The Government have announced that gatherings of more than 6 people are to be banned. But what do you do if your “Company AGM” is raided by the fuzz? Here’s our top tips if you find yourself confronted by the local constabulary.

1) Everyone is working from home now so tell the police that it isn’t a social gathering but an AGM and these people are your shareholders. They’ll have to let you go as you’re contributing to the economy that pays their wages.

2) Turn your house into a Pret a Manger or Costa. The Government are really worried that these companies might go the way of Gaz lamp lighters. So if the fuzz do turn up just say you’re running a coffee shop and sell them a £12 sandwich.

3) If you can’t be bothered with the above just get a chip and pin machine. These confer immunity to all viruses as evidenced by Government policy.

4) Turn your house into a school. The fuzz can’t even tell you that you can’t be a school as everyone has 6 months experience of teaching now. In addition, get your kids to start rioting and tell the fuzz you’re demonstrating the second law of thermodynamics.

5) Tell the police it’s not a social gathering at all and you’re all going for a drive to test your eyesight out. Barnard Castle is nice this time of year.

6) Sod all of the above as you’re just breaking the law in a very small and defined way. This is now Government policy and carries the added bonus that the police can’t also question you about your garden furniture you bought from a bloke in a pub, the white powder on the table or the remains of that person you have under your patio.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.