Friday, June 22, 2018
Smiling woman

Woman’s bad mood CURED by random bloke telling her to ‘smile’

A Rochdale woman has miraculously found the secret to happiness by following the guidance of a male passerby who told her to 'smile, love, it might never happen'. Ellie McGregor, 28, said that by following...

Dead burglar to get state funeral

A Rochdale burglar who was killed whilst at work will receive a state funeral.  Councillor Tom Walsh said, "This man wasn't any old burgular. He was the People's Burgular and as such, it will be...

Drowning Man Rescued from Gorton Pothole

Following a night out with his mates, a man who fell into a pothole in Gorton, Manchester was rescued by a passing stranger. The damsel who came to his distress held onto his hands...

Chinese space station crashes into Burnley causing £12-50 worth of damage

The Tiangong-1 Chinese space station that has been out of control since 2016 finally crashed down to Earth in the early hours of Monday morning on the British town of Burnley causing wide spread...

Pause in Sheffield tree felling as South Yorkshire Police launch raids on public trumpeters

Following the recent arrest of a woman for playing a toy trumpet at a tree felling site, and the resultant revelation that trumpeting in a public place is illegal; South Yorkshire Police stopped protecting...
steak pie

Burnley Analytica implicated in Pie Market fixing scandal

The highly influential research and strategy group, Burnley Analytica, have been accused of unfairly influencing the, multi-pound Northern Pie Market. An undercover investigation, by Baked Goods Weekly, has unearthed astounding evidence of a conspiracy to...

Man thrown out of vegan cult for wearing donkey jacket

There was outrage in the Burnley hemp weaving community today after a man was expelled from his local vegetarian cult for wearing a donkey jacket. Graeme Corbin, long time jam enthusiast and dairy free yoghurt...

‘This isn’t some sort of police state’ says Sheffield man running police state

As he despatched six mini-buses of police officers carrying riot gear to a site where a council-paid contractor was due to fell a line of healthy trees used for Christmas fundraising, Sheffield police Assistant...

Rochdale spies suffer eye strain after being exposed to local man’s tackle

Two of Rochdale's well known top secret spies were today recovering in Specsavers after local man, Fred Higglesworth, exposed himself after drinking ten pints of Carling. Higglesworth, described in court as being of no fixed...

Bacup bakery follow Delta Airlines’ lead, withdraw Britain First discount.

Following the conviction of their leaders for advanced wankery, local Britain First members today received another body blow.  In line with a recent decision by Delta Airlines to disassociate itself with a toxic organisation...
Burnley

Burnley twins with itself

After an extensive search, the Burnley Council has decided that the town best suited to twinning with Burnley is Burnley itself. "We hired a consultant from Rochdale who suggested three towns, Trouduc in France, Klootzak...

First Burnley resident to complete 40 minute mile dies at 29

The Rochdale Herald is sad to report that the first Burnley resident to complete the 40 minute mile has died aged 29. Bill Board completed the feat this morning after setting off from his house....

Panic as rebel Corbynistas take West Didsbury

Residents of the leafy south Manchester suburb of West Didsbury were forced to spit their skinny lattes out in shock this morning after the area was captured by radical Jeremy Corbyn supporters. Guerilla Corbynistas successfully...

LATEST – Burnley moves even closer to life in colour

Residents of Burnley moved one step closer to a life lived in colour this week. The Rochdale Herald recently reported Burnley Council's plans to allow colour to be available to its...
Rochdale Riverside

Rochdale unaffected by US Government shutdown confirms Council chief

Rochdale - The leader of Rochdale Borough Council, Councillor Allen Brett, has reassured residents of the town that they won't be affected by the ongoing US Government shutdown on the basis that "we're not...
Building Fire

Rochdale pub burns down after local man pokes fire while looking at mantlepiece

Tragedy has struck a Rochdale landmark pub, The Baum, over the weekend causing literally pounds of damage when fire swept through the building. Firefighters who were called to the blaze spent several hours tackling the...

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