Sunday, December 16, 2018

Spain v Russia VAR officials wives and children released from captivity

Members of the VAR officials team for the Russia V Spain game have been speaking of their joy at being reunited with their families again. The reunification comes just days after the VAR wives and girlfriends (VAG) disappeared whilst...
Top Hats

Posh people forced to talk about football while England still in World Cup

Ex-Public School boys and Hooray Henry's are having to talk about football and they aren't enjoying it. Whether they're at work, on the golf course or at the Polo, the only available topic of...

City Traders delighted to cash in on RBS free money Bonanza

The Government has announced a radical new plan to help, hard pressed, under-performing multi-million pound hedge fund managers make up the short-fall in their balance sheets. The hedge fund managers have been finding trading difficult in...

Trump and Kim Jong Un to meet on Love Island

A rearranged summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un will take place on Love Island.  The news comes amid speculation that a high ranking military official from North Korea is visiting the US in...
Viagra

Sale of over-counter Viagra faces stiff opposition

The Women's Institute are lobbying  the Health Secretary demanding that Viagra only be available through prescription and after consultation with a Doctor. Recent changes bought in by the medical watchdog, MHRA, mean Viagra can now...
Theresa May

Trust me to deliver Brexit, says woman you wouldn’t trust to deliver a pizza

"I'll deliver Brexit just like I deliver pizza." That's what Theresa May said and people have been queuing up to say that that's Brexit stuffed then. George Osborne said, "She once bought pizza for us...
Brexit Bus

Increased racism was on the other bus say Brexiteers

Brexiteers have been quick to point out that a post-Brexit vote increase in racism was on the other bus. Government clown Boris Johnson said, "This report is totally inaccurate and does a disservice to honest,...
Sadiq Khan

Sadiq Khan cracks down on junk food ads as thinner children harder to stab

Mayor plans to ban junk food adverts from Transport for London. Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, today announced a plan to ban junk food adverts from Transport for London. The Mayor said "Almost 40 per...
Finger painting

Greater Manchester Road Planning Department forced to resit Key Stage One after failing finger...

Following recent criticism of the Greater Manchester Road Network, Manchester City Council conducted an audit of the qualifications of the staff employed in the Road Planning Department. The audit showed serious discrepancies in key...
Delivery Driver

Firms reports record customer satisfaction levels after using cocaine delivery gang to deliver parcels

Delivery firms that specialise in not delivering your parcels have reported a huge increase in customer satisfaction levels. The news comes following the companies use of a Scottish cocaine delivery service as a consultancy. Spokesman, Cokey...
Nuclear Bomb

Only a good guy with a nuclear weapon can stop a bad guy with...

The only way to stop a bad guy with a nuclear weapon is a good guy with a nuclear weapon. That's according to the Iranian Government anyway. In a speech a spokesman said, "Iraq, Syria,...
Neuroscience

Everyone on Facebook now an expert in neuroscience

It's been revealed that millions of Britons on Facebook are now experts in neuroscience. The revelation comes just weeks after millions of people were found to be experts in toxicology and analytical chemistry. Millions of people...
London Marathon

Confusion and Discomfort as Marathon forces Londoners to support and talk to one another

Mass confusion ensued at the London Marathon today, as London dwellers cast off their stony facades and began to talk to one another. 'I started watching the Marathon and I don't know what came over...

Queen celebrates being 22 in lizard years

The Queen has celebrated being 22 in lizard years today. David Attenborough was there to capture the celebrations and was able to give the Herald exclusive news from the party. The day started with the...

Local Man PROMISES he’s only drinking Strongbow Dark Fruit ‘because it’s sunny’

A local man has insisted that he doesn't normally drink Strongbow Dark Fruit, but when it's sunny outside 'everybody does it'. Usually opting for an IPA, Guinness or Craft Beer, rather than a fruity cider,...
Hippies Hippy

Lack of mud and misery makes Coachella not a real festival, experts reveal

A group of specialists have confirmed that without rain, mud and warm cider, Coachella is actually not a real festival. Despite there being music, dancing and drugs, insiders have confirmed that the lack of filth...

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