A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he’s an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a cup of coffee whilst reading a story in a newspaper about a child in a hospital in Leeds lay on the floor suffering from Pneumonia.

Bill’s wife Orla told us, “I heard him tutting and going, ‘oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.’ In between mouthfuls of egg. He then turned to me and told me that the photo was staged and that the drip the child was attached to wouldn’t work on the floor and that he’d obviously been placed there by his mother to get some publicity.”

“When I pointed out that it was an oxygen mask or something he said that a child with that kind of mask would need to be in an ICU. It was like he thought he was House or something.”

Bill’s daughter told us, “It’s like he’s temporarily forgotten that we know him. This is the man who not only failed GCSE Science but when I was small would shout ‘Boring’ or ‘Nerd’ if anything remotely scientific came on the TV. When I was younger he went to my parents evening and punched my Science teacher in the face because my teacher didn’t agree that only women had nipples. Nut for some reason he now thinks he’s an expert in respiratory conditions. Makes a change on him being Rochdale’s answer to Isambard Kingdom Brunel which is what happened for 5 years after the World Trade Center was destroyed.”

Mr Board has announced that he will be volunteering in his local Wetherspoons in an effort to cut NHS waiting times.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.