In a paper published in the journal Science this week scientists led by, Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College have said they’ve observed Burnley residents using basic tools, communicating in grunts and solving simple problems.

Professor Seddon told us, “This research is a huge step. What was once written off as a primordial and backwards area of the Earth has been shown to have animals that are more advanced than we initially thought.”

Seddon went on, “We observed one group attempting to push a ball through different sized holes. Initially they were flummoxed but after a few months they were able to complete the task.”

Elsewhere Professor Seddon told us, “Their grunts seem simple to us but for residents of Burnley being able to communicate, even in such a primitive way is a huge step. Different grunts clearly meant different things. There were even 40 different grunts that seemed to mean residents should throw faeces at each other.”

And one touching detail was observed. “We were able to observe a group drinking fermented gooseberries and having a fight. It was just like the Vervet monkey.”

It’s hoped that Professor Seddon will now get more funding to research the behaviour of Burnley residents.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.