Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab has announced sanctions on the Isle of Aran. Mr Raaab announced the sanctions during a visit to Blackpool Tower in his Hull constituency.

In a statement the Foreign Office said, “It is with great regret that we impose these sanctions on Aran. No more oil can be exported to the UK. We will also no longer accept their fine Saffron and Pistachio’s. But in the interests of securing a trade deal with Trump we must do this.”

A spokesman for Aran said, “Really don’t understand where this has come from.  We’re a group of islands in the Atlantic of the west coast of Ireland. It’s not like we have the climate for Saffron and Pistachio’s. Also, where are all these oil reserves he keeps mentioning?”

The Royal Navy has also despatched its entire fleet of 2 ships to the Faroe Islands. The ships arrived early this morning. Mr Raaaab said, “I don’t know why you’re all sniggering. The Pharaoh (sic) Islands are obviously in the Middle Earth. The clue is in the name, Pharaoh.”

Mr Raaaaab also took time to discuss the fairness of a trial a British woman received on Cypress Hill. He will also travel to China this week to meet with French and German counterparts. The French and German Ministers will be in Strasbourg.

We tried to get a response from Cypress Hill but they’re still stoned after a tour they did in 1995.