Only one more sleep until Dads start Christmas shopping

Dads are said to be giddy with excitement at the news that it's only one more sleep until they can start their Christmas shopping. Dads around the country are thought to be considering thinking about...
Die Hard 2

Gatwick drone operators arrested after shootout at abandoned church and ski-doo chase across frozen...

A team of former special-forces mercenaries have been arrested in connection with the criminal use of drones which has caused the widespread disruption to flights at Gatwick airport, police have told The Rochdale Herald. In...

Christmas ruined as Santa fails CRB check

Christmas may be cancelled as Santa has failed to get his CRB check renewed. The revelation came last night when a Government Spokesperson said, "Santa didn't get his CRB check in in time. He submitted...
Millionaire

Reader competition, win an exclusive aerial photograph of Gatwick Airport

The Rochdale Herald is offering readers the chance of winning one of 25 high quality aerial photographs of Gatwick Airport. Gatwick Airport is one of the premier attractions in the UK. It's a favourite attraction...
Sajid Javid

Sajid Javid accidentally deports himself to Pakistan

Sajid Javid has accidentally deported himself to Pakistan. A Home Office spokesman said, "Mr Javid has said that a hard Brexit is a good thing as it means a more robust immigration policy can be...

Jeremy Corbyn in Right Wing Political Correctness Storm

The political right, bigots, misogynists, anti-feminists and liars across the country united yesterday, to fully embrace political correctness, after the opposition leader was accused of calling a stupid woman a "stupid woman". It is unclear...
Theresa May

Theresa May accused of muttering in parliament “fuck em, let em starve”

Theresa May was accused of muttering the words "fuck em, let em starve" in parliament on Wednesday. May appeared to mutter the words during a debate in the Commons about whether or not orphaned children...

Queen’s Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu

There are rumours today that the Queen's Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu. A furious Palace insider told us, "It's completely ridiculous. I've heard the Queen isn't happy about it but the Government...
Stevenage

Slums angered after being compared to Stevenage by Lewis Hamilton

Lewis Hamilton has upset slums all over the world by comparing them to Stevenage. The five-time Formula 1 world champion made the faux pas while on stage losing the BBC Sports Personality of the Year...

Home Worker facing HR disciplinary hearing after sexually assaulting himself at work Christmas Party

A home worker from Rochdale is facing a disciplinary hearing today after he allegedly sexually assaulted himself after getting drunk at his office Christmas "party". Stan Still, who works for a civil engineering company told...

Satire Aid has bought 3,500 presents worth more than £31,000!

A quick Satire Aid update for you. The amazing readers of The Rochdale Herald, NewsThump, Tuckered, U Ok Hun and Angry People in Local Newspapers have now bought more than £31,000 worth of Christmas...
Heating on

Northern Dad puts heating on

Confirmed reports are in that a Northern Dad in Lancashire has put the central heating on. Airports throughout the UK have been closed, all trains have been cancelled and the army has been put on...
Rees Mogg

You lost get over it, Jacob Rees-Mogg told

Jacob Rees-Mogg has been told to get over losing the no confidence vote in Theresa May last night. Mr Rees-Mogg heads the European Research Group which is to European research what Andrew Wakefield is to...

Passengers of runaway train have pointless argument over who should pretend they’re driving

May means May Passengers on the 11:12 Eurostar return to Britain have had a pointless argument over who is driving.  The train, which is rapidly descending below the sea, has not had anyone in control...
Sad Child

Facebook ruining Christmas for kids in poverty

Facebook in their infinite wisdom have smashed the holy hell out of the reach of comedy pages likes ours, NewsThump, Tuckered and SNN. Apparently they don't like satire very much and think you shouldn't be...

Man kills woman

A woman has been killed by a man, make sure you use passive voice, the article is going to be about the woman This article is for the use of tabloid writers when a woman...

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