Probably not as many paedophiles on New Year’s honours list as usual, say Buckingham...

Buckingham Palace has confirmed today that there was probably an unusually small number of paedophiles on this year's New Year's Honours list. "It's been a pretty weird year this...

Shop selling stuff people don’t buy goes into administration, again

People in Rochdale have been speaking of the shock at discovering HMV has collapsed again. Many thought it had gone bust years ago. Stan Still told us, "I...
Britannia Hotel

Homeless virgin gives birth in Britannia Hotel car park after being told no room...

News is coming in that a homeless virgin has given birth to a baby boy in the car park of the Royal Hull Hotel after being told that there was no room at the...
hummus

Northern supermarket to trial hummus

News is breaking that a well-known northern supermarket is to start selling hummus at some stores at some point in 2021. It is thought that Booths in Preston is planning the bold move to branch...
Nick Clegg

Facebook will always be free for students, promises Nick Clegg

Following the news that Nick Clegg has been hired by Facebook it has been announced that the platform will absolutely, definitely, always be free to use for students. The 51 year old former 'politician' was...

Pret A Manger have successfully poisoned more people this year than Vladimir Putin

Pret a Manger have successfully poisoned more people in Britain in 2017-2018 than Vladimir Putin according to sources within the GRU. The news comes after a second customer succumbed to a deadly vegetarian rainbow flatbed...
Riot

Three dead on final day of Poundworld closing down sale

Questions are being raised following the trampling of three shoppers in riots on the final day of opening of Poundworld at Sheffield Heeley Retail Park. As feral locals stripped the shelves of tacky plastic goods...

Gaucho steak restaurant chain latest to get burnt by borrowing to beef up returns

Restaurant chain Gaucho, and its sister Cau, collapsed into administration this week, after it was steered into a series of financial mis-steaks Administrators have taken over at Gaucho Group, after the premium steak restaurant made...

University of Burnley to offer a degree course in Fruit Picking.

As part of the government's recently launched Fu*k Business initiative, the University of Burnley is offering a 5 Year degree course in fruit picking, including a year of 'On The Job' training. Ian Jaggs, speaking...

City Traders delighted to cash in on RBS free money Bonanza

The Government has announced a radical new plan to help, hard pressed, under-performing multi-million pound hedge fund managers make up the short-fall in their balance sheets. The hedge fund managers have been finding trading difficult in...
Businessman

We’re not doing anything dodgy with your data, says company renowned for doing dodgy...

A multi-million organisation has insisted that there's nothing suspicious at all about the new data policy updates, despite them being completely and utterly suspicious. 'The easiest thing to do is to just accept the terms...
Office Workers

Passive aggressive colleague is genuinely ‘looking forward to your reply’

An office worker who regularly distributes passive aggressive emails genuinely is 'looking forward to your response' because he is very lonely and has little else going on in his life, it was confirmed today. Mid-ranking...
Zizzi

Yulia Skripal leaves Zizzi’s Salisbury 1 star TripAdvisor review

Yulia Skripal has left her first TripAdvisor review since being poisoned last month. Ms Skripal said, "I was in the country visiting my father in March. We felt peckish so went to Zizzi's. OK, it...

People urged to buy nuclear submarines to boost jobs in Barrow

People are being urged to buy nuclear submarines as part of a strategy to reduce the effects of poverty in Barrow-in-Furness. The call comes on a day when it was revealed that there are instances...

Boss of insolvent Maplin vows to solder on

The failure of electrical retailer Maplin has shocked the market after fuse saw it coming, but is it indicative of the current state of the British economy? Would cancelling Brexit help amp things up...
KFC

Kentucky Fried Chicken unaffected by chicken shortage, thousands of cats reported missing

KFC has opened more of its outlets in the UK despite running completely out of chicken.

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