Sunday, December 16, 2018

Nothing says f*** you to a neighbour like a Leilandii hedge

Scientists at Rochdale College have discovered that nothing gets the message that you hate them across to your neighbour's more than a Leilandii hedge. Dr Frederick Seddon told us, "We looked at various means that...

Vegans to save UK billion man hours in tedious conversations by wearing hats saying...

There is widespread jubilation amongst business leaders around the UK after bold plans to save a billion working man hours a week have been announced by the Institute of Vegans.

Northerner brings Kraft Slices to cheese and wine party in Surrey

A disgraced Northerner has been barred from ever returning to the South, after he humiliated his sister at a bourgeoisie Cheese & Wine evening by bringing Kraft Slices as his artisanal choice. Northerner Gerry Ramsbuttocks...

‘Research confirms Coffee holds key to immortality’

There was good news for caffeine drinkers, addicts & nervous twitchers throughout the multiverse today, as stunning new research sensationally revealed that coffee holds the key to everlasting life. The benefits of coffee have long...

Some like it…NOT! Monroe fan’s £8k new look more like man’s best friend than...

French waiter Cyril Roux is a HUGE Marilyn Monroe fan. 'I guess you could say I'm addicted to injections,' mumbles Cyril Roux, a 32-year-old waiter from Toulon, through swollen lips that closely resemble a haemorrhoid...

Herald life hacks: Get rich quick with… an inheritance

Experts say this is the best way to get ahead in life It's January, which means you likely have nothing but mince pie dust in your pockets after buying your loved ones everything they didn't...
British Homeopath

Herald lifestyle guides – How to be a New Hippy

Want to be a 21st century Hippie or is it Hippy? Do you remember the days when everything was far out, and the man was just a drag? Daylight hours where spent in bed underneath...

Couple spend entire evening on Netflix before deciding what film to watch at 1am

Johnny and Mary (not real names) are just your average suburban dwelling couple who work hard on the weekdays and like to relax in front of the telly watching a nice film. Sounds all...

Rochdale Herald guide to the top ten books to read before you die

At the Rochdale Herald it's all about mindfulness and self improvement in January. In that spirit, we take a look at 10 books you should read before you die: 1) Razzle, April, 1988, Snooker Loopy Edition. This...

Scientists confirm autocorrect was inverted by a cult

A group of scientists have today confirmed what we have all long believed, that autocorrect was inverted by a cult. Professor Gerald Wiley spoke to the Rochdale Herald about the results. "The number of epic fools...

Trump to produce new range of fragrances

Donald Trump is to collaborate with daughter Ivanka to produce a new range of perfumes. The first daughter said "This new range reflects the important things in my father's life and reflect his...

Man dies of boredom after chance meeting with vegan who does CrossFit

A Rochdale man has died after being placed near a group of Gym buddies at a Christmas party. Horace Cope was rushed to hospital after a chance meeting with Jim Nasium, a noted Vegan nutritionist...

Brainless moron shaves 30 seconds off his drive home by doing 70 through the...

One dickhead has been telling the Herald about how he has found a way to shave 30 seconds off the time it takes him to drive home. Brainless moron Ted Skeat said, "I first realised...

Getting drunk and falling over is the real meaning of Christmas, says everyone

Heavy drinking from breakfast till unconsciousness has won the top spot in a national survey to discover what makes Christmas so special for the British public. Narrowly beating 'Two days off work' and 'Getting an...

Posh twit in gilet loses both arms to frostbite

Henry Charles Chomlomoly has been telling us how he's lost both his arms whilst out sledging. Harry told us, "Cripes, got up this morning and it was a white out so the kids wanted to...

“Family friendly” pubs to ban single men at weekends

Pubs that describe themselves as family friendly say they intend to ban single men from their premises at weekends. Parent Cindy "Everyone's a pedo" Maguire said, "Last week we went to the pub with the...

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