Finally, after what feels like years of writing about this car crash of a government you NHS applauding, social distance ignoring flag shaggers voted in, we have something positive to report about the PM. Boris Johnson has tested positive.
Despite consistently washing his hands of all responsibility, the Prime Minister reported that, as a rich and important person, he has had a test, and unfortunately it was positive. He is not thought to have caught it from his aides.
Mr Johnson has long advocated working from home, having financially supported a number of home workers over the years, including from public funds. It is unclear which home workers the Prime Minister has exposed himself too recently, so anyone who has pretended to come whilst in contact with him is advised to self-isolate.
There is some speculation though over whether Boris has indeed been infected. We understand that despite maintaining a vigorous holiday regimen and adhering to the concept of weekends, the recent crisis has left the Prime Minister deeply envious of the Leader of the Opposition, who has continued to potter about doing fuck all.
Fitting in enough time around government commitments to replay The Last of Us, whilst creating an all too realistic real life scenario for its sequel, has been a challenge for Boris, despite the free time saved by getting rid of the cute dog he had as an obvious election prop. And there’s no prospect of another holiday any time soon.
Announcing a positive test should now allow the PM to remove himself from the day to day tedium of actually doing his job. He is expected to continue to sit in his pyjamas spaffing a few ill-considered words up against a wall for the Telegraph, in between bouts of wanking.
It’s probably made us all a bit more likely to get through this, so let’s leave him be.