With expectations that this month’s sweltering weather could become the norm a health strategy is urgently required to protect the thousands of people who work from home from sunstroke, a House of Commons report revealed this morning.

Measures it recommends range from telling home workers to stop lying on their backs in the garden with their tops off when they’re supposed to be working, drinking plenty of water instead of Heineken when they’re doing fuck all in the garden between 1pm and 5pm and maybe going inside occasionally to do a bit of work.

The committee said homeworkers tend to treat hot weather warnings as cues to sack it all off and get a suntan.

This month dozens of homeworkers have needed emergency care for sunshine related conditions including sunburn, sunstroke, minor burns from barbecuing in their underpants and hangovers during a fortnight of soaring temperatures.

Office workers are all at risk from rickets from vitamin D deficiency, the same committee has revealed.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.