Looking outside last night millions of British citizens were confronted by the moon appearing enlarged and glowing a curious red.

Whilst most people south of Chester remarked on its unusual appearance and took photos for their Instagram account, the population of northern parts of the UK have been plunged into confusion and fear.

There are reports from Baccup of locals running naked across the moors howling at the moon and the residents of Bury have smeared their doors with the black pudding to ward away evil spirits.

Rochdale resident Keith Barnett said “I went down the alley to use the communal out-house when I noticed the moon, which was unusual as its near alway obscured by the mill’s chimney smoke, but it was the colour that put the fright into me; Red, deep glowing red! An ominous omen I reckon. I ran full pelt across the village green clutching my lucky flat cap in order to tell the wise woman and seek guidance..”

Like many in the north, Keith still views weather phenomenon as a precursor to great change. As such whole communities in the north will consult wise women and sooth sayers for understanding and assurance. One such wise woman is Helen Grundy of Middleton.

“Aye, I foresaw the blood moon; I read it in my tea leaves… PG tips, not that Typhoo rubbish. Now the blood moon has appeared and hangs in the sky, it warns of a great change. I’ve summoned a gathering for the burning ceremony to ward away evil and appease the the gods.”

“We’ve not had a burning ceremony since all the streets dogs kept barking at the wind a few weeks back. It was sad when my neighbour Rob was selected as the sacrifice, but you can never be too careful when it comes to the omens.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.