30 free Wham Bars

The Conservatives hope to boost the number of young people applying for party membership by offering them a free Wham Bar every time they visit their local food bank, according to a new proposal. The...

City of Brighton & Hove to be shortened by 1 metre after Brexit

Residents of Brighton & Hove were shocked to discover plans to shorten their city by 1 metre along it's East/West axis following Brexit. In 1972, the then Home Secretary Reginald Maudling ordered that the Sussex...
Nigel Farage

Nigel Farage’s shadow finally gives up and leaves him

As sick of him as the rest of the world. Nigel Farage's Shadow packs its bags and leaves the prick.  After a lifetime together Nigel Farage and his shadow are splitting up. Farage's shadow was...
Boris Johnson

Asda Self-service checkout till beats Boris Johnson at Scrabble

Scientists from Rochdale College have developed an artificially intelligent self service till that beat Boris Johnson at Scrabble.  Dr Frederick Seddon said, "We were wanting to make this breakthrough because we thought it would relieve...
Theresa May

Theresa May thrilled that Russia thinks she’s competent enough to stage poisoning

Bill Board, spokesman for the Government, has told The Rochdale Herald that Theresa May is privately thrilled that the Russian Government has accused her Government of staging the Salisbury poisoning. Mr Board explained, "Theresa was...

Home Office confirms that new blue UK passports will be HALAL-CERTIFIED

The Home Office has confirmed that the United Kingdom's post-Brexit passport covers will be halal-certified. The iconic Royal blue cover, which is due to be reintroduced in March 2019, is seen by many Brexit campaigners...
Blue Passport

Passports to be made in France as British firm De La Rue ruled out...

Home Office confirms Franco-Dutch firm Gemalto will make Bleu passports. Controversy struck the UK this week after a mix up at the Home Office led to British firm De La Rue losing out on the...

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