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Sebastian Wiesel

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Governor of Puerto Rico seeks Theresa May’s advice on how to rule an island...

The Governor of Puerto Rico, Jorge Aliouet sent an urgent appeal to Prime Minotaur Theresa May tonight. The island of Puerto Rico has been devastated...
Kim Jong-un

Russia and China back UN call for Kim Jong Un to be sent to...

The UN has finally received the backing of both Mummy and Daddy as Russia and China backed the call for serious punishment to be...
Neymar

‘I moved for new challenges’ says footballer now on three quarters of a million...

Brazilian bladder-hoofer Naymar Davis Junior today explained his reasons for his £200 million move from Europe's most technically skilled, most competitive national football league...
Cricket

Man with double-barrelled surname good at cricket.

MCC members expressed their delight yesterday that at long last someone with a proper surname was good at cricket. "It's a shame young Toby Roland-Jones...
Michael Gove

Michael Gove is handsome and intelligent according to new YouGove poll.

A new poll by Britain's newest survey company has revealed that Michael Gove is both handsome and intelligent. The new company, YouGove, polls members of...
Old Graduate

University of Life under Ofsted investigation after turning out complete fucking idiots

Chief Ofsted inspector Mark Teachers announced today he would be launching a special investigation into the University of Life, based in Thanet. A lower-level investigation...
Man Washing Machine

Southern Rail whistleblower reveals driving a train ‘piece of piss’ compared to programming washer-dryer.

Following the furore over Philip Hammond's comments over female train drivers, The Rochdale Herald has been contacted by an employee of Southern Rail who...
Philip Hammond

Fresh sexism row after Hammond overheard telling Theresa May not to ‘worry her pretty...

Philip Hammond was today facing another storm over his casual sexism as it was revealed that his response to the Prime Minister's concerns over...

‘My dour Scots personality is actually a total fanny magnet’ claims Andy Murray

Racquetball superstar Andy Murray today spoke of how his charisma-free personality brings all the girls to his yard. Murray, whose public speaking manner is so...

Lukaku leaves second best club in Liverpool for second best club in Manchester

Lukaku is thought to be worth approximately 50m but has signed for United with an additional premium unofficially known as the 'United surcharge'. Lukaku's...
Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney moves from second best team in Manchester to second best team in...

Thatched-roofed footballer Wayne Rooney was yesterday given away by the second best team in Manchester to the second best team in Liverpool. He moves...
Tree lined street

Sheffield City Council issues injunction against Councillor for doing councillory things.

In the increasing farrago that surrounds Sheffield City Council's efforts to denude the streets of lush, green, oxygen-providing, shade-giving trees - in the quest...

Radiohead Gig Attracts Record Number Of Twats

Research has shown that the Old Trafford gig on July 4th by Radiohead attracted more wankers than any previous gig. It is estimated that,...

Yorkshire Tree Felling Firm Employing Bouncers To Manage Protesters

It has been confirmed by the company tasked with removing as many street trees from the streets of Sheffield as possible that bouncers have...
Court

Ginsters Sue Ginsters over Ginsters Name

It has emerged that pastry-based, snack purveyors Ginsters have taken to the courts. They aim to prevent a social movement off-shoot from adopting their...

People Telling Me I Shouldn’t Have Told Schoolgirl To F*ck Off Can F*ck Off...

The Conservative MP for Wells, James 'Compost' Heappey got all sweary when visiting the massively overpriced Millfield Academy for Young Toffs and Toffettes.  A Scottish...

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