Austrian incest enthusiast, Josef Fritzl has been awarded a Knighthood in the New Years honours list. The list, released today recognises a range of people from a wide range of areas across Britain. 

One insider told us, “There will be some controversy with this one as Mr Fritzl is Austrian not British. But when you see some of the people we award this to you’ll realise it’s pretty consistent.”

Mr Fritzl was put forward for the award by the building industry standards body, Checkatrade. A spokesman for them said, “We thought Mr Fritzl was deserving of recognition for services to the building industry. It’s not controversial and you all should stop being snowflakes.”

Elsewhere in the Honours List Ben Stokes has been recognised by the security industry for his services to CCTV with Heinrich Himmler and Vladimir Putin being awarded for services to the Government.

A Government spokesman said, “Both Heinrich and Mr Putin are deserving of recognition. It’s absolutely nothing to do with their promises to help get controversial bills through Parliament. This has nothing to do with our plan to bring back mobile gas chambers for the disabled which some snowflakes that hate Britain would oppose.”

In other areas, British Army veteran Bill Board is awarded an MBE for his services to killing brown people. A spokesman told us, “Nothing epitomises the British Army’s ethos of killing unarmed civilians quite as much as Bill’s actions when he machine gunned a village in Iraq. This honour is throughly deserved.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.