A Rochdale man has told us how he has revised plans to do dry January and will now be doing reduced drinking January instead.

Bill Board spent New Years Eve loudly telling friends and family that anoth drop of alcohol would not pass his lips until February 1st 2019. He revised his plans this weekend to seeking a reduction in drinking from George Best levels to Gazza or even Wayne Rooney levels of alcohol intake.

Bill told us, “I went out Friday night with the intention of not drinking at all. But 10 minutes in the pub and I realised that that needed to be drasticallychanged. Have you ever been to the pub sober? After 10 minutes I realised I had nothing in common with my friends and that my entire interest in football is actually a front for an all consuming passion for getting slaughtered. Then, on Saturday night my wife suggested watching a film. Usually I’d have necked a complete bottle of wine before it started and be onto the Malt by the first 30 minutes. The whole thing plunged me into an existential crisis. I mean, is this all there is to life? Watching films? It’sjust a big nothing. I’d achieved nothing throughout it. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow is anyone going to care that I’d wached The Revenant?”

Bill’s friend, Stan told us, “He does this every year. He told me he was going to eat healthier the other day whilst tucking into some salmon and pasta that he’d poured 2 litres of double cream on. He’ll be back on the weed and coke next week.”

It’s understood that Bill will now go put and buy 400 quids worth of trainers before revising his plan to run the London Marathon to just walking to the shop to buy a paper.

Stan told us, “To be honest with you. Reduced drinking January will be quite a feat of endurance. We normally have a snifter at about 11am.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.