Dominic Raab has announced that he has completed a very lucrative trade deal with Juice Plus+.

A spokesman for Mr Raaab told us, “At our away day in the north everyone  was told that they could all contribute to Britain’s potential by securing trade deals. The Government want to use Britain’s new found freedom to pursue non-traditional trade agreements. As such Dominic Raaaab handed over £160m pounds to Juice Plus+ to secure exclusive rights to their beetroot and avocado extract  energy boost juice. It’s a large outlay but we could make 300 times that by selling it.”

When asked about how Mr Raaaaab first heard about the opportunity his spokesman said, “It’s such a coincidence. He was washing his hands in the toilet when he saw an old school friend. They got talking and his old school friend mentioned how he was making a fortune selling juice. He said he’d never felt so good and that Raaaaaaab should consider it. It just so happened that there was a seminar on that very evening. Raaaaaaaab went along and the rest is history.”

It’s not just Juice Plus+. The Government is expected to announce a scheme to convert derelict housing in Oldham into time share apartments. A spokesman said, “We want to regenerate areas that were destroyed by the Tories. These areas have a lot of cheap buildings we can buy. We think that once we convert these into time share apartments we’ll be able to attract foreign tourists to them. Loads of tourists come over to see Manchester United. Instead of staying in an artificial environment like the centre of Manchester they could come to Oldham. We even offer an ultra realistic street crime simulation.”

It’s expected more ideas will be announced following Dominic Cummings appearance as a paedophile in the next series of Happy Valley.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.