Toys R Us

Toys ‘R’ Us to rebrand as Sex Toys ‘R’ Us to avoid looming bankruptcy

The giant toy retailer has recently filed for bankruptcy protection in the US and Cananda after massive losses to rivals such as Amazon and other online competetitors.Toy sales have been on a downward...

New transgender £10 note to feature Stone Cold Steve Austen when you tilt it...

Bank of England unveils new non-gender alignment biased polymer tenner.As of today, ten million new ten pound notes bearing the new design have now been brought into circulation. As well as including a tactile...
Waterstones

Waterstones moves post-apocalyptic fiction to current affairs section

In a statement today, popular British high street book retailer Waterstones announced all books with post-apocalyptic themes will be moved to the current affairs section.CEO James Daunt said “Customers have become increasingly disillusioned by...
Eclipse

Amazon issues cease and desist order against Moon, claiming copyright on e-clipse

Online megatrader Amazon has issued a cease and desist order against the Moon, obliging the satellite to end its intended traverse between the Sun and the earth, lawyers acting for the company announced.According to...
Dress Down Friday

Rochdale boss dresses down staff after casual Friday turns Nazi

The age old question of trying to persuade employees to continue to care about work on a Friday has vexed employers for decades. A popular choice is appearing to tolerate diversity, of clothing, in...
Liam Fox

Liam Fox signs first trade agreement with Mexican Cartel to import 1,000 tons of...

The Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, was thrilled to announce this week the first trade agreement for a post-Brexit Britain.The historic deal with Mexico’s Sinaloa Cartel, the world’s most powerful drug...
refrigerator

Sales of refrigerators tumble due to British Gas price hike

This week brought the news that British Gas are set to raise their prices again, effecting millions of loyal customers.This move will likely see many poor and vulnerable homeowners left with difficult choices, as...
Pensioners

Pensioners with British Gas look forward to choosing between freezing and starving to death...

"My pension didn't cover the old price. In fact, the only reason I didn't freeze to death last year is because I was able to burn all the ‘late Payment’ notices that British Gas kept sending out"
Rubbing Hands Together

British Gas CEO insists he’s only rubbing his hands together to keep warm

The CEO of British Gas, Sir Mork Lodges, has advised today he’s only rubbing his hands together to keep warm.The statement comes on the day British Gas has announced a paltry 12.5% rise in...
Cathedral City

Cathedral City Cheddar not the best cheddar ‘just fucking unavoidable’ say consumers

According to consumers in Rochdale Cathedral City Cheddar is not the best cheddar, it’s just completely unavoidable.A survey of all of the fridges in the UK found at least one opened packet of Cathedral...

Five year old lemonade salesman found guilty of tax evasion after multi-million pound VAT...

A five year old girl has been found guilty at the Old Bailey of tax evasion after a multi-million pound VAT investigation.The girl, clearly already hell bent on a life of white collar crime,...
Angry Woman

Co-worker with ‘resting bitch-face’ actually really nice

We all fear change in Rochdale especially when we meet new people and feel the tension building as we force small talk.One local woman had those fears build into a living nightmare. Upon...
Bank entrance

Remain scaremongering smells likes truthmongering admits Mark Carney following sniff test

Mark Carney, Governor of the Bank of England, the place where they invent money, has admitted that remain campaigners accused of scaremongering may actually be truthmongering.The surprising intervention comes as new economic data strongly...
Electric Shock

Electric shock therapy recharges your batteries, says sadistic boss

The boss of a Rochdale mobile phone tech support company, Globally Integrated Mobile Phone Solutions, has been telling the Herald how electric shock therapy is helping recharge his workforce's batteries.Oli Chopper-Mystique, GIMPS director of...

Michael Gove themed garden gnomes to be stocked by Homebase

Domestic retail giant Homebase is rumoured to be about to bow to pressure from Michael Gove's employer, Rupert Murdoch, by stocking a series of garden gnomes with Gove's face.The loveable gnomes, to be nick-named...

Sun exposes Cable as Strawberry fool

Liberal democrat leadership candidate "SIR" Vince Cable has been left looking a plum strawberry fool after his claim that Britain was running out of strawberries because of a shortage of migrant fruit pickers was...

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