Bubble Wrap

Bubble wrap producers report record sales as schools prepare for new year

As pupils prepare to merrily go back to school their parents are preparing for the big celebration.In recent years, parents have been edging ever-closer to the ultimate goal of total protection, a nirvana of...

School sex education classes to be replaced by Love Island

School sex education classes are rubbish and should be replaced by episodes of Love Island it has been decided.Justine Greening said, "Learning to draw the reproductive organs is pretty pointless from the point of...
Old Graduate

University of Life under Ofsted investigation after turning out complete fucking idiots

Chief Ofsted inspector Mark Teachers announced today he would be launching a special investigation into the University of Life, based in Thanet.A lower-level investigation is planned in Swanley's School of Hard Knocks. Mr Teachers...
Philosopher

Shock as major philosopher is revealed to be a prankster

Didier Noyu, who identifies as an‘Anarcho-Realist’, admits to making up schools of thought for shits and giggles.“My latest one was ‘meta-post-structuralism’,” Noyu writes via encrypted email. “It means absolutely nothing, and I applied...
Professor

Department of Education announce Degree in Hindsight to prevent all future tragedies

Civil servants and politicians from a wide range of governmental departments are throwing their weight behind a Department of Education proposal to create a highly-specialised degree course in Hindsight."Everyone knows that after every disaster...

Tories secure parent vote after abolishing school holidays, weekends and Christmas

Parents up and down the country have thrown their support behind the Conservatives today after details emerged of a radical new plan to abolish school holidays and send children to school for 12 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days of the year.

Corbyn electoral commission investigation for bribing one million media studies students

Jeremy Corbyn has apparently been put under investigation by the electoral commission after reports emerged that he has allegedly offered one million arts, drama and media studies students tax free bribes of £50,000 each to vote for the Labour Partyp
Corbyn

Dropping out of University should be affordable for everyone says University dropout

Jeremy Corbyn will today lay out his manifesto pledge to make dropping out of university courses affordable for everyone.He will tell supporters that, under the current Tory Government doing four terms of a Media...
iPhones

Public stunned to learn injustice happened before everyone could film it on an iPhone...

After a week of violent plane evictions and shows of defiance at protests, Professor of History at Rochdale's Community University, Polly Technic, said;"Injustice has been around as long as mankind, but in recent years every instance...

Syrian Parents outraged by cost of Trips to Disneyland

Syrian parents took to social media yesterday in support of Jon Platt, the British father who the Supreme Court deemed to have broken the law by taking his daughter to DisneyLand during term time.“It...
Prime Numbers

Government Set to Outlaw Prime Numbers

In a surprise announcement this morning, it has emerged that the Government has released a White Paper aimed at criminalising the use of prime numbers.A prime number is a number that can only be...
ISIS

Isis Claims Responsibility for Education Fair Funding Formula Terror

In a shock announcement this morning, that surprised no one, a spokes-stool for Isis (other names are available) claimed credit for the proposed funding changes to schools in England."Our education policy sub-committee has...
Book

World book day sparked hate incident

An unfortunate faux pas occurred yesterday at St Timothy's primary school in Rochdale.Gareth Brown, a year 5 pupil was sent home after arriving at school dressed in full Waffen SS regalia.We contacted Gareth's father, Mr Trevor...
Alf Garnett

Love Thy Neighbour and Till Death do us Part set to get reboots.

The BBC and ITV have both announced this week that they intend reviving certain 'classic' 70's sitcoms because of the current fashion for being a racist bigot.Hilary Patel-Cohen, a BBC spokesgender said, "There's a...

Scientists Prove Fake News Caused by “A lack of bullying in schools”

Scientists believe they have proven the rise of Fake News is a direct consequence of the decline of bullying in schools.Professor Andrei Clewsov of the Sutton Coldfield Institute of Bullying told the Herald, "What...

Change of fart for Donald

Leading language experts are calling for a change in the classification of the word 'trump'.Traditionally, it has been used as:a term for flatulence a term in the cards game of Bridge a term...

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