Monday, August 20, 2018

Government responds to Saddleworth Moor crisis by pledging further cuts to Fire Fighting services

Greater Manchester Fire & Rescue Service were today boosted in their thankless quest to control the ongoing fires sweeping Saddleworth Moor by the news that they are to receive less funding to aid them. With...

Stockport Town Centre awarded UNESCO World Heritage status

There were celebrations the length of Heaton Moor to Hazel Grove yesterday, as UNESCO officials announced Stockport Town Centre is to become a World Heritage site from 2019. The move comes after the town was...

Man disappointed at not being told to remove England flags

A Rochdale man has been telling us of his disappointment at not being made to take his England flag down by the police. Martin William's erected the flag on his house today and has...

Shock as traces of vegetables found in supermarket ready meals

Food enthusiasts have demanded an enquiry after research showed that as many as 1 in 10 supermarket ready meals contain trace amounts of vegetables. A Burnley resident told us, "I was shocked when I opened...

It is too soon to spoon say Northern Rail commuters

Northern Rail commuters have confirmed that the length of time it takes to get to work is definitely too soon to spoon. 28 year old commuter, Hadley Rollins said, "I get on the train at...

Learner drivers allowed to experience the high octane feeling of sitting in traffic on...

Learner drivers in Rochdale have been getting to know the high octane thrill of queuing on the M62 for the first time today. The government has for the first time allowed learner drivers to...

Put a top on, you’re not Poldark man told.

A Rochdale man has been told to put a top on whilst he does the gardening as he's in no danger of ever being mistaken for Poldark. Eccentric loner, 38 year old Stan Still said,...

Playground craze leads Burnley kids to discover deodorant

Hundreds of Burnley schoolchildren are now aware of the existence of deodorant thanks to the recent playground craze. The craze involves spraying deodorant from a can onto bare skin until the recipient can no longer...

Manchester residents perform ceremony to bring rain back

Manchester residents are delighted that their rituals to the Rain God have worked and banished the burning eye that brings only searing skin pain. Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, "In ancient times the...

Man buying surprise ironing board for wife’s birthday asks what colour she wants –...

A Rochdale man has explained what happened when, on a whim, he decided to buy his wife an ironing board for her birthday and thought he had best ask which colour she would prefer. Speaking...
Smiling woman

Woman’s bad mood CURED by random bloke telling her to ‘smile’

A Rochdale woman has miraculously found the secret to happiness by following the guidance of a male passerby who told her to 'smile, love, it might never happen'. Ellie McGregor, 28, said that by following...

Dead burglar to get state funeral

A Rochdale burglar who was killed whilst at work will receive a state funeral.  Councillor Tom Walsh said, "This man wasn't any old burgular. He was the People's Burgular and as such, it will be...

Drowning Man Rescued from Gorton Pothole

Following a night out with his mates, a man who fell into a pothole in Gorton, Manchester was rescued by a passing stranger. The damsel who came to his distress held onto his hands...

Chinese space station crashes into Burnley causing £12-50 worth of damage

The Tiangong-1 Chinese space station that has been out of control since 2016 finally crashed down to Earth in the early hours of Monday morning on the British town of Burnley causing wide spread...

Pause in Sheffield tree felling as South Yorkshire Police launch raids on public trumpeters

Following the recent arrest of a woman for playing a toy trumpet at a tree felling site, and the resultant revelation that trumpeting in a public place is illegal; South Yorkshire Police stopped protecting...
steak pie

Burnley Analytica implicated in Pie Market fixing scandal

The highly influential research and strategy group, Burnley Analytica, have been accused of unfairly influencing the, multi-pound Northern Pie Market. An undercover investigation, by Baked Goods Weekly, has unearthed astounding evidence of a conspiracy to...

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