New royal baby to be called Mohammed and raised gender neutral

The Duchess of Sussex Megan Markle has today given birth to a healthy child after a quick labour. Prince Harry is reported as delighted, as is his Great-Grandfather, Prince Philip, who is reportedly over the...

One dead and two critical after fight over last packet of burger buns

At approximately one o'clock this afternoon emergency services were dispatched to the Cooperative convenience store in Middleton. The initial response was to investigate a report anti social behaviour. Reports since indicate that fighting had broken...

Dreadlocked protestor’s skin’s sensitivity to climate change successfully protects her from death in custody

Extinction Rebellion activist deliberately intended to get herself arrested, safely With parts of the nation's capital experiencing air almost as clean as Rochdale's, we caught up with serial protestor...
Michael Gove

Britons aghast at realisation that Brexit Bonus is Michael Gove as P.M.

Ordinary, innocent Britons, along with many who voted Leave, were faced today with the horrendous realisation that the much vaunted 'Brexit Bonus' was likely to be 'having Michael Gove as Prime Minister'. Ordinary, innocent Briton...
Viagra

WTO confirms nations can trade with U.K. on a ‘pity fuck’ basis.

The WTO has confirmed that in the case of a no deal Brexit, member nations will be free to trade with the U.K. as an economic equivalent of a sympathy shag. The unelected President of...
Jacob Rees Mogg

Scary brexiteer “Mogo” revealed to be a hoax

Jacob Rees-Mogg,known to the internet as "Mogo",the scary haunted Victorian doll,has been revealed to be a hoax. Pictures of Mogo have been popping up on various political media, with...
Wetherspoons

Wetherspoons to rebrand as “Special Circle of Hell”

Pub chain Wetherspoons is to re-brand as the Special Circle of Hell following an endorsement by EU President Donald Tusk. A spokesman for the company told us, "Donald Tusk...

Stop calling us liars, lying racist shitsticks tell Microsoft

The Daily Mail is calling for a web browser alert that tells readers that prolonged exposure to its website will turn them into completely racist bellends to be changed.
London Underground Train

TFL confirms London Underground to be extended to Scotland by 2021

London's continued plans to absorb the entirety of Great Britain into the never ending tentacles of its grotesque boundaries were handed a huge boost today. Transport For London excitedly announced news of a deal...
Theresa May

Get behind my shit deal or we won’t be able to do dreadful thing,...

Theresa May has urged MP's to get behind her awful Brexit plan or risk not being able to have Brexit. With many people warning that it's a really stupid...

Government announces Festival of Brexit will be held in derelict car manufacturing plants

The Government has announced a new exciting celebration of Brexit. Speaking exclusively to The Rochdale Herald, Government insider Cliff Edge told us, "The festival will be a celebration of everything that is great about Brexit...
Range Rover

It’s the will of the people – Jaguar Land Rover tells redundant employees

Jaguar Land Rover has told employees that by making them redundant they are carrying out the will of the British people. Employee Bill Board told us, "It came as...

Town of Hamelin hire Anna Soubry to rid itself of Problem Gammons

Hamelin Town Hall has announced today that they have struck a deal with Anna Soubry to end their problems with flocks of Gammons in the beleaguered town. The deal, of which neither...
riot police 2

Starbucks evacuated after customer Alan Akbar orders a coffee

A Starbucks in Manchester was evacuated today after a man called Alan Akbar ordered a Caramel Frappuccino. Alan told us, "I was out shopping and fancied a quick coffee....
Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling awards ferry contract to Nigerian Prince after receiving fortuitous email

Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling has announced that the Government have awarded a contract to provide ferries in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Grayling, the man who brought you...
Philip

Queen acts out stamp during charades for 60th year running

The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told us, "She does it every year. And every year everyone is expected...

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