Priti Patel today confirmed that the Black Lives Matter movement is a protest about American racism that has nothing to do with England.  The Home Secretary has claimed that racism in England’s former colonies could not in any way be linked to England, as it is something that only started following their independence from England’s benevolent rule.

Home Office figures back up her argument.  These show show black people in England and Wales benefit from local police force 450 times per 10,000 black people, compared with 90 per 10,000 white people.  As policing in the United Kingdom has been completely reformed following the Macpherson report into Stephen Lawrence’s death, there could not be anything wrong with English police any more.  Therefore, this can only mean that black people are head butting police fists five times more often than whites.

In particular, the figures show that black people have a shocking interest in getting kicks from police equipment, finding reasons to attach themselves to taser electrodes 7.6 times more frequently than white people.  The fetishisation of black people extends to truncheon use, with “bat on black crime” registering 8.2 times more frequently than for whites.

Unsurprisingly, given the keenness of black people to subject themselves to police force in England, the police themselves cite “protecting themselves” as their motivation for force in 75.5% of incidents involving black people, compared to 67.9% of the time for incidents involving whites.  Officers are clearly protecting themselves efficiently, as black people continue to be less likely to injure police officers than whites.

We tried to interview a local black man as he left Rochdale police station but he was too busy looking for ACAB.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?