Cyclist

New guy at work definitely up to something

Employees from a Rochdale conservatory company have been explaining how a new employee is definitely up to something.Simon Simpson started on Monday and told us, "It's been good so far. Everyone is really...
Meeting

We need another meeting to discuss this meeting

The Rochdale Global Enterprises' operations and functions sub-committee concluded yesterday that a further meeting was needed before its next meeting on Tuesday week.The RGEOFSC meets regularly each week to discuss operations and functions. The...

Morrison’s appoint new Head of Egg Hiding

Supermarket giant Morrison's today announced the appointment of Alex Bell as the new Head of Egg Hiding. Proudly the UK market leader in un-helpful shop lay-out and product camouflage, Morrison's have moved quickly in the...

Surprise as men who rigged Tesco milk prices also rigged share prices

Three Tesco directors are in court on fraud charges. The food-fancying fanatic (alleged) fraudsters have, it seems, been cooking the books as well as cooking all manner of tempting produce. The whiff of bullshit...
Royal Mail

Royal Mail pledge to maintain the usual high levels of disappointing service this Christmas

As the services for various popular companies comes into question, with Uber and Ryanair being prime examples, Royal Mail has promised not to let their down customers this coming festive season.With the C...
Toys R Us

Toys ‘R’ Us to rebrand as Sex Toys ‘R’ Us to avoid looming bankruptcy

The giant toy retailer has recently filed for bankruptcy protection in the US and Cananda after massive losses to rivals such as Amazon and other online competetitors.Toy sales have been on a downward...

New transgender £10 note to feature Stone Cold Steve Austen when you tilt it...

Bank of England unveils new non-gender alignment biased polymer tenner.As of today, ten million new ten pound notes bearing the new design have now been brought into circulation. As well as including a tactile...
Waterstones

Waterstones moves post-apocalyptic fiction to current affairs section

In a statement today, popular British high street book retailer Waterstones announced all books with post-apocalyptic themes will be moved to the current affairs section.CEO James Daunt said “Customers have become increasingly disillusioned by...
Eclipse

Amazon issues cease and desist order against Moon, claiming copyright on e-clipse

Online megatrader Amazon has issued a cease and desist order against the Moon, obliging the satellite to end its intended traverse between the Sun and the earth, lawyers acting for the company announced.According to...
Dress Down Friday

Rochdale boss dresses down staff after casual Friday turns Nazi

The age old question of trying to persuade employees to continue to care about work on a Friday has vexed employers for decades. A popular choice is appearing to tolerate diversity, of clothing, in...
Liam Fox

Liam Fox signs first trade agreement with Mexican Cartel to import 1,000 tons of...

The Secretary of State for International Trade, Liam Fox, was thrilled to announce this week the first trade agreement for a post-Brexit Britain.The historic deal with Mexico’s Sinaloa Cartel, the world’s most powerful drug...
refrigerator

Sales of refrigerators tumble due to British Gas price hike

This week brought the news that British Gas are set to raise their prices again, effecting millions of loyal customers.This move will likely see many poor and vulnerable homeowners left with difficult choices, as...
Pensioners

Pensioners with British Gas look forward to choosing between freezing and starving to death...

"My pension didn't cover the old price. In fact, the only reason I didn't freeze to death last year is because I was able to burn all the ‘late Payment’ notices that British Gas kept sending out"
Rubbing Hands Together

British Gas CEO insists he’s only rubbing his hands together to keep warm

The CEO of British Gas, Sir Mork Lodges, has advised today he’s only rubbing his hands together to keep warm.The statement comes on the day British Gas has announced a paltry 12.5% rise in...
Cathedral City

Cathedral City Cheddar not the best cheddar ‘just fucking unavoidable’ say consumers

According to consumers in Rochdale Cathedral City Cheddar is not the best cheddar, it’s just completely unavoidable.A survey of all of the fridges in the UK found at least one opened packet of Cathedral...
Ryanair

Ryanair fires first salvo in airline price war by introducing “shrinkflation” routes

Budget Irish airline Ryanair has fired the first salvo in it's threatened "summer fares war", but instead of cutting fares as everyone expected, CEO Michael O'Leary has surprised the industry by instead cutting the...

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