Boris Johnson committed himself to leading Britain into ‘a new chapter’ yesterday. Downing Street sources revealed that the chapter referred to by the tousled Muppet Prime Minister will be Chapter 6 of the Revelations of St John.
Johnson has pledged to personally cut the first six of the Seven Seals which he claims are ‘holding Britain back’. with immediate effect. The first four seals reveal the new cabinet, the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse.
BBC political minion Lauren Duessenberg said “It’s a bold move and the most radical reshuffle ever. War will take over the Foreign Office and Civil Unrest Contingency planning. Famine will oversee Defra and post-Brexit trade.
Pestilence will get the Department of Health and the DoE; while Death is pretty much a straight swap for Iain Duncan Smith.” The cutting of the fifth seal will see the tormented souls of the martyrs appear screaming for vengeance. This is thought to be a reference to the ERG.
Government policy is to give them white robes, and a leaked document indicates a pointy hood with eye slits as the likely design. When the Prime Minister slices through the sixth seal (to be marked by a commemorative 50p piece), Britain is likely to experience a great earthquake wherein, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg ‘the sun becomes as black as the sackcloth of hair, and the moon like blood’.
This will be followed by the sky receding like a scroll rolling up, every mountain moving out of place and the people retreating to caves in the mountains. This means Scotland will be largely unaffected.
Johnson said “Obviously there will be some short term sacrifices to be made and the survivors of the apocalypse may well cry out for the mountains to fall on them to spare them from my wrath. But let’s face it, what everyone wants is just to get the Apocalypse done.”
