Sunday, December 16, 2018
Office Workers

Passive aggressive colleague is genuinely ‘looking forward to your reply’

An office worker who regularly distributes passive aggressive emails genuinely is 'looking forward to your response' because he is very lonely and has little else going on in his life, it was confirmed today. Mid-ranking...
Zizzi

Yulia Skripal leaves Zizzi’s Salisbury 1 star TripAdvisor review

Yulia Skripal has left her first TripAdvisor review since being poisoned last month. Ms Skripal said, "I was in the country visiting my father in March. We felt peckish so went to Zizzi's. OK, it...

People urged to buy nuclear submarines to boost jobs in Barrow

People are being urged to buy nuclear submarines as part of a strategy to reduce the effects of poverty in Barrow-in-Furness. The call comes on a day when it was revealed that there are instances...

Boss of insolvent Maplin vows to solder on

The failure of electrical retailer Maplin has shocked the market after fuse saw it coming, but is it indicative of the current state of the British economy? Would cancelling Brexit help amp things up...
KFC

Kentucky Fried Chicken unaffected by chicken shortage, thousands of cats reported missing

KFC has opened more of its outlets in the UK despite running completely out of chicken.

Sources say DFS might be having a sale IMMINENTLY

If you want a new sofa, pay attention, because this could save you literally some pounds. In an exclusive scoop, The Rochdale Herald can reveal that popular furniture supplier DFS may be having a sale...

KPMG look for pension fund down the back of their sofa

The Senior Outsourcing Revenue Maximisation Vice President for KPMG, the 'big four?' auditor under fire for signing off Carillion's accounts months before its collapse, has pleaded ignorance to the £2.6Billion pensions shortfall and eye...
Businessman

Nationalisation doesn’t work, says firm making millions out of Privatisation

Business - Residents left worried by the collapse of Carillion and ensuing loss of local services have been given the news by local MP Gavin Reidy that a new provider has been identified and...

Cricketers auctioned off to fund the NHS.

Protesters have accused Westminster of 'human trafficking' to fund the NHS. The government has moved quickly to deny accusations that they are selling off Britain's rich natural resources to fund the NHS after it was...
Bearded hipster coffee

Artisan coffee is actually just coffee, admits pretentious twat

A pretentious twat from Rochdale has admitted that so-called artisan coffee is actually just the same as all other coffee, just a bit more of a hassle to make and more expensive. Bojangles St Claire,...
Tax avoidance Tax reform

Major newspapers not really committed to calling for reform of tax avoidance system for...

The readership of Britain's newspapers say they're confused that the papers aren't being more assertive in calling for tax reform. Right wing press connoisseur, Cliff Edge told us, "Usually my newspaper starts mobilising a mass...
Jumbel Sale

Online tat markets filling up with utter crap that ‘Would make a great Christmas...

As the nights draw in and the last of the pre-winter rituals of ‘Children Demanding Sweets by Menaces’ night, ‘Throwing Fireworks at Cats’ night and ‘Outing Traitors Not Wearing a Red Flower’ day are...
Blindfold Car Boot Sale

You’re more likely to find nice top at car boot sale wearing blindfold than...

It turns out that you’re more likely to find something that fits if you close your eyes and dig around in a skip or the boot of a stranger’s car than at TK Maxx.
Cyclist

New guy at work definitely up to something

Employees from a Rochdale conservatory company have been explaining how a new employee is definitely up to something. Simon Simpson started on Monday and told us, "It's been good so far. Everyone is really...
Meeting

We need another meeting to discuss this meeting

The Rochdale Global Enterprises' operations and functions sub-committee concluded yesterday that a further meeting was needed before its next meeting on Tuesday week. The RGEOFSC meets regularly each week to discuss operations and functions. The...

Waitrose appoint new Head of Egg Hiding

Supermarket giant Waitrose today announced the appointment of Alex Bell as the new Head of Egg Hiding. Proudly the UK market leader in un-helpful shop lay-out and product camouflage, Waitrose have moved quickly in the...

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