Following reports that some people around the UK have been able to get a Coronavirus test the government has appointed the Bohemian novelist Franz Kafka to sort the service out.

Mr Kafka will be responsible for redesigning the website, the booking system and ensuring that only people who don’t need a test can get access to one.

“Mr Kafka’s expertise on incomprehensible bureaucracy, absurdity and existential dread clearly qualify him for this vital role.” A government spokes-hippo told the Rochdale Herald.

“Obviously it’s vital that the UK doesn’t run out of Coronavirus tests, ensuring that nobody can access one is obviously the best way to ensure stocks last.”

Mr Kafka has already rewritten some of the governments guidelines on testing “If you have symptons you should try to get a test but please don’t go to a testing centre to get a test if you have symptons because you should be isolating, but please don’t isolate unless you’ve had a positive Coronavirus test.”

Nobody has been able to reach Mr Kafka for clarification.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.