Mcdonalds to stop giving away assault rifles in Happy Meals in some US states

Four states in America have stopped giving away free assault rifles with every Happy Meal deal as a direct response to KFC banning knives in boxes of chicken in the UK. Denver West McDonald's Store...

4,000 job cuts at HSBC after Columbian drug cartels move accounts to Barclays

HSBC has told investors today that around 2% of the company's workforce will be made redundant with the focus on anybody who hasn't got a membership at his golf club. The news follows the departure...

Knackered dam describes Boris Johnson as looking ‘dodgy and unstable’

A knackered dam in Derbyshire has described the UK prime minister as looking "dodgy but unstable" and a "substantial risk". The dam in Whaley Bridge observed Boris Johnson as...
Couple with dog

Season your pets before leaving them in a hot car

do With temperatures hitting 30°C across the nation, dog owners have been warned to pay special attention to their four legged friends. Each year the RSPCA recieves dozens of complaints of animals locked in hot cars,...

Gavin Williamson declares war on schools

Former Defence Secretary, Gavin Williamson has declared war on schools mere hours after being appointed Education Secretary. His secret plan, which he immediately leaked, is to launch targeted drone strikes on underachieving schools as encouragement...

Convertible car owner not as smug after leaving the top down last night

Sandra Numpton of Heywood has spent the last few days driving around in her convertible Mini Cooper, sun glasses on, hair in the wind, the Summer chart toppers blaring out through her car stereo. "It's...
Boris Johnson

For Fuck’s Sake, sighs Britain

The entire United Kingdom muttered "for fuck's sake" in unision yesterday afternoon after learning that Boris Johnson has been "elected: new Conservative leader and will become the next UK prime minister.

Joe Swanson elected leader of the Liberal Democrats

The popular ex-policeman is predicted to cause almost as many people to support the Lib Dems as the leaders of the Labour and Conservative parties.  Swanson has appeal across the political spectrum:

Tommy Robinson fisted by pensioner in prison shower

IReports from Belmarsh are that Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, the tiny provocateur with the Timmy Mallet inspired pseudonym has been fisted.  One fist from a pensioner was all it took to send him to...

Rupert Murdoch’s face breaks ageing app

Media tycoon and ancient demonic scrotum, Rupert Murdoch has broken viral photo editor FaceApp, attempting to see what his face would look like in 40 years. Developers say the app was "not designed to undertake...
Ann Widdecombe

Anne Widdecombe symbolically frees her slave

Following her first speech in the European Parliament, we have avoided the term 'maiden speech' as all her speeches are maiden, Anne Widdecombe has acted decisively. In order not to be accused of hypocrisy when...

Chuka Umunna banned from Coventry Laser Quest for crashing children’s parties

MP for Streatham, Chuka Umunna, has been forcibly removed from a branch of Laser Quest in Coventry for reportedly trying to join numerous children's parties. Mr Umunna was spotted helping himself to caterpillar cake and...

Burnley Lidl selling Father’s Day Cards in packs of five

With Father's Day fast approaching, supermarkets and stationary stores across the country are displaying cards and gifts for children to give to their father this Sunday. Burnley Lidl has raised a few eyebrows with its five card bundle offer.

US celebrates after number of days so far this year overtakes number of mass...

Despite this mornings massacre in Virginia, Americans are celebrating today as June 1st marks 152 days into the year and only 150 mass shootings. "It's super! I genuinely can't remember the last time the number...

‘How many roads must a man walk down before he can call himself a...

Researchers have proved that the number of roads a man must walk down before you call him a man is greater than, or equal to, zero. Professor Lance Boyle of the University of Rochdale said...

Tommy Robinson thrown out of restaurant after complaining about ‘Allah Cart’ menu

Tommy Robinson has been thrown out of a restaurant in Oldham after a campaign event today after starting a row with the manager over their 'Allah Cart' menu. MEP candidate and part time mortgage fraudster,...

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