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Proper footie with a round ball and none of that sissy body armour

EFL admits to buying its footballs from a petrol station on Rochdale

The English Football League has admitted buying its footballs from Denny’s Auto Diesel & Spar Mini-Mart on the Bury New Road in Rochdale.The balls, nicknamed the Penny Swerver by posh kids from Sutton...

Newcastle United fans looking forward to renewed access to match pies and beer

The Toon Army are rejoicing following the news that Sports Direct Entrepreneur Sweat Shop owner, Mike Ashley, is to sell the Magpies.Realising that he is losing money hand-over-fist due to being unable get any...

Norway’s female football team found in cocaine-fuelled strip club romp

Just hours after the Norwegian football association ruled that female footballer's pay must be brought in line with that of the men's, the entire Norwegian national women's squad has been discovered in a debauched...
Donald Trump

Moron says something moronic

A moron has uttered a statement that is totally devoid of intelligence, it has emerged.The exact words used in this situation concerned a football qualifier for the FIFA world cup - a match...

Costa kicks Conte into touch

Former Chelsea Striker Diego Costa says he did not want to leave the club on bad terms, after being dragged kicking and screaming from a burning effigy of Antonio Conte at the Chelsea training...

Big penis denies any link to Romelu Lukaku

A big penis has spoken out today to deny any attachment to Manchester United striker Romelu Lukaku.Speaking to reporters outside his home address, the massive cock sought to distance himself from non-white people in...
Football Riot

Belgian football riot shows EU is hungry for UK exports says Liam Fox

A football riot at a Belgian football match between Anderlecht and Club Brugge demonstrates the hunger for British exports according to Liam Fox.In a statement Fox said, "So many people want to do our...
Arsene Wenger

Wenger at Wits end as he cannot figure out how to get sack from...

Arsene Wenger was left frustrated after the end of a tumultuous week. A 4–0 defeat to Liverpool was followed by a disappointing end to the summer transfer window.However, in a news conference held...
Wayne Rooney

Rooney arrested crying into bottle of 20/20 wearing Man Utd pyjamas

My night of 20/20, Man Utd pyjamas and Steradent with mysterious brunette. Everton striker Wayne Rooney has been charged with drink-driving offences in the early hours of Friday morning, Cheshire Police have confirmed.Reports of...
Christiano Ronaldo

Just £300,000 a month can feed a footballer for a whole week. Please give...

It can be harrowing, truly tragic to see, to see a young, athletic, talented man to have to survive in squalid conditions, living on less than you paid for your house.That is why we...
Referee

‘So what?’ ask arseholes in response to significant event

Football fans across the UK went out of their way this week to prove that their point-missing dim-wittedness was ‘by far the greatest stupidity the world has ever seen’, as they queued up to...

Ryan Giggs’ ex-wife confirms she now has 6 more Premier League winner’s medals than...

Dragon philanderer, Ryan Giggs’ ex-wife Stacey Giggs, spoke of her excitement today as she is finally set to be awarded half of the Giggs estate in a huge ceremony in Cardiff.There will be a...
Neymar

‘I moved for new challenges’ says footballer now on three quarters of a million...

Brazilian bladder-hoofer Naymar Davis Junior today explained his reasons for his £200 million move from Europe's most technically skilled, most competitive national football league to the one-horse procession that is the French First Division....
nuclear

FA launch tactical nuclear strike at semi-final of Women’s Euro 2017

The Football Association has long been implacably opposed to the rise of the women’s game. When it first got popular, the FA acted swiftly and banned it in 1921. However, with the rise of...

Rochdale footballer in record 198p transfer

Rochdale football star, Wayne "Chopper" Gascoigne has been transferred to Accrington Stanley for a record 198p (€1.77) and a box of steak and onion crisps.The move shatters the previous record of 98p set last...
Christiano Ronaldo

Ronaldo vows to work the full six weeks to pay £13 million tax bill

Many of us were shocked when top footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo was embroiled in tax evasion, especially to such a degree.The highly-regarded player, often hailed by many as the greatest ever, has, allegedly, dodged payments...

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