Pet cats have announced that they’re ramping up their efforts to find a cure for Coronavirus as many find they’re now forced to spend entire days with their humans.

Cat, Bill Board told us, “It’s been hell this week and it’s only Monday. I got up this morning looking forward to another 11 hours sprawled out in front of the radiator and they just wouldn’t leave. I figured it would be temporary but I’ve spoken to Jeff down the street and he’s finding the same thing. His humans have been in every day for the last week. Even bringing a stunned but still breathing rat and leaving it in the kitchen didn’t work.”

Stan Still, a Tabby told us, “How am I supposed to take a dump in someone’s shoes now? They’re always here; I wish they’d get lost. They’re interfering with my valuable staring at the wall time. It’s got to stop so I’ve been learning advanced physics this week and I’m booked on a glass working course next week so I can build my own mricroscope.”

Orla Board, a Manx cat told us, “Anyone would think they owned the place the way they’ve been going on. She just sits around all day on the computer occasionally working and I’m sure I caught him masturbating to Japanese porn 5 times this morning. I’ve tried walking on the computer key board that normally gets them to go away to a different room. But no such luck. They even spent Sunday moving the furniture around. I’d finally scratched the perfect groove into that settee.”

New emergency measures announced today have meant cats will only be entitled to 19hours sleep a day as the crisis deepens.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.