Man in rain

Northerner goes full day without talking about the weather

Storm Eleanor has battered the United Kingdom with wind of up to 100 miles power hour, damaging property, trees and causing storm risk warnings to go to orange and red.However a northern man...
Meghan and Harry

Aggressive beggars to marry in Windsor Castle in May

People across the country have been delighted by the recent news that one of the UK's sponsored panhandlers has decided to let a wealthy, successful actress share his state benefits by marrying her at...
Irn Bru

Street prices hits £2 a hit in Glasgow as addicts stockpile Irn Bru

Street pushers in Glasgow have been demanding up to £2 for a hit of Irn Bru as addicts have started stockpiling ahead of a planned change in recipe.Irn Bru, widely regarded by many as...

Storm Eleanor wreaks havoc after gate left open on wind farm

Met Office issues "risk to life" warnings with wind speeds over 80mph expected overnight.It has been revealed that Storm Eleanor, the latest storm to rock the British Isles, started when someone left a gate...
Gym

Gyms too fucking busy, confirm everybody

Britain's gyms are in a state of absolute chaos as billions of people descended on them today. It was standing room only in every single gym in the country with many people experiencing queues of...
Clubbing

Couple looking forward to annual tedious night out, in dreadful nightclub with hideous people

A middle aged Rochdale couple are reportedly giddy with excitement about their annual tedious night out in a horrible club with hideous people  tonight.Barbara and Steve Dickinson have decided once again to go to...
Michael Gove

Michael Gove to celebrate New Year’s Eve with simple meal of live mice and...

Michael Gove has confirmed that he will be spending New Year Eve at home for quiet night in with his eggs.The environment secretary has told The Rochdale Herald that he is planning on eating...

Man has bought a really big telly and wants to tell you about it

A man has bought a rather large and very expensive television today.It apparently takes up quite a significant part of his living room and is "almost as big as his cock, lol." as he...
Rees Mogg Farage

Being a Menace when you’re called Dennis now about as plausible as being a...

The Beano have announced they are going to change one of their longest running characters names.Despite its wonderful rhyme, bosses at the comic have been forced to concede that it is simply...
Crashed Gritter Lorry

Council has enough grit

A council in the North of England is absolutely confident that this is the year that they have bought enough grit to salt the roads and keep the traffic moving over the weekend."It's apparently...

Your Mum has a dildo

Children all over the country are coming to terms with the horrifying reality that their Mums have at least one dildo.

Children of middle class parents begin Christmas paperwork

The children of middle class parents all over the country are celebrating the rest of their holidays by doing paperwork.
Al Powell

Racist black cop shoots mentally unstable white veteran, says Fox News

Fox News has accused the LA Police Department of institutional racism after a black cop shot a mentally unstable white veteran on the steps of the Nakotomi Tower on Christmas Morning.According to reports on...

Emergency services respond to man with spade in head

Ambulance crews were called to an address in Wigan this morning after a local man suffered head injuries.The man's wife called 999 after her husband, who had been digging in his allotment, slipped on...
Angry Man Christmas

Man adamant he wanted nowt for Christmas now angry and petulant he got what...

An angry Rochdale man who swore to friends and relatives he wanted nothing except "maybe a skip" for all the stuff he already owns has disowned everyone he knows and is planning a move...

It’s a Christmas Miracle says Rochdale Man who needed nineteen pairs of new socks

A Rochdale Man who was running dangerously low on half price Pringle socks from TK Maxx has praised friends and relatives for stepping in and buying him almost two dozen pairs for Christmas.

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