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Poppies outraged at being hijacked by intolerable, out of touch band of Nationalists.

The prima-donna XI, also known as the England National football team, have confirmed that they will take to the pitch against Germany this Friday, displaying the poppy. However poppies up and down the country have...

East London Charity Shops on standby to get loads of West Ham training kit...

East London charity shops are preparing for a bumper delivery of training kit and promotional items after West Ham appointed David Moyes to their bed-next-to-the-door Manager role. Moyes, who has come to specialise in...
Bored Football Fan

Spurs reassure loyal fans with plan to be shit again by the weekend

Tottenham Hotspur, commonly referred to simply as Tottenham, Spurs, or a word that you really can’t use in an article these days for fear of sounding like you’re a fan of Trump, Farage and...

The Rochdale Herald’s Top Ten Tips for Real Supporters and True Football Fans

In honour of signing world famous football man Neville Southall to the Rochdale Herald, here are our top ten tips for real supporters and true football fans. Go football men! 1- Buy your special football...
Goalkeeper

Urinating Salford goalie earns whole side a place in England’s World Cup squad

Almost the entire Salford lineup have been selected as part of England’s squad for next year’s World Cup, it has emerged. All the English players from the team have been picked to represent their...

EFL admits to buying its footballs from a petrol station on Rochdale

The English Football League has admitted buying its footballs from Denny’s Auto Diesel & Spar Mini-Mart on the Bury New Road in Rochdale. The balls, nicknamed the Penny Swerver by posh kids from Sutton...

Newcastle United fans looking forward to renewed access to match pies and beer

The Toon Army are rejoicing following the news that Sports Direct Entrepreneur Sweat Shop owner, Mike Ashley, is to sell the Magpies. Realising that he is losing money hand-over-fist due to being unable get any...

Norway’s female football team found in cocaine-fuelled strip club romp

Just hours after the Norwegian football association ruled that female footballer's pay must be brought in line with that of the men's, the entire Norwegian national women's squad has been discovered in a debauched...
Donald Trump

Moron says something moronic

A moron has uttered a statement that is totally devoid of intelligence, it has emerged. The exact words used in this situation concerned a football qualifier for the FIFA world cup - a match...

Costa kicks Conte into touch

Former Chelsea Striker Diego Costa says he did not want to leave the club on bad terms, after being dragged kicking and screaming from a burning effigy of Antonio Conte at the Chelsea training...

Big penis denies any link to Romelu Lukaku

A big penis has spoken out today to deny any attachment to Manchester United striker Romelu Lukaku. Speaking to reporters outside his home address, the massive cock sought to distance himself from non-white people in...
Football Riot

Belgian football riot shows EU is hungry for UK exports says Liam Fox

A football riot at a Belgian football match between Anderlecht and Club Brugge demonstrates the hunger for British exports according to Liam Fox. In a statement Fox said, "So many people want to do our...
Arsene Wenger

Wenger at wits end as he cannot figure out how to get sack from...

Arsene Wenger was left frustrated after the end of a tumultuous week which saw Arsenal lose twice against Manchester city and rounded off by a defeat at Brighton. However, in a news conference held...
Wayne Rooney

Rooney arrested crying into bottle of 20/20 wearing Man Utd pyjamas

My night of 20/20, Man Utd pyjamas and Steradent with mysterious brunette. Everton striker Wayne Rooney has been charged with drink-driving offences in the early hours of Friday morning, Cheshire Police have confirmed. Reports of...
Christiano Ronaldo

Just £300,000 a month can feed a footballer for a whole week. Please give...

It can be harrowing, truly tragic to see, to see a young, athletic, talented man to have to survive in squalid conditions, living on less than you paid for your house. That is why we...
Referee

‘So what?’ ask arseholes in response to significant event

Football fans across the UK went out of their way this week to prove that their point-missing dim-wittedness was ‘by far the greatest stupidity the world has ever seen’, as they queued up to...

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