Unhappy Child

Scotland to ban Smack for children

The Scottish government has confirmed that children will no longer be able to use Smack in Scotland.The move would make the country the first region in the UK to make it completely illegal for...
White Patio Furniture

Patio chair braces himself for Storm Brian

A patio chair in Milnrow is bracing himself for an absolutely terrible few days after news that yet another storm with high winds is brewing.The white plastic chair, part of a set of four...
Builder

Builder finishes job on time and under budget

A small building firm in Lancashire has become the first builder in the history of the industry to finish a job on time and under budget.Local builder Bob, who is known to his friends...
Laptop Office Thumbs Up

Software update happens at convenient time

A laptop in an office in Rochdale has undergone a comprehensive software update without completely screwing up his owner’s day.The laptop, which is an old Dell that has been dropped several times, made the...

Rochdale woman doesn’t dick about with thermostat

A woman from Rochdale has taken the extraordinary decision to not dick about with the central heating thermostat.Barbara Dickinson responded to the fact that she was feeling a little bit chilly by going upstairs...

Bloke who described himself as inspirational and entrepreneurial on CV definitely neither

A bloke’s glowing description of himself on his CV definitely does not bear any resemblance to observations of his personality, it has emerged.During a recent interview Graham Jones, an accountant from Leicester, was asked...
Sturgeon

‘It’s the Welsh we hate not the English’ claims SNP

The Scottish National Party has released an official statement denying that their desire for Scottish independence is motivated by a historic mistrust of the English, explaining that it’s actually the Welsh they want to...
Moving House

Unwanted crap in loft briefly sees light of day during house move

A VHS video recorder that has been languishing in the loft of a house in Middleton briefly saw the light of day this afternoon.The once state of the art Sanyo integrated TV and VCR...

William and Catherine’s third child expected to hatch in April

Kensington palace said the breeding pair were “delighted” to be adding to their lounge and already have two hatchlings: Prince George, four, and his younger sister Charlotte, two.

Ireland wakes up in South Atlantic after all-night craic.

The island of Ireland had braced itself for the oncoming of storm Ophelia in the best Irish tradition, with a night of craic and a barrel of Guinness.On Monday it was reported that over...
Plumber

London’s last affordable plumber shot by poachers

London’s last surviving affordable plumber has been killed by poachers in Clapham, according to a conservation group that protects a dwindling group of reliable tradesmen in London, estimated to be as few as 15.The...
Windy Out

It’s a bit windy out

People all over the UK who have ears and access to either a door or a window have confirmed that it’s a bit windy outside.It wasn’t windy earlier in the day but started to...
Man in warm coat

Hurricane Ophelia upgraded to category 5 after northern man zips up coat

Storm Ophelia is battering the UK and Ireland with gusts up to 80mph. After a report of a northern man tutting at a flurry of leaves and zipping his coat up, the Met Office...

Northerners scared by red sun consult wise woman and prepare sacrifices

Looking outside this morning millions of British citizens were confronted by an unusually shade of overcast and the sun glowing a curious red.Researchers from the Met Office say the unique colour was likely caused...
Bono

Several million Irish sign petition to tie Bono to a fecking kite

The good people of the Emerald Isle know how to take advantage of this windy bollocksA petition to “tie Bono to a fecking kite” is now the most popular petition of Irish origins on...
Big Ben Fireworks

Recently renamed London landmark Massive Mohammed to ring out for Diwali despite repairs

There will be fewer quiet nights during October after the authorities in charge of the House of Commons agreed to give the recently renamed Massive Mohammed permission to bong during the religious festival of...

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