Research has found that the average bloke considering buying his wife lingerie this Christmas should probably not.

“For a start, most blokes buy scarlet nylon things that no woman who already has a bloke would dream of wearing.” said Undergarment Studies lecturer at the University of Pants, Brabra Frenchnicher.

“Then there’s the size.  They will get it wrong, guaranteed, and there is no ‘right way’ to get it wrong. Too small, too large – either is fraught with horrendous danger.  And a recent survey showed 85 per cent of Anne Summers assistants will throat punch the next bloke who tries to demonstrate his loved one’s breast size via a graspy squeezing gesture and/or the reply ‘I dunno, a good handful….’ ”

“I’d suggest that in virtually every case, these men would be better off choosing something practical and useful like a dildo.”

“I mean, they’re almost certainly getting a pair of slippers in return.”