EFL admits to buying its footballs from a petrol station on Rochdale

The English Football League has admitted buying its footballs from Denny’s Auto Diesel & Spar Mini-Mart on the Bury New Road in Rochdale.The balls, nicknamed the Penny Swerver by posh kids from Sutton...

House of Commons to close for week to hold UK Cat Herding Championships

Following months of political turmoil in the UK and the shining example of incompetence that is the brexit negotiations, the political landscape is now undergoing further stress following an annoucement exclusively revealed to The...

Newcastle United fans looking forward to renewed access to match pies and beer

The Toon Army are rejoicing following the news that Sports Direct Entrepreneur Sweat Shop owner, Mike Ashley, is to sell the Magpies.Realising that he is losing money hand-over-fist due to being unable get any...

Norway’s female football team found in cocaine-fuelled strip club romp

Just hours after the Norwegian football association ruled that female footballer's pay must be brought in line with that of the men's, the entire Norwegian national women's squad has been discovered in a debauched...
Donald Trump

Moron says something moronic

A moron has uttered a statement that is totally devoid of intelligence, it has emerged.The exact words used in this situation concerned a football qualifier for the FIFA world cup - a match...

Spanish bullfighters win inaugural Animal Cruelty World Cup

Spain’s bullfighters have won the inaugural Animal Cruelty World Cup in Brazil, narrowly beating the foxhunters of England in the final.The competition, in which teams from different countries competed to inflict the maximum...

Ben Stokes argues fighting in street a necessary part of training to tour Australia.

All-rounder and England vice-captain Ben Stokes may have put his part in England's ashes tour in jeopardy following his arrest in the early hours of Wednesday morning having been involved in a street brawl...

Private school fury as ‘dirty pints’ banned for 16 year old rugby players

Plans to ban the enforced necking of dirty pints for under 16s rugby players have been widely criticised.The ruling by HSE is thought to have followed on from the proposed banning of...

Costa kicks Conte into touch

Former Chelsea Striker Diego Costa says he did not want to leave the club on bad terms, after being dragged kicking and screaming from a burning effigy of Antonio Conte at the Chelsea training...

Big penis denies any link to Romelu Lukaku

A big penis has spoken out today to deny any attachment to Manchester United striker Romelu Lukaku.Speaking to reporters outside his home address, the massive cock sought to distance himself from non-white people in...
Football Riot

Belgian football riot shows EU is hungry for UK exports says Liam Fox

A football riot at a Belgian football match between Anderlecht and Club Brugge demonstrates the hunger for British exports according to Liam Fox.In a statement Fox said, "So many people want to do our...
Arsene Wenger

Wenger at Wits end as he cannot figure out how to get sack from...

Arsene Wenger was left frustrated after the end of a tumultuous week. A 4–0 defeat to Liverpool was followed by a disappointing end to the summer transfer window.However, in a news conference held...
Wayne Rooney

Rooney arrested crying into bottle of 20/20 wearing Man Utd pyjamas

My night of 20/20, Man Utd pyjamas and Steradent with mysterious brunette. Everton striker Wayne Rooney has been charged with drink-driving offences in the early hours of Friday morning, Cheshire Police have confirmed.Reports of...
Christiano Ronaldo

Just £300,000 a month can feed a footballer for a whole week. Please give...

It can be harrowing, truly tragic to see, to see a young, athletic, talented man to have to survive in squalid conditions, living on less than you paid for your house.That is why we...

Token female cycling club member thrilled to have been described as attractive

A magazine feature by Cycling Weekly on the Hinckley Cycle Racing Club from Leicestershire was lambasted today after going to print with the caption ‘Token attractive woman’ on a photograph of a female club...
Police Car

Police called after black man beats the snot out of white guy live on...

Police were called to an address in Las Vegas earlier this morning after reports of a white man beaten senseless in an organised fight.In this "boxing match", Floyd Mayweather, a black man known...

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