Wednesday, August 22, 2018

UKIP launch investigation into how 3 of its members managed to read a map

UKIP have launched an immediate inquiry into how 3 of its members managed to read a map and several signs to find a book shop in London. UKIP spokesman Cliff Edge said, "At first we...

Minister of Health and Social care to Employ Doctors From University of Life

Health Minster Stephen Barclay has told of his bold plan to plug the shortfall of doctors within the NHS by employing geniuses from the University of life. Speaking to the Rochdale Herald he said, "For...
Tommy Robinson

Tommy Robinson distances himself from the Labour Party

Right wing folk hero Tommy Robinson has issued a statement distancing himself for The Labour Party. The statement was issued in response to speculation that Robinson might run for Parliament on a truth and justice...

Britain warned Brexit could be as bad as Star Wars: The Phatom Menace

Britain has been warned that Brexit could be as bad as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. The warning comes a week after the Government refused to deny that Brexit will be as bad as...

Police chiefs launch captive breeding programme in bid to boost officer numbers

Police chiefs in England and Wales have been asked to contribute their best and brightest officers to a captive breeding programme due to be launched in the Autumn.  The move comes as Chief Constables from across the UK...
Red moon

Northerners scared by red moon consult wise woman and prepare sacrifices

Looking outside last night millions of British citizens were confronted by the moon appearing enlarged and glowing a curious red. Whilst most people south of Chester remarked on its unusual appearance and took photos for...
En Suite

Pretentious couple install extra place to pooh in house for £20,000

A pretentious couple from Rochdale have installed another place to have a pooh in their house, for some reason. Steve and Barbara Dickinson have revealed that they can now do a turd in their bedroom...
Michael Gove

Angela Merkel looking forward to going Interrailing with Michael Gove

Angela Merkel is reported to be ecstatic about spending the summer Interrailing with Michael Gove. Gove will be Interrailing as part of the Governments plans to sell Brexit to European leaders before they reject...
Sunbathing woman

Homeworkers warned to wear suncream as UK heatwave intensifies

With expectations that this month's sweltering weather could become the norm a health strategy is urgently required to protect the thousands of people who work from home from sunstroke, a House of Commons report...
Dignity

Bin man feared dead after ship called Dignity found wrecked off west coast

Fears are growing this evening for a Glasgow bin man whose boat has been found wrecked off the west coast of Scotland. The man, a worker for Glasgow council for twenty years, known to his...
Couple with dog

Man thinks they’re getting dog instead of a baby

A poor deluded fool from Rochdale has convinced himself that he and his long term partner are getting a puppy instead of a baby. Steve Dickinson from Rochdale is said to be extremely excited at...
Piers Morgan

If you loved the Blitz you’ll love Brexit, says Piers Morgan

Piers Morgan has told ITV viewers that if they loved the Blitz they're going to love Brexit. Morgan made the comments in on Good Morning Britain between a report about a woman who contacts people's...
Village fete

Vote leave caught cheating at tombola

The vote leave campaign have today received a stern glare and a verbal ticking off for cheating at the village fete tombola. It turns out they bought one ticket, pulled every ticket out of the...

Theresa May: Donald Trump told me to grab EU by the pussy

Donald Trump told Theresa May that she should "grab the EU by the pussy" rather than ask for its consent, according to an interview aired on the BBC this morning.  Speaking on the Andrew Marr...

Anglo US relations at lowest ebb since war of 1812 as Queen joins anti-trump...

Anglo US relations have reached their lowest ebb since 1812 when British Force burned down the White House after members of the Royal Family were pictured protesting Trump in London. The Queen was pictured holding...
Piers Morgan

Self-aggrandising, egotistical liar meets Donald Trump

Donald Trump was interviewed by self-aggrandising egotist Piers Morgan over the weekend. Morgan, who likes to pretend to stand for traditional British values such as respecting the armed services despite famously being sacked by The...

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