Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Brexit Bus

Increased racism was on the other bus say Brexiteers

Brexiteers have been quick to point out that a post-Brexit vote increase in racism was on the other bus. Government clown Boris Johnson said, "This report is totally inaccurate and does a disservice to honest,...
Sadiq Khan

Sadiq Khan cracks down on junk food ads as thinner children harder to stab

Mayor plans to ban junk food adverts from Transport for London. Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, today announced a plan to ban junk food adverts from Transport for London. The Mayor said "Almost 40 per...
Finger painting

Greater Manchester Road Planning Department forced to resit Key Stage One after failing finger...

Following recent criticism of the Greater Manchester Road Network, Manchester City Council conducted an audit of the qualifications of the staff employed in the Road Planning Department. The audit showed serious discrepancies in key...
Delivery Driver

Firms reports record customer satisfaction levels after using cocaine delivery gang to deliver parcels

Delivery firms that specialise in not delivering your parcels have reported a huge increase in customer satisfaction levels. The news comes following the companies use of a Scottish cocaine delivery service as a consultancy. Spokesman, Cokey...
Nuclear Bomb

Only a good guy with a nuclear weapon can stop a bad guy with...

The only way to stop a bad guy with a nuclear weapon is a good guy with a nuclear weapon. That's according to the Iranian Government anyway. In a speech a spokesman said, "Iraq, Syria,...
Neuroscience

Everyone on Facebook now an expert in neuroscience

It's been revealed that millions of Britons on Facebook are now experts in neuroscience. The revelation comes just weeks after millions of people were found to be experts in toxicology and analytical chemistry. Millions of people...
London Marathon

Confusion and Discomfort as Marathon forces Londoners to support and talk to one another

Mass confusion ensued at the London Marathon today, as London dwellers cast off their stony facades and began to talk to one another. 'I started watching the Marathon and I don't know what came over...

Queen celebrates being 22 in lizard years

The Queen has celebrated being 22 in lizard years today. David Attenborough was there to capture the celebrations and was able to give the Herald exclusive news from the party. The day started with the...

Local Man PROMISES he’s only drinking Strongbow Dark Fruit ‘because it’s sunny’

A local man has insisted that he doesn't normally drink Strongbow Dark Fruit, but when it's sunny outside 'everybody does it'. Usually opting for an IPA, Guinness or Craft Beer, rather than a fruity cider,...
Hippies Hippy

Lack of mud and misery makes Coachella not a real festival, experts reveal

A group of specialists have confirmed that without rain, mud and warm cider, Coachella is actually not a real festival. Despite there being music, dancing and drugs, insiders have confirmed that the lack of filth...

It’s impossible to sandpaper a netball, concede Australians

Long standing dominance of sport by Australia and New Zealand ended by incredible English performance Some say Australian carpentry skill brings them closer to Christ. Handy little blighters, their ability to handle a piece of...

Labour Party pledge to make it cheaper for young people to get stabbed on...

The Labour Party has announced a new policy that will allow young people to get stabbed on night buses much more cheaply. Labour spokesman, Stan Still said, "Under the Tories young people have increasingly been...

Knob-head hand gesture at lowest levels since records began

A recent poll has revealed that this once loved insult has seen a sudden decline in use, and could be completely extinct by the year 2025. For years, the simple hand gesture was a staple...

Trump tells G7 steel tariffs will ensure weapons used for mass slaughter will be...

Donald Trump has announced that steel and aluminium import tariffs will mitigate concerns that the Assault Rifles used in mass shootings recently have not been American enough. An NRA spokesman said, "The most concerning...

Windsor council workers sledging to work on frozen homeless people

Councillors in Windsor have been seen sledging using the frozen bodies of homeless people. One told us, "The council wanted them all removed for the royal wedding. This weather has come as a bit of...
Rochdale Primary School

Rochdale primary school issues apology after asking kids to ‘black up’ for school play

Scandal has again rocked the beautiful town of Rochdale this morning when news came to us of a local school that remarkably asked its pupils to 'black up' for their annual play which this...

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