Young children around the UK have been advised that the best way to stop the spread of Coronavirus is by thoroughly washing their hands after licking other people and stuff they find on the floor.

“Hygiene is an absolutely essential tool in the fight against the spread of infectious diseases like Coronavirus.” A spokesman for Public Health England told The Rochdale Herald.

“It is absolutely essential that you wash your hands thoroughly after licking the door handles of your local leisure centre if you want to make sure you’re absolutely definitely not going to pick up Covid 19.”

“We’re advising that children wash their hands for at least two rounds of happy birthday after eating stuff they’ve found on the floor or licking play mates to absolutely ensure everybody’s safety.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.