Avid football fans across Scotland were left disappointed earlier today when it was confirmed that membership of IKEA’s Family Card scheme does not count as Swedish heritage.
The news comes the day before England face off against Sweden in the World Cup quarter-finals, a fixture that has led many Scots to suddenly claim a strong allegiance to the Scandinavian country.
“Six years I’ve been with those bastards, the least they can do is acknowledge that I’m a little bit Swedish,” said scheme member, Greig Moore, 44.
“I’ve got a kitchen drawer full of Allen keys we don’t need, a shitload of random screws that don’t fit anywhere, and we even called our youngest son Billy after the bloody bookcases we bought for the spare room.
“It’s not like I’m looking for a passport, just a legitimate reason to cheer on a team I have no connection to without looking like a bitter wee twat.”
Fellow Scot Gavin Meikle, 37, told the Herald that he had cancelled his IKEA membership immediately upon hearing the news but had since found another reason to claim a Swedish link.
“My mum got pregnant with me just after she went to see ABBA in Glasgow in 1979, so that’s got to count for something,” he said.
“She’s always said that I’ve got a passing resemblance to Benny, which is weird because the guy who knocked her up was a balding ginger lad from Paisley.
“By the way, I’ve got a Columbia strip and a bunch of Columbian flags going cheap, if you’re interested?”
A spokesman for the Swedish embassy declined to reveal how many Scottish people had applied for citizenship in the past three days, though they did confirm that valid reasons to apply do not include knowing all of the words to ‘Dancing Queen’, being able to eat your bodyweight in meatballs, or claiming that you had your first wank to image of Ulrika Jonsson.
However, many Scots said that their problem was not with the England team itself, but the way in which it is hyped up by the media.
“The team seem like a decent bunch of lads, and good luck to them, but the horrendously-biased commentary and ludicrous levels of optimism in the tabloids is pretty nauseating,” said Moore.
“We get it, you won the World Cup in 1966. Our national anthem is about a battle we won against the English seven-hundred years ago but you don’t hear us bringing that up every time Scotland take to the pitch.
“Wait… no… ach, fuck off.”
In related news, a petition to have Clive Tyldesley’s mouth permanently glued shut has reached over sixty million signatures in the first forty-eight hours.
