Monday, October 22, 2018

Tommy Robinson supporter disappointed by lack of Muslim no-go areas in London

A Tommy Robinson supporter from Rochdale has told of his disappointment at discovering London isn't a Muslim no-go area dominated by Sharia Law. Cliff Edge told us, "I'd gone prepared. I was wearing my sunglasses...

Fears Thames Beluga whale is a Russian spy

There are fears a Beluga Whale spotted swimming in the River Thames may be a Russian spy. The whale was spotted earlier this week and it was thought it may be lost but there...

Labour Party member forced to deny he’s joined a cult

A Labour Party member who has attended their conference has been forced to deny he has joined a cult. Bill Board has spent the last week in Liverpool at the conference and told us, "I...

Nigel Farage reveals he was thrown out of the SAS for being too good

Nigel Farage MP (just kidding) has revealed that he was thrown out of the SAS for being too good. Mr Farage MP (just kidding) was speaking during his LBC radio show during which he announced...

1000’s of tea plantation jobs go as Yorkshire Tea announces it’s moving production to...

There are fears that thousands of tea plantation workers in Yorkshire could lose their jobs as makers of Yorkshire Tea, Taylors of Harrogate, announced they are transferring tea farming to India. An announcement was...

Torch lit procession marks start of UKIP party conference

UKIP's party conference has got off to a spectacular start with an evening torch procession in honour of Nigel Farage through the streets of Wolverhampton tonight. This weeks UKIP leader, Gerard Batten addressed the gathered...
Theresa May

Theresa May negotiates paying full price for a DFS sofa

Theresa May has succeeded in negotiating paying full price on a sofa from DFS. Mrs May was returning from Salzburg following the most disappointing trip to Austria since Kara Mustafa got to 17th Century Vienna...

Wetherspoons strike causes customer to drink 4 pack of lager for breakfast

A Wetherspoons customer has been forced to drink a 4 pack of lager for breakfast today due to staff at his local Wetherspoons being on strike. 64 year old Bill Board told us, "It's really...
Donald Trump

Only Democrats were killed by Hurricane Florence, claims Trump

Donald Trump has claimed all 12 people currently known to have died in the Carolinas as a result of Storm Florence were Democrats. "Proof that God hates the crooked Democrats!" tweeted Trump, melting the keypad...

Warning issued after teetotal vegan non-smoker bores himself to death

Fresh concerns have been raised over the safety of healthy lifestyles after a study found that people following them invariably die eventually anyway. A team of scientists from Rochdale's Community University found that people who...

We have no shares in Amazon as Yodel are delivering them, says Justin Welby

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby has today explained that The Church of England doesn't actually have shares in Amazon as Yodel has never delivered them. Welby said, "The accusations that the Church of England has...

“Your dad is a horrible man”, says man yelling at child because he doesn’t...

A middle aged man has today made another middle aged man aware that he doesn't like him by standing outside the man's home and yelling at his 11 year old child. Bill Board tracked Jacob...

Rees-Mogg reveals time travel is workable Irish border solution

Jacob Rees-Mogg has revealed that the Irish border issue can be easily and practically solved using time travel. Rees-Mogg revealed the plan today in a speech to the European Research Group. "The Irish border issue...
Rees Mogg Farage

Get behind my nutters version of Brexit says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob Rees-Mogg has attempted to counter accusations that he has no Brexit plan by unveiling one so fancifully insane a Texan jury wouldn't recommend the death penalty. One analyst said, "Jacob unveiled his plan to...

Treasury announces British economy based on booze and barbeques

The Government has announced that the UK's economy is now based solely on beer and barbeques. In a statement the Treasury said, "The sunny weather has really helped the economy. With much better growth...

Rochdale assassination attempt foiled by rail replacement bus service

A Russian assassination team who were tasked with assassinating an ex-spy In Rochdale were foiled by a rail replacement bus service and a strike by Northern Rail. GMP spokesman, Bill Board said, "The assassins flew...

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