The Daily Mail has today announced that school pupils in England should be taught anatomy using the dead bodies of their previously living teachers. In an article entitled, ‘Let our teachers be heros’ the Mail called on teaching union’s to stop whining about safety of staff and let teachers fulfil their destiny as martyrs to be clapped for on a Thursday evening just after Emmerdale.

A Mail correspondent for deflecting attention from the piss-poor planning of the Government, told us, from his 15 bedroom mansion in the Cayman Islands (purely for tax purposes), “Anatomy always used to be taught by using actual dead bodies. This isn’t about making it easier for garden center staff to go back to work so I can get by borders in order. This is about going back to basics in education. Leonardo Da Vinci often gets praised for the accuracy of his anatomical drawings. That’s because he used dead bodies. Britain has the chance to be like 15th Century Florence and teachers that don’t agree with this are standing in the way of that. They should be ashamed as they’re enemies of Britain. Not just Britain, but you or I. They hate us just like they hate Churchill.”

55 year old teacher, Bill Board told us, “I’ve got a heart condition so I’m pretty vulnerable should I catch this virus. So on the one had I might catch something that could kill me unnecessarily which will be pretty devastating for my family but on the other hand, I could be carved up by some kids to teach them anatomy. It’s a real tuough one this. I’m going to need some time to think about it.”

Mail reader Stan Still told us, “I didn’t fight in the Second World War but I built lots of Airfix models when I was young. When you consider what my generation did fighting the Nazi’s this is pretty poor. Also, it’s obvious that the teaching unions are part of the hard left Marxist Labour Party hell bent on destroying this country. If I wasn’t 25 stone with 9 types of diabetes I’d drag teachers to work and make them do some work instead of lounging around in the sand pit all day.”

Another reader, Orla Board told us, “I don’t see their issue. It’s all common sense really. I manage to stick to the rules when I go out to walk the dog and on my weekly trip to the big Aldi at the interchange. If I can do it why can’t teachers?”

It’s rumoured that the current plan for hatred of teachers will go on long enough for NHS workers to become targets once everyone has gone from clapping them to telling them they shouldn’t get pay rises.

“Don’t worry, wee haven’t forgotten about you.” A Mail reporter told us.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.