Fears 40% of millenials may never have tedious home improvement conversations

There are fears that up to 40% of millennials may never be able to have tedious home improvement conversations. Fewer and fewer people are able to own their own homes due to their fondness for...
Drinking Wine

Not drinking alcohol makes life feel a lot longer, confirm experts

Not drinking will make your life feel a lot longer, according to a study that suggests not being a little bit drunk every day will really smash home the tedium of your day to...
Demolition

Council demolish victim’s home to erect memorial garden for dead burglar

In a surprise move today London councillors have confirmed plans to demolish the home of 78 year old Mr Osborn-Brooks and in its place start construction of a memorial garden to the dead burglar,...

Labour Party pledge to make it cheaper for young people to get stabbed on...

The Labour Party has announced a new policy that will allow young people to get stabbed on night buses much more cheaply. Labour spokesman, Stan Still said, "Under the Tories young people have increasingly been...

“I didn’t want to go to your poxy wedding anyway” says Theresa May

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Theresa May, has announced that she didn't want to go to the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle anyway. The announcement came...
Homeless Man

Government toasts success as rate of reduction in homelessness doubles

Homeless reduction is the latest resounding success for Britain's most popular female Prime Minister ever. The May Government has shown that not only may it govern, it shall govern, with a phenomenal achievement in tackling...

Life is meaningless and everything dies, concludes child on ‘day out’ to historic town

A child from Rochdale has concluded that life is meaningless and that everything dies during a visit to York with his parents during the Easter holidays. Sam Smith, 12, from Rochdale was taken to York...
Duck

Great weather for ducks, confirm ducks

Ducks around the UK have confirmed that they are having a really lovely day and are enjoying the weather. Speaking from the middle of a massive puddle in Rochdale Donald, a duck, told The Rochdale...
Houses of Parliament

Boost for NHS as Government pledges 50% of uncollected change from vending machines over...

The NHS received a much needed boost today, after Number 10 kindly pledged to plough a sizeable portion of uncollected change from all Government office vending machines into public services in a stunning new...

Man discovers he’s middle aged after getting neck injury whilst putting jumper on

A Rochdale man has come to the realisation he's middle aged after sustaining a neck injury whilst putting on a jumper. Stan Still, 38, said, "I was stood getting ready for work. It's still chilly...

Office tea expert ‘just sad’ reveals study

  It was confirmed today that people who make a song and dance about brewing and drinking tea are among the saddest characters in any office. The research, carried out in UK workplaces over the last...
bus driver

Bus drivers distraught they can’t lose shit when given a fiver due to increased...

Bus drivers distraught they can't lose their shit when given a fiver, due to increased ticket prices. Up and down the country local bus drivers are in a state of disbelief as they can no...

Fears sugar tax could mean bottom falls out of mobility scooter market

The British mobility scooter industry has warned that it could see a huge drop in production of mobility scooters following the introduction of the Government's sugar tax. The warning came on the day the tax...
Queen and Duke

Queen undergoes Duke of Edinburgh replacement operation

The Queen has undergone a successful operation to have the Duke of Edinburgh replaced. Doctors at King Charle's hospital in London said the operation had been completely successful. "We removed the old duke during a four...

53 year old man killed in gigantic pants fire

A 53 year-old man killed in a gigantic pants fire at his home in Upper Wally in Oxfordshire has been described by former colleagues as a complete prat. A second person, believed to be a...
The Queen

Queen announces Prince Harry will become King of the USA following wedding to Meghan...

The Queen has announced that she exercise her right to crown Prince Harry and Meghan Markle King and Queen of the USA. During the announcement the Queen said, "Many people think that the USA is...

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