A Rochdale resident has discovered the existence of an NHS Test and Trace Centre on the surface of Venus. Scientists believe that the existence of such a centre to be linked to emissions observed in the atmosphere of Venus that could indicate the existence of life on the planet.

Bill Board told us, “My son was sent home from School on Tuesday with a cough that was persistent. I went on the Test and Trace site to get a test otherwise he’d have to self isolate for 2 weeks. Anyway, the nearest test centre is on the surface of Venus. We now need to travel about 42 million Kilometres to get there then back again. I’ve packed the car up but it’s going to take a while. Plus, if it gets added to the UK quarantine list whilst we’re there then we’ll have to self isolate for 2 weeks when we get back. It’ll be worth it though, I’m taking up grouse shooting on Saturday.”

A worker at the Venusian Test Centre told us, “The Government keep saying we’ve got loads of capacity and it’s true. There 25 Test Centre’s up here. Nobody ever comes here either. We have to send the lab samples to Mercury but that’s not too bad.”

And it’s not just Covid-19 tests that are being performed. An eye witness for the Herald told us Dominic Cummings was see testing his eyesight out in a Renault Espace near the surface of Venus 2 days ago. The Government and Mr Cummings deny these allegations.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.