EU kebab ban receives chilli reception in Burnley

The EU move to ban phosphates in donner kebabs has sent a shockwave through the British culinary world.Keith Braithwaite, local restaurateur and winner of Burnley's only certificate for food safety said "Let's face it,...

Buying a house is really stressful first time buyer tells bloke in queue for...

A first time buyer has been explaining how stressful buying a house is to a man he met in a foodbank.Taylor Twyford-Twist was doing his weekly bit of virtue signalling, or charity work as...
Boiling Sprouts

Christmas lunch already ruined after Grandma forgets to start boiling sprouts in November

A Rochdale family has had to cancel Christmas this year after Grandma admitted that she had forgotten to start cooking the sprouts in November.Pamela Dickinson from Heyworth made the revelation during a family day...

Suspicious package that led to Burnley hospital evacuation identified as basket of fruit

A 'suspicious package' that led to the evacuation of Burnley General Hospital earlier today has been identified as a basket of fruit, according to hospital officials.Over two hundred patients had to be escorted out...

Rochdale trolley collector quits job, anaesthetises pigeon and cuts off let to pursue career...

A Rochdale man has today spoken exclusively to the Herald about his short-lived career as a pirate.Captain Lidl Beard had been working as a trolley collector at The Rochdale branch of Lidl until quitting...
Factory Fire

Explosion in Burnley pie factory causes £3.14159265359 of damage

Since the early 1970s, the Trivial Piesuits factory has been a welcome source of employment, nourishment, and scent for Burnley residents.The squat factory unit, on the Heasandford Estate, has undoubtedly boosted house prices in...

Pretentious Blackburn couple having a thanksgiving dinner can’t understand why nobody’s coming

A Rochdale family have been telling The Rochdale Herald how a Blackburn couple have invited them to Thanksgiving dinner tonight.Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale college said, "It's a holiday not traditionally celebrated here as...
Audi A5

Audi driver has above average sized penis

There were scenes of disbelief in Rochdale today after a man who drives a convertible Audi A5 was found to be in possession of an above average sized penis.Derek Diggler, 35 and a bit,...

Middle aged man pulls off the double denim look

A middle aged man from Halifax has done the impossible and pulled off the double denim look.Glenn Clarke, 53, from Bury in Lancashire, a part-time encyclopedia salesman and full-time horse whisperer revealed the bold...

SHOCK as cocaine bought in Rochdale nightclub found to contain trace amounts of COCAINE

Local man Geoff Addy was out partying in Rochdale's premier night club, Kokos, on Saturday for his mate John Bullington's abortion party, when he was arrested for possession of the Class A drug cocaine.However...
Burnley Teenager

Burnley schoolgirl goes whole term without getting pregnant

The leader of Burnley council has called for calm today, after it was revealed a Burnley schoolgirl went an entire term without becoming pregnant.Eric Dingle, confirmed that the school will be put under special...

Army called in to Burnley find ‘riot’ just sale at Farmfoods

The British Army was deployed in Burnley town centre earlier today to quell civil unrest apparently taking place in the city's popular shopping district.Army chiefs were dismayed to discover the source of the problem...
Dickheads with fireworks

Getting pissed and setting off fireworks near children is dangerous, experts warn

Dickheads armed with fireworks have been urged to “please not kill anyone” this bonfire night, as it emerged how pissing about with explosives after 10 cans of lager is dangerous.A statement released by Rochdale...
Man with mug of tea

Northern man puts teabag directly in bin without putting it in the sink

In a world first a northern man has put a teabag into the bin without first putting it into the sink for a few hours.Northerner Steve Dickinson was making a mug of tea when...

Fury as plastic poppy fetishists aren’t allowed to sing their favourite song

Royal British Legion members from Little Mynd, near Rochdale, have been denied the chance to sing their favourite song during their annual attendance at church.The row erupted as the hymn Onward Christian Soldiers was...

Grandparent babysitting for half term wonders “Is it too early for a drink?” Monday...

A grandparent who nonchalantly offered to babysit for the entire half term week has already wondered if it's too early for a drink?Granny Syllable, 67, Bristol, spoke to the Rochdale Herald’s Affordable Childcare correspondent...

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