Local couple Rupert and Penelope Mills have reportedly converted to Satanism in order to get their children into the local cult school after it received an outstanding Ofsted review.

Saint Lucifer’s in Middleton, an Official Church of Satan School, has vastly improved its Ofsted scores since 2015 when the school received a “requires improvement” rating.

Social Media Manager Rupert and his wife Penelope have been studying a range of faith options and have so far considered becoming Catholics, Muslims, Jews, Scientologists, Druids, Budhists and Sikhs after the local state primary school only got a “satisfactory” rating.

“The local Satanic primary school has by far and away the best facilities” Penelope told our education correspondent. “But getting a place, even if you live just down the street isn’t a sure thing. Particularly if you’ve been raised C of E.”

“It’s not really enough to just say you believe in the Lord of Darkness, we have to attend three High Masses every month and sign the register each time.”

“We also have to ‘volunteer’ our time to stay in with the high priest. Rupert cuts the grass every Sunday and feeds the sacrificial goats and I do tea and heavy metal mornings during the week to raise money for the Church cellar.”

“Saint Lucifer’s is supposedly the best primary school in the area for the moment so it’s really important we put the groundwork in now. If we have to join a crackpot religious cult and kill a few goats to get in then so be it.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.