Brain eating microbes in the water supply in Lake Jackson Texas have been found either starved to death or suffering from extreme malnutrition. 

Tests have confirmed the presence of the amoeba Naegleria fowleri in the system. The amoeba can cause an infection of the brain, but given the absolute absence of brains in many parts of Texas many amoeba have been struggling to surive.

Brains are rare in the Texas, with fewer than 34 reported between 2009 and 2018. 

“We got lost and somehow found ourselves in Trump country.” A formerly deadly brain eating bacterium told the Rochdale Herald.

“It has been a deadly mistake. There is literally nothing to eat down here at all. Colleagues who have managed to get into the food chain have been really struggling.”

Eight amoeba communities were originally told on Friday night not to enter the water supply for any reason.

“There’s 27,000 people living in Lake Jackson, you’d have thought there’d be something to eat here. Since Trump got elected it’s been getting harder to rustle up a snack.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.