Friday, June 22, 2018

No we don’t want to build a bloody snowman, confirm children

Children around the UK have confirmed that they don't want to build another bloody snowman. With rain, sleet, snow and more bloody awful weather forecast all over the country children have unanimously agreed that they'd...

Winter 2016 enters third consecutive year

Meteorologists have confirmed that winter 2016 has entered its third consecutive year. With more bloody miserable weather forecast officials at the Met Office have concluded it is still technically February 2016. "It looks like The British...
Sunshine

Cumbrian Man hospitalised after lethal exposure to Vitamin D

The recent weather worries in Cumbria worsened this morning, after 12 minutes of unseasonable partial sunshine exposed a fell walker to lethal levels of the rare nerve agent Vitamin D. With local post temperatures soaring to...
Blizzard

Rest of world ceases activity so BBC can cover snow

As Britain is experiencing the worst snow since last time,the rest of the world has decided to cease all activities and events to let the BBC cover just the snow. A spokesperson for the rest...
Car Stuck in snow

Motorist who travelled during red weather alert furious car stuck on motorway for 15...

There were ugly scenes this morning after a motorist lost his temper having been stuck on a motorway in a major tailback for 15 hours despite numerous warnings not to travel. Cars and lorries...
Alive

Burnley Rugby team turn to cannibalism after being stranded on M62 in snow

Motorists are being advised to avoid the M62 after reports of a dozen hungry rugby players from Burnley eating the corpses of stranded motorists near Ainley Top. The Daily Express reported cars were stranded for...
Gritter

Morons wondering why blizzard wasn’t averted by thin layer of salt

Millions of morons across the UK were left perplexed when a thin layer of salt didn't prevent their cars getting stuck in 3 feet of snow and all services breaking down. Despite having 4...
Jeremy Hunt in the snow

Red Weather Warning as Conservative Politicians spotted with hands in own pockets

With temperatures plummeting across the British Isles, many patriotic politicians are complaining at their lack of opportunities to escape the country. Conservative Politicians Jeremy Hunt, Liam Fox, Michael Gove, and David Davis were spotted walking...
BMW

You can’t skid if you don’t brake, confirm BMW drivers

One of Britain's leading self-proclaimed driving experts was kind enough to give the Herald some tips on how to drive safely in the snow. "Don't brake," said Fred Goodhead, North region sales director for Rochdale...

Olympic Bobsled team advised not to drive to work because it’s a bit slippery...

After celebrating the amazing success of Team GB at the Winter Games, winning 5 medals at a cost of only £28 million, the whole of Britain was inspired to stay at home when it...
KFC

Extreme weather leaves KFC with too much chicken

As 'The Beast From The East' takes a firm hold across the UK, KFC have announced that it is overrun with chicken as no punters can make it to their outlets due to awful...
Audi

Sixty grand on four wheel drive for one off drive to work in snow...

A man has confirmed that his choice of Audi Quattro was justified by the recent inclement weather. Chris Lupton spent most of the morning in his office sharing knowing glances and discrete nods of acknowledgement...

After blowing 28 million pounds on Winter Olympics the UK grinds to halt after...

Peyongchang 2018 was the most successful Winter Olympics for team GB and just one day after the closing ceremony Britain has begun its annual mass panic as snow flakes have been spotted all over...
Rainy Day

Siberia braces itself for unseasonal British drizzle

Russian media is warning residents of Central Sibera that the usually frozen steppes will be be bit damper than Britain all week. Prisoners in Siberian Gulags are expecting excessive lots of weather that can't quite...

Geordie accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ after wearing jacket during night out

A Geordie is being criticised by social media users for posting an Instagram photo of her wearing a jacket during a night out on Tyneside. 26-year-old hairdresser, Cheryl Weedy, revealed her new look on Thursday...
Man in rain

Northerner goes full day without talking about the weather

Storm Eleanor has battered the United Kingdom with wind of up to 100 miles power hour, damaging property, trees and causing storm risk warnings to go to orange and red. However a northern man...

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