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Charlie Stuart

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House spiders launch campaign to reduce number of ‘sleeping mouth’ fatalities

A group of house spiders has launched a campaign aimed at reducing the number of arachnids being swallowed by sleeping humans. 
Stag Do

ISIS leader admits 2014 invasion was just a stag do that ‘got a bit...

WITHIN THE LAST HOUR the leader of the so-called Islamic State group, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has issued a statement admitting that the whole thing was...
Ebola

‘Deadly viruses don’t kill people, people kill people,’ claims Ebola

In a bid to improve its reputation as one of the world's most lethal pathogens, the Ebola virus has today sought to shift the...

Labour confirms 2018 party conference will be held in Mecca

The Labour Party has denied accusations of ‘Muslim appeasement’ at its annual conference in Brighton, after several eagle-eyed observers noticed that its conference banner...

Big penis denies any link to Romelu Lukaku

A big penis has spoken out today to deny any attachment to Manchester United striker Romelu Lukaku. Speaking to reporters outside his home address, the...
Cat licking

Cat that will only eat one type of food still happy to lick its...

Your cat has confirmed that despite only being willing to eat one specific type of food, it is still more than happy to lick...

Sir Richard Branson arrested for looting in British Virgin Islands

Billionaire adventurer and entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson is currently in custody in the British Virgin Islands after being arrested for looting, according to reports....
Dictionary entry for word "definition"

‘Patriot’ to be removed from the Oxford ENGLISH Dictionary following successful liberal campaign

Oxford University Press have confirmed that the word 'patriot' will no longer feature in future editions of the Oxford English Dictionary.  The words 'patriotic' and...
International Thundercunt

Donald Trump wins ‘International Thundercunt of the Year Award’ after declaring war on children

President Donald Trump has been awarded the International Thundercunt of the Year Award following his decision to remove protections for young people brought into...
David Davis

Brexit talks in crisis after Michel Barnier unfriends David Davis on Facebook

The UK's negotiations with the EU hit a stumbling block today, after it emerged that Michel Barnier has unfriended David Davis on Facebook. Brexit secretary...
Young man hospital bed

Man still wearing 2011 Glastonbury Festival wristband to be euthanised by friends

A man who still wears his wristband from the 2011 Glastonbury Festival is to be euthanised later today, friends have confirmed. Martin Jones, a 27...
Big Ben

Big Ben to be renamed Massive Mohammed from 2018

Equality campaigners have welcomed plans to rename Big Ben as part of a project celebrating London's rich cultural heritage. The famous landmark, which is due...
Mechanic

‘The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a car, is a...

"You want this sort of thing to happen less often? You don’t need to ban cars, you need to ban piece of sh*t, Nazi-sympathising, race-hating, white supremacist assh*les from marching through city streets with burning torches," said one Antifa protestor.
Amazon Delivery

China refuses to sign for North Korea’s Amazon deliveries as part of far reaching...

In a move that is likely to further raise tensions on the Korean Peninsula, China has announced that it will no longer sign for North Korea’s Amazon deliveries. The...
Empty bus seats

Thirty nine bus seats arrested in counter-terrorism operation

In what police are describing as a “significant” counter-terrorism operation, thirty nine bus seats were arrested today on suspicion of being involved in jihadist...

Nicholas Witchell tasered during naked Prince Philip coup attempt

The BBC’s Royal correspondent, Nicholas Witchell, is currently under heavy sedation after attempting to storm the gates of Buckingham Palace. According to eyewitnesses, the journalist...

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