The Coronavirus responsible for the current global pandemic, Covid-19, has described its recent infection of Prime Minister Boris Johnson as “exhausting, sweaty, and one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced”.
Speaking to reporters outside St. Thomas’ Hospital in London earlier today, the virus said that its fortnight-long foray into the body of Johnson had been both “deeply unpleasant” and less successful than expected, causing it to cut short the infection a week early.
“I thought he’d be the perfect vector,” it said. “He’s spent weeks ignoring his own government’s advice, shaking hands with people, failing to keep a safe distance, talking loudly into people’s faces.
“I thought ‘happy days, here we go, jump into this boy and I’ll be spread around central London faster than a conspiracy theory in an anti-vax Facebook group’. Instead, I found myself stuck inside a corpulent sack of bullshit whose immune system is almost as useless as he is.”
The Prime Minister spent several days in intensive care as a result of the infection, though the virus said that by this stage it had already decided to end the infection in the hope of causing more damage elsewhere.
“I was watching the daily press conferences and just thinking ‘fuck me, these guys are utterly useless’, and it occurred to me that the best thing I could do to prolong the epidemic in the UK is to get this blonde moral-vacuum back on his feet.”
Whilst many people have expressed delight at the Prime Minister’s recovery, epidemiologists are said to be concerned that his illness is a sign that the virus may be evolving.
“Up until this point we thought that the virus was primarily attacking the lungs,” said Professor Graham Spigot, head of Epidemiology at Rochdale Community College.
“However, the recent infection of Boris Johnson would suggest that it’s capable of infecting arseholes as well.”