riot police 2

Starbucks evacuated after customer Alan Akbar orders a coffee

A Starbucks in Manchester was evacuated today after a man called Alan Akbar ordered a Caramel Frappuccino. Alan told us, "I was out shopping and fancied a quick coffee....
Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling awards ferry contract to Nigerian Prince after receiving fortuitous email

Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling has announced that the Government have awarded a contract to provide ferries in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Grayling, the man who brought you...
Philip

Queen acts out stamp during charades for 60th year running

The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told us, "She does it every year. And every year everyone is expected...
Theresa May Christmas

Theresa May gets into Christmas spirit by ordering census and slaughtering first born children

Theresa May has finally got into the spirit of Christmas by ordering a massive census of everybody in the UK and slaughtering all of the first-born children. The news comes on the anniversary of Theresa...
Ryanair

Birmingham Airport begins Windows 10 update

Birmingham Airport officials have announced they've accidentally started a Windows 10 update. The update is alleged to have caused the air traffic control centre to close down. A spokesman told us, "At 3 this afternoon...

Only one more sleep until Dads start Christmas shopping

Dads are said to be giddy with excitement at the news that it's only one more sleep until they can start their Christmas shopping. Dads around the country are thought to be considering thinking about...
Die Hard 2

Gatwick drone operators arrested after shootout at abandoned church and ski-doo chase across frozen...

A team of former special-forces mercenaries have been arrested in connection with the criminal use of drones which has caused the widespread disruption to flights at Gatwick airport, police have told The Rochdale Herald. In...

Christmas ruined as Santa fails CRB check

Christmas may be cancelled as Santa has failed to get his CRB check renewed. The revelation came last night when a Government Spokesperson said, "Santa didn't get his CRB check in in time. He submitted...
Sajid Javid

Sajid Javid accidentally deports himself to Pakistan

Sajid Javid has accidentally deported himself to Pakistan. A Home Office spokesman said, "Mr Javid has said that a hard Brexit is a good thing as it means a more robust immigration policy can be...

Jeremy Corbyn in Right Wing Political Correctness Storm

The political right, bigots, misogynists, anti-feminists and liars across the country united yesterday, to fully embrace political correctness, after the opposition leader was accused of calling a stupid woman a "stupid woman". It is unclear...

Queen’s Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu

There are rumours today that the Queen's Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu. A furious Palace insider told us, "It's completely ridiculous. I've heard the Queen isn't happy about it but the Government...
Stevenage

Slums angered after being compared to Stevenage by Lewis Hamilton

Lewis Hamilton has upset slums all over the world by comparing them to Stevenage. The five-time Formula 1 world champion made the faux pas while on stage losing the BBC Sports Personality of the Year...
Heating on

Northern Dad puts heating on

Confirmed reports are in that a Northern Dad in Lancashire has put the central heating on. Airports throughout the UK have been closed, all trains have been cancelled and the army has been put on...

BBC bans presenters saying “Happy Holidays” because it offends Christians

The BBC has banned presenters from using the term, "Happy Holidays" as it offends Christians. Rochdale resident Stan Still told us, "This is PC rubbish gone mad. What's wrong with saying, "Happy Holidays"? This is...
Rees Mogg

You lost get over it, Jacob Rees-Mogg told

Jacob Rees-Mogg has been told to get over losing the no confidence vote in Theresa May last night. Mr Rees-Mogg heads the European Research Group which is to European research what Andrew Wakefield is to...
Theresa May

Theresa May performs celebratory podium dance

Theresa May has celebrated her victory in the Tory Party's got talent final by performing a podium dance in the front 10 Downing Street. A journalist at the address told us, "I've reported on some...

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