There is widespread shock around England today after the English voting public voted 52% to 48% for the England football team to leave the World Cup despite making it into the semi-finals.

Following the vote the England team will be travelling home from Russia on Tuesday and not playing Croatia on Wednesday, because clearly it would be undemocratic to do so.

“The will of the people needs to be listened to regardless of how boneheaded the people are.” A spokesman for the FA told The Rochdale Herald.

“There’s a reasonable chance that England could have won a game of kick a ball against Croatia. But that’s just the way it goes.”

“I know some people will be disappointed that England won’t be playing on Wednesday but there is literally NOTHING that can be done.”

“Some have suggested that we could have another vote to give people the opportunity to change their minds, I mean come on. England are unlikely to have this opportunity again. But that’s just crazy talk.”

“The 48% of the population who are really into football will just have to suck it up, it’s for the best really. The people have spoken, well sort of.”

Obviously people who don’t really like football are thrilled about the decision.

“Football is rubbish.” Said one Leave voter. “The World Cup costs us a fortune in smashed up ambulances and vandalised beer gardens. And that’s when we’re winning. I reckon it costs about 350 million to fix all those picnic tables, we should put that money into the NHS instead.”


Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.