Water Company

Follow Burnley’s example and shower less often, water companies urge Britain

The recent heatwave shows no sign of abating with another four weeks of sunshine forecast by the Met Office. A hosepipe ban has been enacted by local councils as United Utilities has reported an increase...

Ice Cream headache pandemic reaches CRISIS point, as heatwave TERROR continues

With millions of Britons terrified by the recent apparition of a giant ball of fire in the sky, there was further harrowing news today, with health experts confirming the sustained spell of heat will...
Shirtless fat man

For f*ck’s sake put a top on, men told

Men have been asked to put some clothes on because they really shouldn't be in the pub half naked.  Professor Gareth Linkeker of the Institute of Instutes said: "It really is time for men to...
Dogs die in hot cars

Irony strikes as Dogs Die In Hot Cars die in hot car

Tragedy has struck Burnley this afternoon after the Scottish band from St Andrew's accidentally locked in their tour Mondeo and died from heat exhaustion. With temperatures in Lancashire soaring above zero it's thought the band,...
Family roast dinner

RSPCA urges pet owners to at least season with salt and pepper before leaving...

In the current heat wave the RSPCA has urged pet owners to undertake special precautionary measures when traveling with their furry friends this bank holiday weekend. "In this weather you should not be leaving a...
Messy boys bedroom

Weather still not good enough to lure sulky teenager out of his bedroom

Despite the change in the weather, cloudless skies and temperatures in the high 20s, it is still not enough to persuade moody teenager, Damian Bloke, 15, to leave his bedroom. His mother, Sharon Arkwright, 37,...

Town centres full of fat topless pricks for some reason

Town centres are chock full of topless, pasty white fat pricks for some reason according to sources. For some reason thousands upon thousands of fat men have forgotten to get dressed for the second day...

Great weather for ducks, confirm ducks

Ducks around the UK have confirmed that they are having a really lovely day and are enjoying the weather. Speaking from the middle of a massive puddle in Rochdale Donald, a duck, told The Rochdale...

Reality of snow destroys childhood memories of it being fun

Thousands of stay at home parents forced to play with their slack off kids all day have had to revise their 'happy childhood memories' of a White Christmas and Snowball fights.  One parent who wished...

No we don’t want to build a bloody snowman, confirm children

Children around the UK have confirmed that they don't want to build another bloody snowman. With rain, sleet, snow and more bloody awful weather forecast all over the country children have unanimously agreed that they'd...

Winter 2016 enters third consecutive year

Meteorologists have confirmed that winter 2016 has entered its third consecutive year. With more bloody miserable weather forecast officials at the Met Office have concluded it is still technically February 2016. "It looks like The British...

Cumbrian Man hospitalised after lethal exposure to Vitamin D

The recent weather worries in Cumbria worsened this morning, after 12 minutes of unseasonable partial sunshine exposed a fell walker to lethal levels of the rare nerve agent Vitamin D. With local post temperatures soaring to...

Rest of world ceases activity so BBC can cover snow

As Britain is experiencing the worst snow since last time,the rest of the world has decided to cease all activities and events to let the BBC cover just the snow. A spokesperson for the rest...
Car Stuck in snow

Motorist who travelled during red weather alert furious car stuck on motorway for 15...

There were ugly scenes this morning after a motorist lost his temper having been stuck on a motorway in a major tailback for 15 hours despite numerous warnings not to travel. Cars and lorries...

Burnley Rugby team turn to cannibalism after being stranded on M62 in snow

Motorists are being advised to avoid the M62 after reports of a dozen hungry rugby players from Burnley eating the corpses of stranded motorists near Ainley Top. The Daily Express reported cars were stranded for...

Morons wondering why blizzard wasn’t averted by thin layer of salt

Millions of morons across the UK were left perplexed when a thin layer of salt didn't prevent their cars getting stuck in 3 feet of snow and all services breaking down. Despite having 4...

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